I'm going to start at the very beginning as I feel like I need to get everything out & i'm hoping by doing this it will help me and others in my position...
My wonderful dad is 65 years old. I am 27. I've always been incredibly close to my parents. My fiance and I have always spent lots of time with my mum & dad...something I am very grateful of now. But still...it does not feel like anywhere near enough time. There is still so much I want to do and experience with my dad. None of this seems fair at all but then when is cancer ever fair?!
My mum had breast cancer 12 years ago but thankfully they found it early and she made a full recovery. Since then my mum & dad have lived life to the full...I am so glad they have done so much together. I feel devastated that I didn't take more time out when I was younger to spend more time with my dad. Since I have "grown" up and settled down with my amazing fiance (we've been together just over 3 years) I have realised how precious parents really are and I have loved nothing more than spending time with them...whether it's meeting for a coffee on a saturday morning at the local shopping centre...or going out for a nice meal...or getting a takeaway with them and chilling out with them & their beloved dogs.
This all started back in November. Dad started feeling unwell. He went to the doctors and they said he had a chest infection. They gave him antibiotics but it did not clear. My mum & dad were out shopping one day and my mum called me saying that dad had had a funny turn and asked if we could go and pick him up. I hugely regret not taking him to the hospital right away...but we all put it down to the chest infection & I even thought it was down to him drinking a few glasses of grapefruit juice the night before since he is on blood pressure tablets and I know these are supposed to react with grapefruit. We rang the emergency doctor and they prescribed a stronger dose of antibiotics.
Xmas seems like a million years ago now but Dad certainly wasn't himself and come NYE we urged him to go back to the doctors which he did. The doctor checked him out & gave him a chest x-ray and told him to go for the xray if he didn't feel better within 2-3 weeks.
My mum and I convinced him to go up to the hospital for the x-ray that very same day. Whilst we waited for the results of the x-ray I could see the fear in my poor dads face. The doctor kept coming out and handing over letters to people saying their results would be ready within 7-10 days. Eventually it was just me & dad sat there...waiting. My fiance, who is my complete rock, had waited in the other waiting room and I felt completely lost & so so scared...I think then I knew something was wrong. A doctor finally came out & said that they had sent dads x-rays up to be examined. Dad looked at me and said "well that doesn't sound good does it". I tried to reassure him but I knew that it didn't sound good. A few minutes later 2 doctors came out and said that dad had to go to emergency A&E immediately as they had found a shadow behind his heart. I completely lost it. Thankfully we met my fiance on the way to A&E and he held me and looked after me. My poor dad...all i did that day was cry. I wasn't supportive at all...I couldn't stop crying. I knew that it wasn't going to be good.
After hours and hours of waiting in A&E...having blood tests, being examined etc. the doctor finally said that dad would need to have a CT scan and they would be in touch. So we were left knowing that dad had this shadow and he would have to wait for an appointment for a CT scan but that was it. I've always hated NYE but this NYE was by far the worst ever.
After that it was waiting for the CT scan...when dad went in for the scan I broke down. Seeing him in his hospital gown and seeing how he had lost weight...it was really hard to see. I just felt for him sooo much. He was his usual self though...laughing & joking with us and the nurses and trying to protect me, my mum & my fiance by making light of the situation.
There was another wait between the CT scan and the results. During that time I did so much research...trying to find what it could be other than cancer. I knew it could not be pneumonia as he had had his jab...but still I thought maybe it could be as I knew the jab didn't give full protection...then there was pluerisy but his symptoms didn't match. I tried to stay positive but deep down I knew what it was. When it was results day Dad didn't let me or Marc (my fiance) go in the room with him. He was trying to protect me which made me even more hysterical as I wanted to be the one to protect him!!!
When they came out of the room, I knew from my mums face that it wasn't good. They explained that dad had a growth on his lung...mum said it didn't look too big from the xray (she had been nosey and looked at the screen when the doctor was examining dad!). I broke down but then after that I made sure Dad didn't see me cry. I would be strong as anything in front of him & acting normal but then as soon as I was alone with Marc I just cried my heart out.
Next step was the biopsy. Dad was scared but boy was he brave on the day. He really did hold it together sooo well and I felt so so proud of him. He was laughing and joking about with the nurses & put everyone at ease...again not even thinking of what he was having to go through...just thinking about protecting me, my mum & Marc as he knew we would be waiting for him and would be so worried. When they wheeled him out after the procedure on the hospital bed he was smiling and laughing and acted like he had had nothing done. It hurt so much to see him on that bed...I know he was being brave but it just all seemed so real then & I didn't want my dad going through all of this.
I didn't let dad see me upset. I have vowed to be strong in front of him as I know that seeing me cry will be worse for him. In the recovery room dad was amazing...all the nurses loved him!! He was so made up when they offered him a cup of tea - "You are an angel!" he said to the nurse. A simple cup of tea meant the world to him!!! We all had a cuppa and he seriously acted like nothing was happening!! He eat the packed lunch the nurses gave him then he went for a chest x-ray. We were so relieved when they said he could come home and the biopsy had gone well.
Then there was another wait. To be honest the waiting has been horrible. Yes it hasn't been that long in between appointments really but every day has felt like 10 days and some days I have felt really positive and even like it is not really happening...but then other days I have just cried and cried and felt so negative.
So dad's results were yesterday - Monday 28th January. The night before I had an awful nightmare...with us being told that dads cancer was stage 4 and there was nothing they could do. I woke up in such a state...Marc was amazing reassuring me it was just a bad nightmare and calming me down. Little did I know how that nightmare really was going to reflect the following day...
When we were waiting in the waiting room dad was sooo scared. I could see it in his face and I felt so helpless. Part of me..when I was feeling positive thought that they had caught it early...he hasn't been ill apart from the chest infection and I thought they had caught it by chance. I thought, along with everyone else, that they would operate and then give him chemeo and he would fight it off.
In the room, the consultant spoke to dad about how he was feeling...any other symptoms etc. and listened to his lungs. Then he confirmed our worst fears. That dad had lung cancer....and it had spread to his liver. Therefore, there is nothing they can do in terms of operating. They MAY be able to give dad chemeo depending on whether or not he develops jaundice. This scares the hell out of me as dad has said he is itchy in the night which I know is a symptom of jaundice. We now have another wait...either this thursday or next thursday...he will get the results of his blood test which will show if his liver is functioning properly & they will examine him & let him know if he can have chemeo. We know this will not cure him but may prolong his life if he reacts well to it. It is so so very hard to stay positive & keep dad positive too. We are all struggling to accept it. Cancer will beat my wonderful, amazing, strong dad and the fear of not knowing how long we have left is so hard to deal with.
My fiance and I are going to try and get married very soon. I want my dad to not only be there to give me away but also have something to aim for and work towards. I am going to wait until we see the onchologist and go from there.
I keep crying uncontrollably. I question whether I am strong enough and whether my poor mum is strong enough to get through this. And of course my poor dad...I would do ANYTHING in this world to take this away from him. It seems so so unfair that he has to suffer like this. I know everyone says this but my dad really is the best...he is the most generous, kind, caring person in the world. He is the person I have always gone to for advice...always the one to calm me down when I've had one of my "strops" (over silly things which I realise now are so not important!)...he has the most amazing dry sense of humour and makes me and everyone else laugh so much. He is so so protective of us all & his main concern is what is going to happen to my mum when he's gone. She will not be able to afford the rent on the house they live in at the moment when she gives up work (she is 68 this year and although fit & healthy) she should give up soon...Marc and I are saving for our first house but we won't be able to get it until probably the end of the year...we have both said mum can come and live with us but she is worried about being a burden on us. But I will make a promise to my dad to look after her and protect her like he always has done.
I am sorry for rambling on....I just needed to get everything out and written down. xxx
