I cannot believe it will be 4 weeks tomorrow since we lost Dad. It still does not feel real...I still feel like he has gone away somewhere and he will come back. I feel like there MUST be an ending to this horrific pain...the empty, sick feeling to my stomach...but then I realise that he is completely gone...I will never ever speak to him again...I will never ever get into a fit of giggles with him again...I will never see his amazing face again and his eyes sparkle. Dad was one of those people who could smile with his eyes...he had such a kind face..I loved his smile. I miss him SO much...it really does hurt...it is a physical pain. I feel panicky at times...how on earth am I going to get through life without my Dad? I am 27 and married yet I feel like a little child...I feel lost. The night Dad died I watched our wedding video with Marc...it broke my heart but I just NEEDED to hear his voice again...I think I was still in shock...I couldn't understand how he was there talking...giving the best speech ever...laughing and joking...and now he was gone. At the end of our wedding video him and mum were talking to the camera man and Dad got so emotional. One thing he said was "If you carry on treating each other like you have done from day one...you will be ok for the rest of your lives"...that is a bit of advice from my darling pops that I will always remember.
Losing Dad was a shock. Yes we knew it was going to happen but I truly believed we would have more time...and so did Dad. At his last hospital appointment Dad was talking about Christmas...saying how me & Marc had to make sure we were definitely together over Christmas and see everyone as and when we can - he was always like that...he wanted us to be happy...he never put any pressure on any of us to spend time with him and mum. We did because we loved him so much, as we do mum, and I truly did love spending time with him. Me and Marc used to do so much with him and Mum...we loved going out for a coffee or out for lunch/dinner...or out for a day trip somewhere. And of course I LOVED christmas with my dad. Every year since we were little Dad used to come downstairs and jump up and down with his arms in the air saying "He's been!! He's been"!...talking about Santa of course haha...he did this right up until last year...I kid you not! It made me laugh soooo much. The thought of him not being here this Christmas makes me SO sad...Christmas is a family time...and the main man isn't going to be here :(
A few weeks before Dad died me and Marc went on a "date day"...this year we have not had much time to ourselves really...we have just wanted to spend every second with Dad...something I am SO glad we did and something I will remember forever...I am SO thankful to Marc for everything he did for me, Dad and mum over these last 9 months. He has been a rock for all 3 of us...and he loved Dad SO much too. We wanted to go for a day out but as always I didn't want to leave Dad...but Dad told me we MUST go...he would be upset if we didn't he said. We had a lovely day out in London and then went to a really old cinema in Oxted...Dad loved it when we told him about how the cinema was tiny and cosy and how we had cookies on a plate in there...after scoffing a yummy curry (one of dads favourites!) beforehand. I spoke to Dad throughout the day...he sounded happy that we were having such a good time and my brothers all called in to see him that day so he was well looked after. The film we saw was called 'About Time'...I thought it would be a lovely chick flick...and it was...until about half way through when the boys dad got lung cancer...I felt numb. Marc squeezed my hand a little tighter and I thought I would be ok but by the end of the film I was sobbing my heart out...it was all too close to home and it made me realise that we were going to lose Dad...I just had no idea it would be so soon. The film had a lovely sentiment and it made me think "Come on...pull yourself together...Dad is STILL here...make the most of every second"...and I truly think we did that....I feel GUTTED that Dad is no longer here...I miss him SO SO SO much I cannot even put it into words...but the 9 months we had...were really so special. Dad got to give me away on our wedding day...we went to the zoo and out for a meal for mums birthday...we went on little day trips out...we eat out in loads of our favourite restaurants/pubs...but more than that...I just treasure every second I sat on the sofa with Dad and chatted to him about anything and everything. I am so glad I started up this blog too...I plan on putting together a memory box in the next few weeks and I am going to print off every blog so I can one day read back on it and remember all the funny and amazing times we shared which I always made sure I wrote about.
Since Dad has gone I have never felt so tired and drained. The first few days after Dad had died I barely slept...every time I fell asleep I would wake up in a panic thinking Marc was Dad. I had lied on the mattress with Dad on our lounge floor...I barely moved for over 2 days...so I had that in the mind and I would wake up thinking Marc was Dad and telling him he was so cold...it was the most horrific thing. Then I would have Dads face in my head...the last image of him with his eyes rolled back and half open and his mouth wide open...It was something I could not shake off. I tried looking at old photographs but nothing could remove that image from my mind. After I had seen Dad in the chapel of rest...I then could not get that image out of my mind either. I actually went back to the chapel of rest 3 times after that first time. The second time I felt SO calm and felt like Dad could have been standing next to me...I felt like that was just his shell....that is when the light above him flickered as I told him I loved him. I like to think that was Dad letting us know he is ok. The time after that I didn't feel as at ease...and I left feeling irritable and anxious. I have no idea why. The light had flickered again..just once...and I convinced myself that it was a faulty light...it really upset me. They had also changed his hair as it was scraped back before and we told them he would have hated that so they made it all messy...just like he always liked it....and that made him look more like my Dad so perhaps that is why I felt so upset. The last time I went was the day before Dad's funeral...I cried my heart out...it hurt so so much. I knew that was the final time I would see his face...it completely broke me. I could barely stand as we walked out of there. I can't really remember what I said to him that day....I just kept telling him how much I loved and missed him.
After that I had to go and get something to wear for the funeral...that day was horrible...I have never felt so sad whilst shopping. I wanted to look nice and do dad proud but couldn't find anything....and I just felt SO anxious about reading my letter out to dad the next day at his funeral. I cried a lot that day and I just felt so incredibly sad knowing what was about to happen the next day...how could my amazing dad...my best friend...be completely gone from tomorrow?! I knew he was gone already...but the thought of him being cremated made me feel physically sick to the stomach. I barely slept that night...I felt numb. I still do.
Dad's funeral on Friday 4th October was the BEST send off we could have ever asked for. I felt strangely calm. Me, Marc, mum, my 5 brothers, Marcs mum & her boyfriend...were all in mum and dads lounge waiting for the hearse when the phone rang. It was medway hospital...Dad's consultants secretary asking if we wanted her to dictate the letter over the phone that the consultant was sending...talk about bad timing!! I am so glad I didn't answer that phone!!! When the hearse turned up my mum began to cry bless her...a few of my brothers did too...I felt strangely calm. As we drove to the crematorium I gripped mums hand tightly...and one of my brothers had hold of her other hand. She was shaking :( I felt calm the whole way there. Dad's flowers were beautiful...white flowers with red trimming spelt out "Dad" and "Grandad". Mum had brought the spray of gorgeous coloured flowers for the top of the coffin...and there were 3 red roses...from his 2 beloved dogs and the cat...so appropriate for Dad...he loved those animals, especially his two boys ("my boys" as he called them). As we drove up to the crematorium I couldn't believe how peaceful and beautiful it was. Then I saw people standing outside...and I could not believe my eyes..there were LOADS of people there. We had estimated about 50 people....yet when we were all seated, there were people stood at the back where there was no room. Apparently there was about 140 people there...we couldn't believe it...it was overwhelming just how many people had turned up to show their respects and showed just how well loved my Dad was. The song on the way in was 'Wind Beneath My Wings'...I thought i would be a tearful mess but I really wasn't...I felt shakey but otherwise very calm. I sat down at the front and turned around and was just so so shocked by how many people were there yet so comforted to see so many friendly faces all there for dad.
My right leg was really shaking when I was sat down...the same leg that was shakey like that on our wedding day in fact...yet I felt strangely calm. I think that was Dad with me...calming me down. My goddaughters mum is into spiritual things and she said to me afterwards that she could feel and see dads energy. I really do think he was with me..giving me the strength to get through it. My mum stood up and spoke first...bless her...she did so well...she was so emotional and her words were beautiful. I know Dad would have been smiling. Then my second to oldest brother stood up and said something...his speech was lovely too. Then it was my turn. God knows how I got through it but I did. My voice trembled at the end a little but boy was I pleased I did that for my Dad. I just kept thinking how strong and brave he was to stand up at our wedding when he knew why we had brought the wedding forward and he knew that everyone knew how poorly he was....then he carried on with that strength and determination throughout his whole illness. I knew I had to be strong for him. Rather than speak about Dad...I read out the following...almost like a letter to Dad...
Dad…what can I say. You were not only my Dad but my best friend. You always gave me the best advice…you knew how to handle me when I was having one of my stroppy moments… you just knew EXACTLY what to say and do and somehow made everything seem ok again. I love how we used to get into fits of giggles together over the silliest of things – one thing that sticks in my mind is the time on holiday when we were out in the evening and you made the BEST owl noises and frightened two old ladies…they didn’t have a clue it was you!
As your little girl, I would like to say thank you for being the best Dad a girl could ever wish for. You were so fiercely protective of me, as you were all your family, and always made me feel so safe. They say a Dad is a son’s first hero and a daughter’s first love – well for me you were both and always will be.
You worked so hard to make sure me and the boys had the best upbringing possible and always did your very best for us all - we are all so grateful for your unconditional love and support.
The day you walked me down the aisle to marry Marc was the best day of my life and one I will treasure forever….I was SO proud of you that day. You made a brilliant wedding DJ too! I am so thankful that I married someone who reminds me of you in so many ways and loves you as much as I do…and I know he will always look after me just like you did.
We are all so proud of how brave, strong and determined you were throughout your fight – and how you kept smiling and laughing right up until the end – you truly are an inspiration to us all.
I promise to do everything I can to make you proud and I know you will always be with us, watching us shine and grow – just like our song says.
We all miss you so much. I love you Dad.
After I had spoken I felt more emotional. My eldest brother spoke last and his speech was beautiful too...all 4 tributes were so different yet so special and emotional. As the lady read Dad's eulogy there were lots of tears but also lots of laughter as we reminised about our amazing Dad. When she said how I was Dad's little princess being his little girl...I cried so much. I felt so proud that he was my dad but so so so sad that we had lost him. The lady spoke about mine and Marc's wedding too...that made me cry so much as I remembered how amazing dad was that day...I was so proud of him...I will treasure that day forever. It was the best day of my whole life and I am so glad we did it so dad could be there with us. The curtains closing was hard...but the hardest part of the whole service was the final song which dad had chosen himself...our song that he walked me down the aisle to 'Father and Daughter'. I could picture Dad walking me down the aisle just 6 months before...and as I listened to the words I felt SO proud that dad had chosen that song...the lyrics were so beautiful and he was saying how he would always paint me a sign so I will always know how much he loved me. We stayed in the room for quite a while...I wanted to listen to the song as much as I could...I loved the words so much. Then we all started leaving. As we walked out I was hugged by so many people...it was so overwhelming. Everyone kept saying how proud Dad would be and how well I did..."You did your Dad so proud" they would say. My answer was "Well not as proud as I am of him & how brave and strong he was the whole time". He honestly had not complained once...he was so determined to fight the cancer ("let me have a curry to burn the bastard" he would joke!)...and he did not want to give up treatment...he didn't want to leave us. Right up until he was unconscious he was saying how he HAD to go and see the consultant on Monday...he thought they may lower his treatment dose...he wasn't ready to give up :( He was so so tough my Dad. He kept laughing right up until the very end too...he was truly amazing. That day of his funeral I got to tell people just how amazing he was too...I thanked one of his friends who has been battling cancer for 4 years...and another friend who has been battling it for about 20 years...both were such huge inspirations to dad and their chats with him really did keep him going. I am so pleased that I could thank them in person for all the support they gave Dad. One of Dad's friend told me that when we were driving up to the crematorium there was a light dusting of rain....the Irish believe that this is a sign that heaven is opening their gates....I liked that idea.
The days after the funeral...and since then really...I have felt numb and empty. I feel like I am in a daze most of the time...when I stop and really think that Dad has gone I just cry and cry and can't stop....I can't catch my breath where I cry so hard sometimes. A couple of days after the funeral we sat and watched a dvd of dad at my brothers 40th birthday about 4 years ago...Dad was reading out a poem he had written (he was the BEST at writing poems ever!)...he looked and sounded SO healthy and happy...I could not believe what cancer had done to my Dad. I could not believe how different he looked. I have photographs on my phone from about a week before we lost Dad and I looked at them the other day and I could not believe just how poorly he looked. I was seeing him every single day and although I could tell he looked poorly...it is not until you compare old pictures then you realise just how ill he looked...my poor Dad :(
I emailed Dad's work colleagues when I got back to work the week after the funeral to thank them for coming and to thank them for supporting Dad throughout his illness. The lady I had emailed replied saying what a wonderful man my dad was...how knowledgeable and funny he was and how proud he was of all his family...and how we showed why on Friday and we were a credit to him. Boy did I cry....Dad really was so proud of us all...I can imagine him telling them about us all...he really was so proud and loved us all so much. Everyone said at his funeral just how amazing dad was...how no one could ever say a bad word about him...no one ever has said a bad word about him...because there was NOTHING bad. He really was the most wonderful man in the world...he would do anything for anyone...he was fiercly protective of us all...throughout his illness his tried masking his pain through fear of upsetting us...he was ALWAYS more worried about how we were feeling than how he was. And he would give you his very last penny...even if he didn't have it...he would find a way. He was just one in a million. Everything about him was amazing. We never ever clashed..the only times he annoyed me was when he fell asleep in front of the TV watching Eastenders and snored sooo loudly!! Or when he eat crisps and made soo much noise doing it!! Or when he used to repeat himself...he'd ask the same question over and over sometimes and then say "Now are you sure..."..."YES dad...i've told you already"...haha little things like that make me smile though!!! Then he would always take the mickey out of me if I got stroppy :)
Dad was so sentimental. Since we lost him we have gone through all his belongings. We found a box with so many photos of us all...photos of us when we were all children, a gift tag from a christmas present my mum brought him YEARS ago...the tag looks so worn and old...but it had a lovely poem my mum had written on it...bless him...he had kept it all those years. There was a card from a holiday me, mum and one of my brothers went on to Malta...I think it was an all inclusive card with our photos on...we look SO young!! I can't believe Dad kept little things like that!! Then there was the 65th birthday card me and Marc had given him which had really beauitful words...he had kept that bless him.
I keep thinking back to happy times with Dad...they make me smile...then I feel SO sad and it hurts so much. One day I will treasure is the day we took mum to the zoo for her birthday on August 9th....so just over a month before we lost Dad. Dad took a walking stick as he was struggling a little with walking...he said he was just very achey and a bit weak on his legs where he has lost a bit of weight. I saw that day just how hard it was for him to walk around and the zoo was a lot bigger than I had remembered...but Dad being Dad did not complain once!!! On our way in Dad was taking the mickey and messing around as he always did "Animals! Animals!" he shouted as he waved his stick in the air hahaha! We went into the cafe as soon as we got there and Dad had a bacon roll which was no suprise...although the bacon wasn't burnt to a crisp like he liked it! I was trying to be healthy that day..."Sar...jacket potato with beans there!" he said...as he spotted the healthy option bless him...I know it's only a little thing but he just always thought about us...he always helped us out (I hadn't spotted the jacket potatoes and was getting tempted by the sausage rolls!)...we sat in the corner table where we sat the last 2 times we've been there...I'll always sit there now when I go. That day Dad eat LOADS...he was so proud of himself too....telling me just how much he had eaten....a scone with cream, a milkshake, then a huge hot dog...I filmed Marc feeding a bird at that point and turned the camera to dad as he was chatting about his hotdog and how nice it was...I'm so glad I filmed that. Like I say, it's the little things.
Me and Dad shared so many little moments that day at the zoo. I kept saying I needed to sit down and have a drink...I knew dad wouldn't say when he wanted to sit down all the time as he didn't want to hold us all up. At one point Mum and Marc went to watch the seal show and me and Dad sat there just chatting about anything and everything. He was on top form that day...laughing and joking and everything just seemed so normal. Dad fed the giraffes too..normally he stands back and lets everyone else do it but I made him do it this time!! We've got some lovely pictures of him feeding them...such lovely lovely memories.
I feel like Dad is with us still. The other day, a few days before the funeral, me and Marc were driving home through the London traffic...chatting about Dad and saying how everyone had really pulled together since his illness. Then we stopped at traffic lights and Marc said "I can't wait to take you to Mexico"...which we had promised Dad we would do. As he said that the purest, whitest feather I have ever seen in my life brushed up the front of the windowscreen and disappeared. Marc looked in the mirror but couldn't see where it went. We both looked at each other in complete disbelief. It had caught my eye where it was so incredibly white. We knew it was Dad. You never ever see a pure white feather in the dirty streets of London and out of the hundreds of cars then...it chose our car to land on. It was the most beautiful, surreal moment. Then when we were at my mum and dads house the other day...I ran upstairs to my old bedroom and my dog Ollie ran up behind me as he always does..normally he runs straight into my old room and jumps up on the bed for cuddles...but this time he ran straight into my dads room, tail wagging and would not leave no matter how much I called him. It was so strange. I do wonder what he sensed. I just hope so much that Dad IS with us....I really hope we keep getting these little signs as they help so much. I sometimes feel like I can smell Dad too...I'm not sure if that is just in my mind though.
My aim now is to get fit for our honeymoon which we booked last weekend....I got so emotional when we booked it as we had promised Dad we would and he knew we were going to Mexico but we couldn't go home and tell him about it :( I am also aiming to set up a support group for carers/people who have lost loved ones to cancer in my local area....and I intend to do as much fundraising for cancer research as I can. Me and Marc are also house hunting still...and hopefully the perfect house will come along soon. Anytime we find one and I'm not sure I have to think to myself "What would Dad say" as he always gave the best advice about houses...well about anything...but he has taught us well and I know what to look out for.
I just need to keep strong...like Dad did...and try and make him proud like I promised him I would. I love him soooo much :( xxx
