My Amazing Dad passed away this time last week....

20 minute read time.

FormerMember

24 Sep 2013

My Amazing Dad passed away at 6.15pm on Tuesday 17 September. He was at home surrounded by his family...just as he wanted. This blog post may be upsetting to some so I apologise if it is but I need to get everything from the last week or so written down.

We knew on Wednesday 11 September that things were not looking good. Strangely I had decided to not go to work that day...I felt like i HAD to be with Dad. I blogged about what happened that day in my previous post. One thing I did forget...was that when Dad came downstairs to see the hospice nurses he apologised for not getting dressed - "Sorry for not getting dressed but i've just been out for a run"!!! He literally never lost his sense of humour...even right until the very end. When the hospice nurses told him his cancer was advancing he looked confused and more worried about how me and mum were taking it in than how he was feeling...typical Dad. My heart broke for him in his final days. It felt like Dad was just "left" by the hospital if I am honest. He never had a scan after the first lot of chemo...he never got examined apart from at his appointment just before he started on the erlotinib. When they "delayed" the erlotinib as it seemed his side effects were too bad...they never gave us his blood test results which I am sure would have shown up that things were getting worse. They just left him. We had to chase and chase the hospital fighting to get an appointment with the consultant and for his scan which they promised they would move forward. Dad never even made the appointment with his consultant as by then he was unconscious. The CT department messed up with organising his scan...when mum chased they didn't even have him on file to have a scan. Dad had SO much faith in his consultant...we all did. We all believed that if the erlotinib didn't work they would just try something else...they wouldn't give up. I KNOW nothing can bring Dad back and we all knew time was limited and Dad's cancer was terminal but we were literally told NOTHING. Even right up until 2 days before he died, Dad was determined to get to his appointment with the consultant...he needed to hear from him exactly what had happened. Dad had cancer in one lung and in his liver. But we do not know whether the cancer spread...we do not know if it got bigger in his liver (although he did not get jaundiced)....we know nothing. We had no idea about time until late Sunday evening when a nurse visited and one of my brothers asked her what was happening...she said Dad's heart was not working properly and it was likely that he would have days...possibly a week.

On the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday Marc and I stayed with Dad. So that mum could get some rest we took it in turns to sit with Dad. Dad was so scared....although he didn't admit it...he was too scared to go to sleep in case he didn't wake up. He sat up in bed...his eyes dark and wide...and he just said he didn't feel tired. Any time I tried to lay him down in the bed he said he couldn't get comfortable...he moved about trying to get comfy but it was obvious he was in too much pain. He was so so thirsty that everytime I lifted him up to have a sip of his drink and then put him back down...he would need a drink again. He kept apologising bless him...and he kept saying how me and Marc HAD to get back to work...he was so worried that us missing work would jeopardize our jobs and we wouldn't be able to get our house. Those nights were so so hard. I felt so so tired and helpless...Dad kept saying to me "I am completely helpless now" and "Sar...I have never ever felt this ill in all my life"...it was heartbreaking. He had lost so much weight that he was literally all bones. He found me rubbing his back so so comforting....i sat for hours just rubbing his back gently. We even made a joke out of that...Marc loves having a back rub/scratch and I'd say to Dad "Oh no Dad Marc is going to make me do these all the time now as I always say I'm too tired and here I am rubbing your back all the time"....Dad chuckled. Then one time Dad was sat up at the kitchen table and I was rubbing his back...he turned to Marc and said "This is lovely...not that you'll ever know Marc!"...we all giggled at that!!!

Dad really did not want to go into a hospice....he said that when you go into a hospice you don't come out again...and he was scared of dying which I am sure is why he wouldn't sleep too. Mum thought she couldn't cope and thought Dad would be best in a hospice....this caused quite a bit of tension in Dad's final days between mum and all us kids. I PROMISED dad i would look after him and I vowed to not put him in a hospice. It was weird though...me and mum had a rocky night on the Saturday...I felt SO angry with everything...we were on our way to my brothers house (two brothers from Scotland wanted to spend time with him on their own) and mum said to me in the car "I'll say it now...if i am ever this ill..put me in a hospice"...it made me SO angry. That night i just couldn't stop crying. When we got home Dad could sense the tension between me & Mum..she stormed upstairs, slammed the door, then came back downstairs and sat sulking. Dad managed to calm her down in a way i will never forget. He started talking to her about how it was around my brothers that evening...then he changed the subject to talk about how my 2 brothers had watched the footy with him and one of them had told Dad his future plans etc. Suddenly everything felt more peaceful...all 3 of us had a massive heart to heart...chatting about the past...talking about when mum and dad came up to visit me at uni...all the fun times we have had together...then Dad said "See....everything feels much calmer now...that has cleared the tension"..he said how hard it was for everyone not just him. Again...always thinking about us rather than how HE was feeling. He made me and mum feel calmer and cleared the air completely. I think he KNEW then that he wouldn't be around for much longer...and he didn't want any animosity. I cried that night to Dad....I said how I was worried that both him and mum would be lonely when he gone. I asked Dad if he was scared....he took a deep breath and said "Yeh...I am" I asked him what he was scared of..."I'm scared of not being able to breathe at the end...and that I'll be gasping for breath". I tried to comfort him and said how it wouldn't be like that...it would be peaceful and he wouldn't be in any pain. I should have been more comforting I think looking back....I didn't know what to say :(

After that chat Mum went to bed and I sat up with Dad for a bit downstairs. I then tried to lift him from the sofa for him to go to the loo and go and get into bed upstairs...I couldn't lift him. I felt SO annoyed with myself....but he just felt heavier and I couldn't do it. So I called Marc down and he helped me....but then Dad had to literally crawl up the stairs....it was heartbreaking. The following morning mum wouldn't let dad downstairs...."You can't get down there...you are going to fall"...that upset dad SO much....he wanted to be downstairs...sat in his spot on the sofa with his boys (the dogs) and ready for when my brothers came round again. Later that morning Marc and one of my brothers helped Dad downstairs....determined as ever, Dad managed to walk down the stairs pretty well considering. That is something I will never forget about Dad....he was SO determined right up until the last moment. I would help him sit up in bed to have a drink but only if he REALLY couldn't do it. He would say "Hang on...let me give it a go"....I could tell it was hurting him but he was so determined to still do things himself. He's go "Come on you silly git....get up". His feet and legs had swollen up SO much....I could not believe how big they got. They were heavy when I tried to lift them onto his foot stool thing or into bed. But Dad even tried to do that himself!!! That Sunday afternoon I had my "Chat" with Dad. All my brothers had had 5 minutes with Dad on their own...kind of a goodbye chat I guess...to say thank you for everything and to tell them their plans for the future. I NEARLY left this chat until after Dad's hospital appointment on Monday...boy am I glad I didn't as by then he was unconscious and he never made that appointment.

Dad was watching the footie...I went and sat next to him as close as I could. "Dad...I just want to say how proud i am of you" I said as I fought back tears. "Of me? No no...I'm proud of you" he said..."All of you". He was always so humble and never took compliments. I said how proud i was of him fighting so hard....and never giving up when he so easily could have done. The rest of our chat is a bit of a blur. Dad didn't look at me much...I think he found it too hard to so he just sat staring at the tv as did I really. I then said how everything I had done this year had been all of for him. He smiled and said "I know"....I said "did you?" he said "Well i knew you did the wedding for me"....we hadn't told him we had booked the wedding and planned it all in 3.5 weeks purely because of his diagnosis...we had tried to hide it as much as possible as we didn't want him to think that we were giving up on him and didn't think he had any time left. I asked him if he found our wedding day hard...."No way....it was lovely" he said. I then said how the last 9 months together have been amazing....he said "Cor yeh..." I said how grateful I am for that time and how i have loved seeing him every single day and chatting to him every single lunchtime (for the whole hour most days!)...and he smiled. I said how he was not only my dad but my best friend....my Number One I said!! "Nope....number 2...Marc is your number 1"!! he replied to that!! I said how I am SO glad he got to know and love Marc as a son and how Marc considered him as a second Dad. He said "Marc is the best bloke I have ever met"....what a compliment!!! Dad then went on to say how he was way more selfish than Marc was....and how Marc will do anything for anyone and never moans!!! Ermmmm the same can be said for you Dad!!! No no...I'm way more selfish than that...I do things but then moan afterwards....as humble as ever!!!!

I asked how Dad coped losing his mum to cancer at 27 (my age strangely enough)....He said he was selfish (again!) and how once he lost his mum he wasn't very patient with his dad...he said how he should have spent more time with his dad and been more patient when his dad kept repeating himself etc.....SO strange as looking back I think he was saying that to gently remind me to be patient with Mum. We ended our chat with me promising to get our first house and take on board all his advice he has given us....I promised we would book our honeymoon and it would be the best one ever...I promised me and Marc would have one fun date day on the last Saturday of every month...Dad loved this...he loved that me & Marc had good plans to look forward to. I also promised that me & Marc would start running again and would do everything in our power to raise money for cancer charities. I then said "How am I going to cope without you Pops?" and I had a little cry and hugged him and that was it. Of course we also had a little laugh and joke that day...mostly about farting would you believe!!! Me and my 5 brothers have a very good sense of humour too and he loved us all laughing and joking like that. In his more serious moment he said to me when I was having that chat with him "It's like falling off a ladder Sar....I was climbing up and then I just fell off". That night I told mum she should have her chat with him right now....she did. And after that Dad went downhill fast. It was almost like Dad waited until all of us had had our chat with him....and then he was ready.

That night we brought down a mattress for Dad to have in the lounge as it was clear that he wouldn't be able to get up the stairs that night. I sat and massaged Dad's feet and legs with E45 cream...something I had done a few times in the nights i had sat up with him...he said it helped. Dad was on morphine slow release capsules by this point because i had rung the hospice nurses in desperation in the early hours of Friday morning saying how Dad wasn't sleeping and was obviously in pain. That night at about 1am we called all my 5 brothers to come round...3 of them helped Dad to the loo and then back to the mattress which was on the floor of our lounge...and Dad fell on his knees onto the bed...he had lost any ounce of strength that he had :( That night we thought Dad was going...the deterioration was so so quick. We all sat around him...I held one hand and mum held the other....Mum said "Remember that little stream in Wales that we went to...drift off there....you can go now...it's ok...you can go" Dad turned his head slightly and went "Where am I going to Paul" (my mums name is pauline and he called her paul)...it was his normal dry sense of humour...whether intentional or not...it still lightened the mood. I said "I love you Dad"....and he laughed a little and scratched his chest. He used to do things like that when he was trying to hide his emotions. The last thing Dad said to me was that night....we were all getting ready to have a little nap...I went to sleep on the sofa right next to him and Dad said "Sar....can you rub my hand"...he loved it when I gently stroked his hand. So I sat there and did that.... I can't remember for how long....but that was the last thing he said to me.

After that the nurses came in every 4 hours to give him a morphine injection. I think it was on the Monday afternoon that Dad suddenly changed....he didn't look like Dad anymore :( His mouth was wide open...his eyes were half open and looked bulging....and he had no strength what so ever....watching the nurses try and change his pjs was heartbreaking....we all just cried. Dad was gone but he was still fighting on. That Monday and Tuesday are a blur to be honest....I didn't shower for those 2 days...in fact I barely left Dad's side through fear of him taking his last breath without me holding his hand. It was nothing short of horrendous....I was not prepared for how quickly he deteriorated and also how horrific it would be watching my darling Dad die so slowly. On the Monday I lost it at one point and sobbed so so much....i was sat right next to Dad holding his hand and I cried so hard....then looked at Dads face and saw a tear falling from his eye. That was the only tear I saw....it was so heartbreaking but also so touching. From that moment I tried my hardest to not cry. The nurses said that Dad would still be able to hear us so I kept talking to him....telling him how much I loved him and how he would ALWAYS be my number 1.

At various points the morphine obviously started wearing off...Dad would start moving his arms...almost fighting something off...he would blink at times too....a sign he was still there I guess. We have no idea what or who he was fighting...at times he would push our hands away. Other times he would keep scratching his head....or reaching towards his pj top pocket (where he kept his electronic ciggie!)....it was so so hard to see....he seemed aggitated at times. The nurses missed 2 injections on the Monday night....they just didn't turn up for some reason and we had all fallen asleep so didn't realise until we woke up at around 4am on the Tuesday morning. The nurses had said they would give Dad a syringe driver on the Monday but Dad didn't get that until about 5 hours before he died.

It was nothing short of horrendous watching Dad fade away like he did....watching anxiously for any changes in his breathing...any noises he made. At one point one of my brothers was holding his other hand and he said "ah you can hear me Dad...I felt you squeezing my hand then"....I felt gutted as Dad hadn't squeezed my hand....I was worried he hadn't been hearing me....then sure enough he squeexed my hand a good few times after that. I laid down next to Dad for most of his final 2 days....I stroked his hand....I kissed his forehead and I literally did not stop telling him how much I loved him.

Tuesday evening we were all completely drained. It sounds crazy but we WANTED dad to let go. On the monday when everyone had been telling Dad to let go...I didn't want him to....I didn't want him to take his last breath....but by the Tuesday evening I realised that Dad had already gone...he needed to let go. At about 6pm that night two of my brothers went home....there had been no change in Dads breathing....the nurses couldn't tell us how long he had....on the Sunday night they had said they thought it would only be hours....so we had no idea when he would slip away. At nearly 6.15pm I was sat on the sofa and mum said "His breathing has changed". Before then his breathing had sounded rattly and quite heavy and deep. His mouth had now started moving when he took little short breaths....then my youngest brother cracked a joke (i will keep that personal) and Dad's mouth looked like it smiled....we could not believe it. Just a slight movement of his mouth into a little smile. He then took a deepish breath and we thought he had gone... then the weirdest thing happened....one of our dogs, Leo, who NEVER howls....sat at the foot of Dads bed and started howling....then Dad took a few more little breaths and he was gone. That moment was so peaceful...peaceful compared to the last 2 days. Our other dog, Ollie, then moved and sat next to Dad and would not move. Ollie had been licking dads hand towards the end...but it seemed that Leo didn't really know what was happening although neither of them had jumped over Dad at all like they normally would. I cried so hard...I had never ever seen anyone pass away before....and my beloved Dad was gone....he felt so so cold.

The moments after Dads final breaths are hard to remember. The doctor came in and confirmed Dad's death...then the undertakers came in a couple of hours later. I couldn't watch them take Dad away....one of my brothers, sister in law, Marc and my mum held me in the kitchen...I could barely stand....I just felt broken...i have never cried so hard.

Life has felt so so empty since Dad has gone. I have felt SO angry at times...I haven't been myself at all...it feels like my whole world has been torn apart. Yesterday we went to see Dad in the chapel of rest....it was horrific. I was not prepared at all....I had a bad morning and was in such a bad mood that when i went to see him I was just a complete mess. I haven't been sleeping well either...bad nightmares....I wake up thinking Marc is my Dad as I was lying next to Dad for his final hours. I wake up feeling so panicky too...like I can't breathe. Yesterday I took loads of photos to put in Dads coffin...and I wrote him two cards...one from just me...when Marc read it he cried his heart out :( then I wrote one from both me & Marc. It was such a comfort to write everything down. We also put an arsenal shirt in with Dad from my eldest brother...a liverpool scarf (he used to support liverpool before arsenal and one of my brothers still supports liverpool!) and dad was dressed in his arsenal shirt.

Today i went to see Dad again. I nearly didn't go in but mu wanted to take more photos. This time was SO different. I didn't cry....I felt calm. Yesterday Dad didn't look like Dad...today he looked more like Dad...just younger. HIs hair has been pushed back too which we worked out today is why he looked different...they are going to change this for us so he looks more like Dad (his hair was his pride and joy too!). The strangest thing happened in the chapel of rest today....I said "Mum...I feel like Dad is stood beside me"....mum then said "I love you"....I said "I love you pops" and at that very moment the lights above Dad flickered. Mum looked at me and we both just went silent...and from that moment we both felt completely different...so so calm. It was like Dads way of showing us he is ok....we have spoken to our friend who knows all about spiritual things and she said that electrics are the easiest way of those who have passed to give a sign to their loved ones.

Dads funeral is next Friday (4th October)...we have floral tributes for Dad and Grandad and everyone else is donating to cancer research which is what Dad would have wanted. When me and 2 of my brothers sat and chatted to dad about his funeral a few days before he died...he had said he wanted just one song. But then he told one of my brothers that he wanted "Wind beneath my wings" which is a song both me and mum love and i did a dance to when i was younger which he loved so much. And also he told my brother he wanted "Father and Daughter" played....the song he walked me down the aisle to 6 months ago. When I had asked Dad if i was allowed to know the 2 "secret" songs he smiled and said no....he asked if my brothers had told me and when i said no he smiled and just said "good". I am just honoured that he wanted those 2 songs...especially "Father and Daughter"....one of my brothers let it slip to me on the monday before Dad died so I was able to say thank you to Dad for that....I am sure he heard me say thank you too.

I plan to read out a poem that i found today at Dads funeral...it sums up exactly how i feel about my Dad. I just hope and pray i have the strength to read it on the day....I am going to just remember how strong and brave Dad was...how he gave the BEST speech at our wedding despite it being such an emotional day....I am going to do everything in my power to read out my poem and make him proud as we say goodbye.

Sleep tight Dad....I love you SO SO SO much. My world will never ever be the same again but i know you are here with me still and i promise to stay strong and make you as proud as I can. Always my Number One xxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 11 years ago

Dear Sarahmay your post bought tears to my eyes, he certainly sounds amazing as do you all. I'm so sorry for your loss, but be proud of what a fantastic daughter you are. My dear husband died 8 weeks ago tomorrow,another victim of this awful cruel disease. My thoughts are with you and your family, take care Ally x
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Sarahmay... i am so so sorry to read that your dad has passed away. I am in shock by how quick he deteriorated since your last post. You have been amazing, being there with him all the way through and till the end .... your right your world will never be the same again... but he is there and remember he is already proud. He has sounded so proud all the way through... every reaction of his you have described has been so positive to you as a daughter and the bond you have is unique. Its between you and him and you will always have that ...

I dont know you .. but i feel i do from ready your blogs and am in tears reading your blog tonight... I hope when the time is right you and marc have that honeymoon and a break as you will need it. You have been so strong for 9 months so dont be afraid to let it out and stop being strong for a while... Let Marc and your friends look after you and start being strong again when your able too....

What gives me comfort from your blog is the relationships in your family... Marc sounds amazing and i love that your dad loved him like a son - how amazing is that for him to know that his little girl is going to speng her life with a guy who he loved (a lot of dads struggle to like their daughters partners ;) ) I think that is amazing that when your ready to go on and live your life you know he is happy in the decions you have made.... you have your wedding photos to go on and show your future children and to share the stories of what an amazing grandad they had.

Look after you .. and your family ... and be proud of yourself for everything you have done and being an amazing daughter to both your mum and dad

Lots of Love
Helenxxxxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Oh no, I'm so so sorry. I can't read your post right now, but I will. I'm so sad for you, I knew how close he was. i was worried for you, still am. Scared for you. I will read it, I will I promise. Massive hugs, thinking of you. PM me if there's anything you need :( xxxxxxxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

I couldn't wait, I had to be strong and read it and I found it absolutely heart warming. He sounds so much like my dad, so many things you said were exactly the same for me. He was so very lucky to have a daughter just like you and from this moment on, you can never feel for one second that you weren't the best daughter ever and looked after him until his last breath. Not many people get to die with their loved ones around them safe in their bed.

I promise you those memories and visions of his last moments will fade. For the first few weeks all i dreamed about was dad in those final hours, his eyes wide, mouth open and gasping for breath. How when he took his last his mouth remained wide open. I stayed with him when the undertakers came for him. I didn't want him to be alone. He looked so small as they took him away. Those memories will never leave me. For some reason I didn't scream or shout or fall to the floor begging them not to take him. I regret that. I should have done. I also should have cried and begged dad not to leave me, that I couldn't live without him and what was I going to do. I wish I had, but that would have hurt him. But he needed to know how much I loved him right?

That feeling you felt yesterday when you went to see him, that calmness, that is him darling. That's your dad. He is with you. That's how I knew dad was with me, and I still feel that nearly 2 years on. That warmth, that sense of peace, that is him saying that he is ok. We took a beer to the chapel, we wanted to sit and talk and sip beer as we talked to him - dad was buried with a bottle of beer in his hand. It was nice that day. As we drove there we played the songs we picked for the funeral, so they wouldn't be such a shock on the day. There was a rainbow, despite no rain. It was him. The way he's made me feel so many times since is nothing short of amazing. This feeling of love and warmth just rushes over me and I know it's him.

See him as many times as you can. Don't dread the funeral, enjoy it. It is such a special day. All those who loved your dad will be there. Everyone is there for him, they'll talk about him, cry for him, it will be so nice. That will be the last time you are all together with him. That is something pretty special.

Your dad sounds absolutely wonderful and in being that way, he brought up a very wonderful daughter in you. You will get so much comfort from how close you became in the weeks and months that follow. You were there for him. He needed you and you were his rock. It couldn't have been better.

Take care, thinking of you xxxxxx
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FormerMember over 11 years ago

Thank you for sharing this and im tearful too.SO sorry for your loss and a similar situation for us with terminally ill Dads i suspect.I hope the funeral goes smoothly and gives your whole family the chance to make readings and remember your lovely Dad in happier times,my thoughts are with you all Paula xxxx
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