well. ive just spent the last hour or so, on and off in tears, because all this waiting is really getting to me.
i went to the hospital again to see the DR for another check up and he said, that he couldnt feel anything new. but i can? just shows that you know your own body more than anyone else. so anyways... he said theres not much more he can say to me, he said it could be a viral infection, but he isnt going to say that for sure, and that after the scan he will tell me more...
then, he said, i could ring for the results if i wanted to, on the thursday or something. so i said ermm.. and the nurse elaine said no. make an appointment for thursday. so next thursday... a whole week away, i should be finding out the results from scan, because i really cannot wait much longer.. the waiting is upsetting me, im not sleeping well. and if it is an infection then they can hurry up and sort it out cuz im sick of the pain..
so i came home, with that unanswered question... then went to get a packet of crisps.. there was none.. so i had a bit of a wobble, because, someone has ate the whole bag of crisps in 2 days.. yes.. petty i know.. silly i know.. but when im already feeling low, it doesnt take much to set me off, and just a stupid packet of crisps set me off... and that was all i wanted.. just a packet of crisps!! sounds silly now, but it got to me big time..
so i came upstairs switched laptop on, had a bit of a cry.. then decided id phone up a nurse, she is lovely, the trials nurse..
so i had a chat with her told her im worried, and that the waitin is getting to me, and she asked how im feeling, and i said, just fed up. and she asked how lump was, if it goes up and down, i said well sometimes i can feel it, then sometimes i feels like its gone down, and then other times its more obvious it is there all depending which way im looking or which way my neck is. and said oh bless you. and then she asked if there are anymore. i said im sure i can feel another one, but again, that only comes out in certain angles.. and she said ok, well, we will wait for the scan. i said, well if they think its an infection why arent i having antibiotics again then? and she said, if it is a viral infection it can take weeks to clear and because youve had antibiotics for the "throat infection" (that i didnt actually have) then it wont have worked... and she promised she will be at the hospital next thursday for when i get the results, because she is based at another hospital.. and then i told her i got my scan tuesday, and she said ok. and i said but im worried about that to, because of the last one i had, taking 7 attempts for a cannula, and they still couldnt do it..so she said, she will ring xray up.. and tell them that my veins are really difficult... because, the nurses at the chemo department said they wud try and do it, but theyve never managed it either... and she said if it comes to it, then we will try get an aneathatist to do it.. (if thats how u spell it) because they will want the best possible scan results they can get.. because my last one, i didnt have the dye...
so we left the phone call at that she would call the nurse at my normal hospital, tell her about the phone call, and then she will get the nurse to get onto the xray department, or she will do it herself....
so im feeling a little bit more chilled about the scan next week... and cant really say my mind is relaxed about the lump...
but dont nurses have much more affection, they actually care how you feel.. the doctors just dont bother... see, if he wud of spoke how she did, and maybe reassured me a little bit more then i wouldnt of got all upset.. but anyway.. im bit less tearful now... until the next thing that sets me off......
on an up note.... MACMILLANS COFFEE MORNING TOMORROW =) and im going to one, as a "special guest" !! =) getting picked up at 9.30am for that.. should be a good day.!
