i wasnt going to write this blog. because its very personal to me, but i need to get it out
me and john..
we got together in april, 2007, in september 2007 we got engaged. i was 17, he was 18.
then in october 2009 i got diagnosed with cancer, i was 19 and he was 20... everyone says its young to get cancer at that age, but as we all know, cancer doesnt pick on a certain age......
so, getting diagnosed, john said he would always be here for me, and we would fight it out together... we did.. but wow it was hard...
surviving cancer is one thing, but surviving cancer and a relationship is another thing all together..
everyone knows cancer is an emotional time, from the day of getting diagnosed, you are scared, but an over whelming urge to stay positive, to not fall apart, to not show loved ones how much this is hurting me. so i keep smiling,i keep fighting this disease. hiding the tears, and the pain i was in, to go up and down the stairs id cry all the way up. the only time i could cry was when i was in the shower, or when i was going to sleep..
i didnt wanna show pain, or anything else. because i didnt want to hurt the ones i loved and cared about, as i could see how gutted they were for me...
the days id sit and think, will this cancer kill me? what do i do? how do i go on with a normal relationship, i went through a temporary menopause at just 19/20 to protect my ovaries, for a hope of a future, as i had no time to save eggs... i lost all my hair, my confidence, how was i ever going to be good enough for john?
so what did i do... i pushed him away, so far away that we are now just holding on by the tip of our fingers, what i want more than anything is to be close again, to be in his arms, and feel loved, warm and secure...to be held tight and for him to tell me he loves me...
and more than anything i want to be told cancer is NEVER going to come back in my life again...doctors have said theres a very small chance of it ever happening, but you cant help but worry with every pain you get,anything small and it sends me into a panic..
but, back to me and john... all through treatment, we would have one good week one bad week, because on the bad week, i wouldnt want to do anything, id feel that sick, and achey and horrid, i just wanted bed... on the good week, id have little energy, so wed go out for a meal, or a small walk around the shops... slowly we stopped showing affection for one another, there was no sparkle in the eyes, no magic in the bedroom, nothing...not easy when your having hot flushes, and feeling like your body is 40 years older than what its supposed to be...
so, getting into remission, wow, a great time, so many happy faces, a big sigh of relief, but still, me and john are struggling, we sit in silence most nights, il be on the laptop, john on his playstation... or if we do sit together, watchin a film, it still dont feel right.
i want the old nights back, the cuddley nights, i want the playfulness that we used to have back, the times where we would chase each other round the house, laughing, smiling... but now, id be lucky if i could run up and down the stairs without having to sit down and be out of breath..i want the look off him where i can see it in his eyes and smile saying just how much he loves me!! weekends are good, we will go out, or go away and do things together, we will smile, and laugh and forget about how things are at home, but then we get home, and its the same miserable life again.
how do i make things right? how can i get back what we used to be? i love john to bits, and i wished that i never had cancer, i wished that it never made us how we are now.. i wished that id not pushed him away.
am i the only one going through this?
id be gutted if me and john split after all we have been through... but then i dont wanna have it end up us hating each other 2... cuz that would be unfair....
arghhhhh what do i do?????? i know its only me that can decide, i no its only me and john that can sort it, but i just dont know how!!! ive tried talking to him loads, but we just bottle up, more me than anything =(
