for the last few weeks ive been writing a letter to my team at the hospital for when i finish chemotherapy.... iv have two treatments left, and tomorrow i have chemo, so i will have just one left.... im going to give them the letter tomorrow at chemo, so that they will have all read it by the time my last chemo comes round.....i wanted to share it with you all because, its almost like a story, and it shows how i felt about the care ive recieved from them all at George Elliot hospital..... theyve all been great to me.... soo hear it is... it is long... i have warned you all....
To all the team…
I want to write this letter.. But without it sounding to soppy…but then it is going to be soppy because you’ve all been part of my life for the last 7 months. I cannot begin to say thank you enough with just words but I will try. I believe there is truly something special and unique about the care and concern you have for the patients who you treat. When I first had the lumps come up in my neck I wasn’t scared not really, I sort of prepared myself for the worst, that it was cancer. And when I had my biopsies and got the results I didn’t cry not until I told everybody. I was numb… but inside I told myself you will beat this it won’t beat you… stay positive and you will get there. All my family and friends said they couldn’t believe how positive I was… well it’s the only way to be isn’t it? So the first day I came too you all I wasn’t too upset, not really… until I had my bone marrow test… ouch that hurt! And then the relief when I found out it wasn’t in my bone. =) that was a struggle though wasn’t it… and everyone was worried that there wasn’t enough bone to be tested. Right from the beginning I’ve been “trouble”. The biopsies were a pain because they couldn’t get enough of it from the 1st one. Then the bone marrow with not enough bone… but luckily it was. Then the fact no one could find my veins… so had to have Hickman line. And then all the allergies to the dressings… And then the problems with the line not drawing back, and then shifting into my heart… only I could have so many difficulties along the way… And the first line always unclamping he he. Then the second line not drawing back blood to start with so I practically lay on the bed upside down… and you all made me look silly flapping my arms around, I bet all the other patients thought I’d be taking off in the air. Now I understand why you called me “trouble”. =) When I first started having chemo I was really nervous. Worried about how it would affect me. I had all sorts of problems to start with, earaches, bone ache… again apparently only me. But they soon went so no worries there. Then it came to losing my hair. At first I didn’t mind it, when my mum shaved my hair I didn’t even cry I just laughed because the shaver tickled and all my friends and family said it looked great. I think it was Julie who was the 1st to see my shaved head.. And for a while I left it to go fuzzy, so mum calls me a fuzzy hedgehog now. It’s not been easy, I’ve had my downs along the way where I’ve just sat and cried, and a lot of people have disappeared along the way… but I don’t need them to make me stronger, I’ve done it now… 6 months of chemo… amazing!! It shocked everyone that I was only 19 when I was first diagnosed… just a baby really… but I’ve matured so much in this journey, at least now I know I can face things in life… I guess out of anything, cancer is the worst thing to face and I did it… But I couldn’t have done it without you all… every time I’ve come you’ve always greeted me with a smile, or stuck you’re tongues out at me… Always made me smile… no matter how hard the days seemed. Some days I’ve really had to drag myself out of bed to come along, especially if it had anything to do with being hospitalised… as you all know I hated being nuetropenic… stuck in a hospital room for 5 days wasn’t too exciting so I’ve done my hardest to stay out… And the 1st time I had my nueprogen, well.. I told you all I’d be fine that I’d manage it and when you all asked how I got on, the 1st one I did I sat there ten minutes just staring at the needle. And then another 10 minutes trying to put it in my tummy, but I did it in the end, and each one got easier, as I say, anything to keep me out of hospital. Hopefully no more stays, I say this because I’m writing this letter with just two treatments left. The last few treatments have got harder for me the sick thing… I’m not sure if that’s just me… like you all said once it happens it happens again… I’ve sort of made plans in my head now, now that I’ve faced cancer, I want to swim with dolphins, ride on an elephant and a camel, and make my life the best life I could wish for… a lot of people take things for granted and I never once thought I could or would get cancer… now everyday of my life I will always remember having cancer… but!! I will live my life… get on with being me again… grow my hair, get myself a proper career, get married and have children if I can =) You all amaze me I truly appreciate each and every one of you who was/are involved with my care and especially for the kindness and respect you all showed towards me! Thank you for being so patient with me. It made a difference. Well I’ve still got to wait for my scan, and my Hickman line to be removed so you aren’t getting rid of me that easy yet!! =) And depending on when I give you this letter, depends whether I got a treatment left or whether I’m on my last one… I’m not decided yet… so you will see when you read it =) I will miss you all though, in a strange way… but I will be glad if I don’t see you all again… unless we bump into each other casually shopping =) hehehe Thank you again Emma xxx
i will also be writing another letter to my family, and my fiance that has also been here for me, and to alot of u in mac, i will blog that one though =) xx
