Markus walked into his world of dreams at 8.30 this morning. His final journey was not an easy one for either of us - he had such problems breathing and the nurses often tried to lay him down - but he couldn't stand that. I stayed with him all night the last couple of nights to be on hand when he had problems and was there most of the time since Thursday. Sometimes he managed to squeeze my hand when he woke up a little bit and didn't have breathing broblems.
Yesterday he stopped reacting or moving by himself, but I still told him long stories about what we would do when we got to England, and what we had already done when we were there. I even playesd him a tape of bleating sheep on the fellside that we recorded years ago.
Last night the nurses were so kind - Hans Peter and a lovely nurse who had been in my English course came in every hour to look at Markus, move him, clean his mouth and massage his feet. At 5 am I stopped trying to sleep and talked to Markus, who was running a very high temperature. He was breathing very regularly, but not deeply. Later some nurses came in to wash him, and I said I'd wait outside, because the washing distressed him - and me. The top nurse went in after some minutes and didn't come out again .... so I went in, to be met by the nurses saying 'It's happened'' and shaking my hand. Markus had sighed and died, they said. And I wasn't there.
My sister in law came over, and together we sat with Markus and said our goodbyes. He looked very peaceful at last. After the first surge of grief, we both felt ( and feel) so relieved that he is safe now, and has no more pain, fear or worry.
Love you, Markus.
