Thursday, 3rd June 2010
John got so upset today. I have to take the dog out every day and he just didn't feel up to it and he cried. He said he felt like he was trapped inside his body and that it was rotting away. We had a big hug and cried together but, once again, I felt so helpless.
I knew it was because he's been feeling so rough the past few days, although today was slightly better, but I also knew that he would feel even worse if he forced himself to come for a walk because he would end up exhausted.
I was so torn but I had to take her out and I'm glad I did. When I came back, I felt better for being out in the fresh air and I was more able to cope and cheer him up. It is so difficult to stop him having these morbid thoughts. I try to tell him that he's feeling rough because the chemo is working and I think he almost believed me today.
He told me later that it was because he'd been watching '60 Minute Makeover' and the lady whose house was being made over had lost her husband to cancer. The TV team did the work he'd always planned to do and it made John think of all the things he wanted to do, but can't now.
I told him I'm just glad to have him around and I couldn't care less about him not being able to do things around the house. He is much more important to me than that.
It's so hard to find the words sometimes to cheer him up and keep him going. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and didn't realise how draining that can be. At the end of the day I feel totally exhausted sometimes. I don't sleep well at night and all I can think about is what we're going through, especially when John doesn't feel like going out.
I hope tomorrow is better.
