I wasn't going to blog this because I always like to make all feel a little better but the truth is that in the last 48 hours I have gone into a very dark place and am struggling to dig myself out of a large pit that I have fought for the last three years BUT what is going on with me and many others, it really is ok to feel this way and it is normal. Thursday is the day to decided what I have to do and I know that once I know where I am going with treatment or not with treatment I know it will be easier to deal with. So I have written this just to show that even the tough old Kezzer is not coping to well and that is fine to say "Hey I am down", it is not a crime to feel this way and to realize there is a problem and it can't be delt always by the individual. I am not worried for myself but for my children, thankfully they are grown but to see them hurting is not what a parent wants, especially me because they are the two best things I ever had in my life. My daughter Toni came over last night and when Karl my son took the dog out for a walk, she said "Mum you look like you've had enough", I got up a walked into the kitchen where she followed me and broke my heart, it has been a long time coming and for the first time ever I felt like the child, lost and alone looking for my mum and that too is normal. I saw my Mac nurse Mike today and we had a long talk, I have known for two years that this day would come and have fought against it like a crazy woman ass you all know, I am going on anti depressents, I have to up my steriods because my energy levels are low and up my pain relief and see what Thursday brings, I have had 5 weeks of treatment after 13 months non stop this time and I have now idea what this cancer is up too, it is the not knowing that is pulling me down and I now know that, I thought I was doing well but mentally I wasn't. Once I know what is going on then I know I shall be able to pull my socks up and deal with it, this is the time when having a partner would help but I haven't got that, I have bottled up feelings that I didn't realize were there and now I know I have asked for help and am having a break from fighting the cancer to getting my mind set balance back on track and take it from there. Everything I have written in the past is truthful I have fought and will do so again because even though it will get me in the end, it will not find it so easy it would be so easy to give up right now but once my mind is clear yet again the battle will commence of that I have no doubt. So this blog is just to say that no matter who you are or how strong you are, sometimes that wall which you couldn't see infront of your face is allowed to crumble and then the time comes to start rebuilding it, maybe it won't look the same as before, maybe it will be even stronger and stand up better than ever. We shall see.....love and hugs to those who want them....Carol xxx
I am not dying of cancer, I am living with it
