I have to get this off my chest, hoping it will help me. I have been on here for some time now and have always felt positive. All through my treatment I have remained well and have amazed people with how I look and act. This past month I have found that I have plummeted into the depths of dispair and each morning I wake up I feel an overwhelming saddness envelope me.
Let me tell you my story and hopefully by writing it down I may feel better.
My nightmare began in April 2002 when my darling husband was diagnosed with mesothelioma. We lived each day of the next 4 years making memories and as if it were our last until eventually in March 2006 my darling lost his battle.
We had had an amazing loving happy marriage and I still miss him today.
In April 2008 I began to have rectal bleeding. I was referred to the Colorectal clinic where I had all the tests and was told that I was clear.
In October 2008 I found a lump and thought it was a prolapse. I was referred to the gynaecological clinic where they told me it was my bowel wall poking through and that it would be repaired along with my bladder if tests on my bladder proved that it was disfunctioning.
I had the tests in April 2009 and my bladder was fine. Nothing was said about my lump.
In May 2009 I was referred back to the Colorectal clinic because of more rectal bleeding. I was told it was Haemarroids and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The first was banded with a rubber band and I was told that the second would right itself eventually. I was told to go away and come back in 6 weeks.
8 weeks later on Thursday 2nd July I saw the registrar at the hospital who again said that it was IBS and that the pain would get better.
By then I was in horrific pain and just needed to get home to my bed.
On Sunday 5th July my bowel burst and I had to have an emergency operation to remove a very large tumour and 2 lymph nodes. I also needed a temporary colostomy.
After 3 months I started a 6 month course of chemotherapy, my experience with chemo wasn't as bad as I know some people have had. I got through it with minimal side affects and at least I didn't lose my hair.
I am now awaiting for an operation to reverse my colostomy.
So I am at the end of my journey and battle with cancer.
I have been very very lucky.
So why do I feel so very very sad?
I should be shouting from the rooftops that I survived.
I should be looking forward to a happy healthy future but I can't.
Am I normal, is it normal to feel as I do?
Love to everyone on here and please don't think bad of me for feeling so ungrateful. Love Julie xxxxxxx
