Anniversary Time
I have been reflecting on a few things as the second anniversary of my diagnosis with terminal Breast Cancer approaches. Feb 14th 2008 was the day – the day before my birthday and the day my world, and the world of my daughters (and my Mum) fell apart. It was such a horrible dark time I haven’t blogged about it until now, or felt able to, until now.
Background – First diagnosed with Breast Cancer April 2003 – had lumpectomy and lymph node sample (all clear) then further resection (as did not have clear margins) – followed 4 cycles of A&C chemotherapy then by 25 sessions of radiotherapy (20 regular and 5 ‘Boost’). Was told had 2% chance of cancer to return and to go away, live my life and forget about it! (With some Tamoxifen to take for 5 years too)
Went back to University and completed my degree. Got a job as a careers adviser working full time. Tried very hard to get on with my life and to forget about cancer – not as easy as it may sound!!
Gradually began to get a few odd symptoms which no-one seemed interested in but that bothered me. The oddest symptom was probably the first one – I began to get a sharp pain in my chest across my breastbone and ribs whenever I changed gear when driving. Told my Macmillan nurse and my GP – neither felt it was significant. Bone pain continued. Became extremely tired and everything was an effort. Began coughing, and coughing and coughing – GP investigated and decided I had Asthma (I didn’t) – only relief I had was when I got prescribed Steroids for Asthma (which I didn’t have). Anaemia – this was brushed off as ‘women’s problems’ (that wasn’t the cause).
Pain began to increase – bone pain – really bad at night – along with the cough hardly got any sleep for months. One night I remember clinging to the bedpost coughing up blood and thinking I feel like I am dying – this can’t be right I feel dreadful. Got severe shoulder tip pain – went to GP again – said “I am worried that all these symptoms mean I might have secondary’s” – GP placed hand on shoulder and said “Yes I have to bear that in mind” – no action taken.
Pain really bad and began noticing that my breastbone where was once flat in appearance now seemed ‘domed’ – went to see GP – unable to see that GP – given appointment with different GP – he reviewed my symptoms and FAXED a immediate referral to the breast clinic taking place that morning. I had to walk onto clinic with no appointment – find my Macmillan Nurse and explain GP had faxed a letter. Seen immediately by Surgeon who ordered X-ray to sternum, Bone and CT scans marked ‘Urgent’. Terrible fear set in.
I went back to work and had quiet word with trusted manager who said I could work or not as I saw fit and gave the all clear for time off for the x-ray that afternoon and scans later that week. Went back for X-ray to sternum – had many many different views taken from all angles. Spent the next few days working hard and going for tests, colleagues unaware of what was happening. At bone scan was told I could get up as the test was finished, when someone suddenly burst into the room and said they needed more angles and could I lie down again (at this point I knew they had seen cancer as I had had a bone scan before and this had not happened). Arranged with the Macmillan Nurse that she would ring me and then I could go onto the hospital to hear the initial results. Got that call whilst at work a few days later (Feb 14th), rang my manager to ‘ok’ leaving work, and went to pick up my Mum – we went to the hospital together to hear the news we didn’t want to hear.
Told very gently that the cancer was back. The pain in my sternum was because the sternum was infected with cancer – as well as my spine which looked like someone had held a string of white pearls along it (the cancer nodules). The CT scan showed cancer in the structures behind my sternum (windpipe gullet etc – hence the breathing problems which weren’t Asthma) and that my Liver had multiple tumours. I had small tumours in both lungs as well. I would be seen urgently by the Oncologist the next week who would look at treatment options but that the disease was widespread and would be incurable. So that was that – I was going to die.
Previously had discussed cancer with my daughters and they had expressed a wish to be told the truth that was when they were 8 and 11 years old – five years on and I said did they still want to hear the truth – they both said yes. We all fell apart and cried together – just awful. I told them I would fight as hard as I could and take all the treatments I could have.
Later that evening there was a knock on the door. It was just after 8pm (I know ‘cos East Enders had just finished :o) ) Opened the door to find my GP on the doorstep. I didn’t invite her in – she wanted to write me a sick note – I had to lend her a pen – she asked me for my date of birth – I told her – she began to cry and said, “you are the same age as me – I am so sorry”. I took the sick note and closed the door, Having just told my kids I was dying I didn’t feel I owed her any sympathy – especially after seeing her for over 9 months and being fobbed off.
The next week I went to see the Oncologist who held my hand and took the longest time with me – he said “It looks like complete treatment failure”. It felt like it too. Next day lay in bed – my youngest daughter came in and said, “Happy Birthday Mum” – how sad was that? With both of us wondering if I would see another Birthday.
TBC.....
