Of course time has moved on considerably from Feb’08 but I felt I wanted to put down in writing the awful time I had before and at diagnosis. I am now able to step back and reflect on this period. I knew I had little time remaining – what was the point in filling it with bitterness and thoughts of revenge? I now no longer hold the GP to blame – she did not give me cancer – she may have cost me a little more time with my family but as things conspired a number of fortuitous things occurred between my initial presenting to her with symptoms and my eventual diagnosis. These were to play an important part in my future and confirm what I have always believed – everything is for a reason. Among them was I changed jobs and moved from being a careers adviser in Newcastle to working with those 16-19 year olds who were unable to get places in 6th form college or training – the base was closer to home cutting down my travelling from 2 hours a day to 20 minutes! I was also asked to move back to full time and drop the term time contract – as my kids were getting older and were more independent I did this. What this meant was – when it came to my being retired on ill-health grounds I was entitled to a far bigger pension and lump sum than I would have been. I have been able to buy my house!
My girls and I had some dreadful times trying to come to terms with my news and many plans needed to be made in order to secure their future. Their Dad was keen to step up to the mark and agreed to take them on when I was unable to manage any more (we divorced over 10 years ago). I had to make a will and am still planning my funeral.
After about 2 weeks of wallowing I was suddenly struck by something – and that was the cancer had taken me over – I had allowed it to control my every waking thought and it was exhausting. I came to the decision that it may have invaded my body but it wasn’t going to control me – I wasn’t going to submit to it mentally – I was going to take control back. It may sound strange but I really take this seriously! I make appointments to suit me I rearrange Scan appointments – I often tell my Oncologist what I want to do next, whether it is to have a treatment break or try a new chemo or a drugs trial!
If you read my profile you will see the sorts of things I have done – including fulfilling a dream to take my girls to Florida. But by far the best thing to happen throughout all of this was discovering the WhatNow website and meeting some amazing people who I now regard as very special friends – who I keep in regular contact with all the time and we meet up too. The site has enabled me to continue giving to people instead of always taking, which I missed when I stopped working, I like trying to help people.
I have tried to enjoy as much of this time I have been gifted with since diagnosis – and although bittersweet, the good times have outweighed the bad. Two highlights have been the Cosy Cottage Retreat that I organised for 14 women from this website and last year I had a birthday party to celebrate surviving a year from diagnosis with over 140 friends and family present. My girls have dealt with my illness differently and with varying degrees of success but they are both managing to keep on track with their education and I am extremely proud of them both. Our house is full of the normal sounds of life with teenagers – lots of shouting and music – etc NORMAL sounds he he he. I look at them and see the fierce young women they are becoming and see some of my own defiance and determination is deep within them. Their father and my family are ready with waiting arms to take care of them when I am no longer able to and that is a good feeling – I need to know they will be cared for.
Health wise I have undergone a great deal of treatment, including Radiotherapy for pain control and chemotherapy. Two years on and my scans are showing deterioration but I am waiting to hear about a drug trial. I can do far less than I could two years ago but am hoping it is temporary because I have just finished a hard chemo regime and I need to recover some strength.
I haven’t gone through the last two years alone – I have been supported at every step by my family and many friends, some of whom I have had to beat off with a big stick at times !! (I am quite independent) My closest friend, Sue has travelled this path with me since the day we were both diagnosed in ’03, she has been a brick and has seen me at my best and my worst and never left my side (Thanks xxx). I am facing my future with friends (and Pippin my lovely Westie). Love to you all, Jools xxx Please keep your fingers crossed for me with the drug trials.
