‘I believe that when I die I shall rot, and nothing of my ego will survive.’
(Bertrand Russell)
I was strongly influenced by Russell’s writing when introduced to it by a friend in my undergraduate days; it confirmed my atheism and my conviction that there is no life after this one. I do not dread dying but do regret that I will not be alive to witness significant future events, such as the birth of further…
‘One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all’
(“White Rabbit”, Jefferson Airplane)
Cancer treatment involves an enormous number and diversity of drugs, dispensed in hospital by numerous pharmacists who carefully check that each patient has exactly what has been prescribed. Patients carry these home in distinctive bright…
‘It is a clinical impression that some patients given oral corticosteroids develop a sense of wellbeing that is 'inappropriate' to improvements in physical health. This has been termed steroid 'euphoria', but unlike steroid-induced psychosis it has not been documented.’ **
It has not all been bad. I have had two unprecedented periods of artistic creativity over the last year which seem to…
‘Sometimes my burden is more than I can bear,
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there.’
(Bob Dylan)
So far, dying for me has been a very slow and gradual process, punctuated by the occasional drama. Each day, I find myself slightly less able to do things. As a result, my world has shrunk, both in terms of what I do and in terms of the physical space I occupy. I am now largely confined to my…
‘You can check out any time you want,
But you can never leave.’
(“Hotel California”, The Eagles.)
Perhaps the biggest bore when spending time in hospital is waiting for one’s Discharge Letter, a document drafted by a doctor outlining any updated diagnosis and any changes of medication. This has to be accompanied by a bright green bag containing existing and new drugs to take home. Waiting for…
