Since my mum passed away last Wednesday, I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions that I actually felt giddy at one point yesterday, physically giddy. I went into work - briefly - and everyone was wonderful, but then the children from the local infant school came to sing carols and I had to leave, quickly.
I drove to Lakeside to look for a black suit and bright shirt for the funeral on Friday, and I've never felt so miserable in all my days of shopping for clothes. I made the big mistake of going into the Body Shop and putting some cream on my hands - the same one I used when I gave my mum a manicure in hospital five weeks ago - and I came out of the shop in tears.
I keep going over the last few months in my head and telling myself off for all the things I didn't do with her, or didn't do enough of and it's so painful. I forgot to thank her for the love and care she showered on me 20 years ago when I had my first son (and didn't have a clue what to do with him...) and I forgot to thank her (again) for helping us buy our first home.
Then this morning I got up and the sun came out, just as it did last Wednesday when she died - and I suddenly realised that I've got it the wrong way round....I should be remembering all the wonderful things we DID do together..our camping holiday in France in 2004 to celebrate her 60th birthday, when I would get up in the night when I heard her rustling her sleeping bag, chuck her in the wheelchair and rush her off to the toilets, often crashing into things and both of us bursting out laughing in the dead of night! (WE STAYED IN A TENT!!!) Our shopping trips to Lakeside and Bluewater where I would end up a laughing stock trying to carry tons of silly shaped objects and push a wheelchair! All our evenings sat in front of the box watching Silent Witness, Strictly Come Dancing and Heartbeat....the night when we watched that famous episode of the Apprentice where those wallies had to get the kosher chicken and they spoke of 'taking it to the mosque to get it blessed'...me and mum were still laughing an hour after the programme had finished!
I hope she knew how much I loved her, I really do, because she was so brave and accepting about her situation that we didn't have big crying sessions together, we sat and reminisced and laughed together and I don't know now if she will have understood that inside I was heartbroken.
I hope this pain will subside at some point, because it hurts so much xxxxx (As always, I feel so much better for writing this down.)
Love, Hannah xxxx (PS Give your mums a huge cuddle from me!)
FormerMember
hi hannah, i lost my mum 4 years ago to this awful desease but i didnt lose her in my heart i still talk to her and she is still a big part in our family i think the more you talk about her and remember the good times you shared and the bad gives you the strength to wake up each day and thank god for the time we have our mums after all we are a part of them which will live on and on in our children and grandchildren for ever within in our hearts,god bless you and make you strong dont think on friday of saying goodbye think of when you will meet again,lots of love and hugs
I am so sorry and my heart reaches out to you and your family.
My father died some 17 years ago and I was sent this poem, its given me so much strength over the years, I hope in time it will support you too. The happy times are the ones you will remember all the time and you will smile.
Always remember you mum is with you wherever you are.
all my love
Beverley xxx
Death is Nothing at All
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I, and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort,
Without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
