I'm feeling pretty devastated right now - mum has deteriorated over the last 5 days and she was meant to be coming home from the hospice tomorrow, I cleared her room out to make way for the special bed (which is all set up and ready to go) and my daughter is preparing to decorate the room with all things Christmassy (like a little tree and tiny baubles!) - and the hospice rang me this morning to say her discharge has been 'deferred'. She has a chest infection - which I know about as I see her every day - but they want to give it more time to respond to the anti-biotics. She also has thrush in her mouth and an abcess in her throat. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't be able to come home yet, as yesterday she was so poorly and weak, but it still made me cry because I wanted her to be here with me and my family, and feel some proper warmth that only a loving family can provide.
I spent two hours with her this afternoon, wrapped her up and took her outside (she still wants to light a cigarette even though she can't inhale!!!!) and then I took her in for wash with the nurse, and she was too weak to even brush her own teeth. I sat on the bed with her and asked her if she wanted me to bring anything in for her tomorrow and she said 'you know, I've been thinking about that - and I have a head full of wonderful memories, so I don't need anything else' - the words of a woman who has really lived her life to the full - THANK GOD!
I hate this awful terrible thing that has come into our lives, and I have never felt such a mixture of emotions - hate, anger, desparation, sadness, sorrow - all at the same time.
Thinking of you all as always,
Hannah xxx
