Dear Little Jen
Let this be a warning to you for being smug and proud of the things you achieve and thinking you were doing alright. (And i know you try to write positive stuff but you can't escape this one, can you.) So you're probably a bit tired, probably a bit below par, probably got too much to do. You were probably living on a high, after realising you actually know some lovely people.
But you weren't expecting that, were you? The express train from the tunnel of hell which slammed straight through you. Came out of nowhere. Threw you against the wall where you howled and sobbed, and your heart felt as though it was being ripped out of your chest. And please God would you do that for me? Would you rip out this heart, make it stop, give me a let out, anything but this horrendous all-consuming pain of longing, longing with every centimetre of flesh for someone I can't be with anymore. This pain of amputation is so searingly deep and real. And why did it happen?
Because, quite innocently, I was listening to a radio interview with silly old Rod Stewart and there were just a few bars of that stupid song from 1977, 'I don't wanna talk about it............' And I was right back somewhere else in a year when my whole world turned upside down because a tall beautiful man walked into my life.
And a tiny part of me thinks I might have been better off if I'd ignored him and let him just walk away. Because then i wouldn't be going through this awful, torturous, writhingly, searingly, burning deep pain. But I know I couldn't have done that. Let him walk away, I mean. And I know that I'd have missed out on 35 years of what we had.
Does he know what I am going through? Can he see my pain? Can he see me rolling in agony on the kitchen floor? Does he know how much I want to go to the grave and dig it up with my bare hands just to lie with him in the cold earth? Is this the pain he felt when he was dying?
No. What he suffered was a million times worse, a trillion times worse, and what is more, he had no choice. He wanted what I have now - not the pain, but Life.
So I will add Rod Stewart to the list of things I can't listen to anymore - Bach, a lot of Mozart, Rachmaninov, Steve Miller Band, Ry Cooder, the Woodstock Album (OK, I'm old), Janis Joplin, Crowded House etc etc etc etc etc The list goes on and on. The power of music to completely steamroller me now............
Heyho.
Another lesson in grief.
Little Jen
