That is the question or will be this week for our elected representatives.
I now fall squarely into the category of people that the proposed legislation is intended to apply to. Two weeks ago my palliative chemotherapy was stopped. The drugs did not work and my cancer has continued to spread. I now have ten lesions in my liver. These are the most active of my cancers. There has been some increase in both my lungs and the lesions in my lymph nodes and bowel are stable. It would appear that my original cancer, the small bowel lesion, was contained by this springs course of radiotherapy, but not before it had sent out colonising forces to the four corners of my body.
And now, I also have cancer in my bones! Identified in my right humerus, pelvic girdle and sacrum. I have a total of 9 discrete cancer locations, with perhaps a tenth on its way. This week, I have developed quite severe pain in my left elbow. I don’t know if this is muscular, nerve or the cancer finally giving me some symptoms. An x-ray showed nothing conclusive and further scans have been requested. The pain is enough to keep me awake and a good dose of codeine and malted Scottish mineral water is needed to get me off to sleep!
Prior to each chemo cycle, I have a blood test. These are checked to see if I am ‘well’ enough to be poisoned. They are also checked for various ‘indicators’ and one of these is called ‘CEA tumour marker’. A CEA reading of over 2.9 may indicate cancer, my reading came in at over 800. So, an early CT scan was organised followed by a face to face with the consultant oncologist. We met the consultant in what we have now named ‘The room of doom’. They gave us the disappointing news and their decision to stop the palliative chemotherapy. I have a number of side-effects from the treatment and these have got markedly worse as the cycles have progressed.
The consultant did describe another form of palliative treatment and, also, said that they were doubtful that this would work. My rare, hard-arse signet ring cancer cells would probably ignore this in much the same way as they have ignored the two previous chemotherapies.
The oncology team have referred me to St Margarets Hospice and one of their nurses has already visited for an initial conversation. The oncologist’s prognosis was that I had ‘months’ and that it will be liver failure that kills me. Apparently, I will probably get more fatigued, loose my appetite and fade out. Which sounds somewhat better than the horror show that they have previously described should it be rampant bowel cancer symptoms that kill me. Bizarrely, this sounded, almost, like good news! The hospice nurse thought that I would probably get some OK months; as the chemo side effects reduce and before the cancer takes me down.
But now, the arm pain? Is this cancer or have I picked up a muscle or nerve injury?
So, terminal diagnosis, no further treatment options and months to live. How do I feel about a change in the law that would give me the legal right to end my own life? Obviously, this legislation, if passed, is unlikely to affect me as the parliamentary process will exceed my life span.
This is, I think, a really hard question.
Now, I don’t want a long, drawn out and painful death. I have discussed with the hospice a legally binding document that will preclude me being resuscitated should I go into cardiac failure. They will produce this and I can keep it with me and ensure that family and close friends are aware – they can make the paramedics a cup of tea and have a chat rather than shock me back into existence. If I am fading away and there is a fair amount of pain, then I would like some decent drugs to take the edge off. But do I want to actually consciously flip the switch and end my life? I am really not sure on this at all.
And I do appreciate the ‘slippery slope’ argument and the fear that some people may feel a conscious or even self-inflicted pressure to die, so that they are no longer a ‘burden’.
I do appreciate that I have previously described our politicians as numpties. A category of human that I have inhabited on too many occasions! I do feel lucky to live in a country where we can elect our leaders without coercion, and I don’t envy them having to make this decision. How would I vote if I were an MP?
I simply don’t know.
Right now, what I would like is for my arm to stop hurting, to have a few months of OK health and then to be supported through my death with sufficient pain relief to make it bearable and enough practical support so that I can die at home. Preferably while watching the birds in the garden and with those that I love nearby.
To our politicians, I would like to say, vote for what you think is right. I won’t judge you either way and I don’t envy you this decision.
(28th November 2024)
