Dear Husband, I will be there for you, every step of the way, right by your side.

Caring for someone with cancer is utterly exhausting. Caring for someone I love with all my heart is exhausting yes, but also such a privilege. Every minute of my waking day now is focused on getting everything right - the meds, the food, the rest, the moving about, the sleep, the social interaction, the just about everything. I have no idea how I get through each day. I'm not even on auto pilot but I am managing to get…

Still at the hospice. Still anxious. Still exhausted. Still dead inside. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I'm already grieving I know but this is a terrible life I'm leading. Week three began with hubby picking up enough for the team to begin to make plans to go home. It was a high risk strategy of course but we all needed something to work towards. Hubby said very little about it and didn't show any excitement…

With a packed church and many good people around me I got through the farewell service. How I did I will never know. Our three sons were simply amazing . Their dad would have been so proud. My husband said I would find the strength from somewhere and as always he was right. But how my heart grieves for him now.

July 12th seems like many years away now - looking back down a long dark tunnel. I have no idea how I got through that time and am still physically in one piece. I think the initial body blow of my dearest man's passing has subsided. What I am left with is a series of muddled up thoughts that invade my head and occupy my every single waking minute. And of course I'm left with virtually no energy either.

I'm functioning…

We had an appointment today with Mr ENT. I wasn't overly concerned either as H has continued to progress each week and with little sign of any set backs. So it was ok sitting in the waiting room and my stomach managed to behave itself. It normally turns and churns and adds a feeling of nausea to it just to make it interesting but today it was well behaved.

Mr ENT had a good grope around H's neck and a good rummage…