Hoping I have done this right, and it should appear in my Blog for Davids_cancer_Story.
Thank you to James Burnettfor helping to point me in the right direction and get my blog. I couldn't even remember exactly what I had called it.
Because I did this blog already, I am going to be brave and try and do 2 blog posts. Fingers crossed.
So last Tuesday David's headache was worse and they increased his steroids and the following day he was feeling tons better to the point that on Sunday he had gammon for dinner on Sunday and smoked salmon on Monday.
This week on Monday he was bright and with it, Tuesday I arrived and he had deteriorated and developed a cough overnight. When I went back in the evening he started being sick and bringing up flem . His voice was also very weak.
Wednesday I went in early to catch the doctor, she said that he was having difficulty swallowing tablets so they were going to set-up a driver and are giving him some stuff to help him feel relaxed. He did seem to perk up a bit in the afternoon and his voice was stronger.
Thursday he seems to have deteriorated further this morning, his voice is weak, and his co-ordination is all over the place. I came home for the afternoon, and went back in the evening and he has deteriorated further. I am unable to stay with him because the kids aren't allowed to stay. My sister and her hubby and my mum are all away this week, I have told hubby that he is supposed to be good this week, and isn't supposed to do this until next week.
People keep saying "oh I think you are marvellous the way you are coping". But I'm not coping. I am not strong. I am hurting inside!
The way I have always dealt with problems is to bottle everything up inside, and not show how I am feeling. I keep smiling and trying to keep going as though nothing is happening, because then anything will be alright, and just maybe it won't really be happening. While hubby was "with it" it was easy to pretend everything was okay because he looked okay, he didn't look that ill.
But now, now he looks poorly, now he looks like it could be anytime soon. Now it looks like he won't make the weekend, let alone another week.
And I know he won't get better, he can't get better. He is only going to get worse, and I keep hoping that he will die sooner so that it isn't prolonged and we can all move on to the stage of grieving. We are ready, we have lost him now, he just lays in the bed and moans at the slightest noise. He tells me to go away when I try to hold his hand, he doesn't want me anymore.
Tonight I have had a good cry, and feel so much better for it.
