Well here goes again, I am in my usual confused state and not ready to sleep right now. More random thoughts - not so much flowing through my mind but more chasing each other around - bit like a cat and dog fight, plenty of noise but none knows what to do when one of them gets cornered, so the cycle continues - so maybe time to separate them ?
Need to get my thoughts down on paper and see if they are just my insane ramblings or maybe the have some logic and substance to them, still wondering where this will lead !
Sometimes its just the most simple of questions that trigger the deepest thoughts, not sure how it works for you ? OK so someone new to the site who is now in that dark lonely place so many of us have been in asks the innocent question 'Why Me !' and that should be valid question, especially on here, but how do you respond when someone is scared and hurting ?
Maybe its a missing gene, a damaged chromosome, a freak of nature or even a question of abusing our bodies at some time in our life, drink, tobacco, lack of exercise - but in most cases we will never know. I should explain that I do not want to hurt or offend anyone - but my concept of God does not include any organised religious group. I do believe we are part of something so much great than us that we may not be able to understand the concept of - so do not believe cancer is a curse visited on for our previous sins.
There does not seem to rhyme or reason in most cases. Maybe the real answer is because it is ! If it was not me it could be someone I love and if has to be anyone - I want it to be me and not them !
Seems odd now but I always wanted to have children - but it never happened, we got close a few times - but again nature seems to know when things are going wrong and steps in - maybe that is the kindest way - but still have mixed feelings about that thought.
But its funny how life maybe deals you the right cards - but you only find out so many years later. Now its almost a sense of relief to not have children to worry about causing pain to when the time comes - think maybe thats the worst aspect of Cancer - we know we will hurt the ones we love the most and desert them, leaving them to cope alone after having causing pain, possibly over a prolonged period.
Still not too clear about what I am trying to say here - maybe I am back on my hobby horse - the real question may not be 'Why Me!' but 'Why My Carers!' To my mind the worst aspect of cancer is not that some of us are robbed of what should be our golden years - when we reap the rewards of a long working life and sit back to enjoy a hobby or maybe go on that holiday we always promised ourselves. I do understand Cancer is no respecter of age and does strike those who should have their whole life in front of them, to raise their children and enjoy their Grand Children and I am not ignoring them.
But the people who suffer the most are not the Patients - we may suffer temporary pain, sickness and grief - but we are each an individual. In the vast majority of cases there will be several people who suffer as much as us and walk beside us on our journey. Our Partners, maybe Parents, Children, family members and even friends and lovers. The very people we need to protect - but then, when they have walked every step with us, we leave them to the rest of the journey alone.
We leave them to cope alone, in so many cases they see the end as something they may have to live with for ever - OK the Pain does reduce in time - but it hurts to think that because it is now our time we cause them further pain - and cannot be there for them. We all have an alloted time, some get short changed - some enjoy a longer span and I would never begrudge anyone that.
When its my time - Which I am determined is still several years away !! - I do not want tears, Flowers or grief - I need my Friends to celebrate my life - not morn my death - as long as I am in their Memory then I am with them !!
What we need more than anything is for friends to support our carers. Some will be left alone, on a reduced pension, a single person in a world of couples - and this is the thanks they get them for devoting their lives to us. So no tears for those who have gone, they won't be of help to us by then. But maybe a phone call, an invite for coffee, drop in and see how they are or even just remember them on their Birthday and at Christmas with a Card and few kind thoughts. On the practical side the other thing you could do is when the time is right - see if you can help sort the bits and pieces our for the charity shops - you can more ruthless in the clear out than our carers may be !!
So not quite sure how I managed to end up saying this - pretty sure it was not in my mind when I started ! - Maybe my sub-conscious was just trying reminding me !!!
We can never say Thank You enough to Our Friends and Carers, So please remember them in your thoughts at night - Bit late now I know but I hope I have prompted one or two of you to ring someone tomorrow, someone that you may of lost touch with or even just make sure they are on the Christmas card list.
You still have time to write that hand written note to go with the card - just tell them you are thinking of them please ?
Love and hugs to all - but especially the Carers out there !
John xx
