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My story started on 10th May 2007 when I was told that I probably had about 2 years left to live. It was also the day I found out what life is all about.
To my Family and Friends: Please accept my sincere apologies for anything I say in this Biography or on any threads that my cause upset. Everything said is from the heart, as I see and feel it at any given time.
I am a 51 year old mother of two beautiful boys and have the most wonderful husband in the world. I was diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer in May 2007. Started treatment in August 2007 (Chemoradiotherapy for 3 months) and am now playing the waiting game.
This is the second time I have had cancer. I had breast cancer in Dec 2000. Had 6 months of chemo , a mastectomy and 1 month of radiotherapy. I was very lucky, recovered very quickly and went back to work. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky this time as the chemo has left me with hearing and mobility problems and I have had to give up work. Not a good thing, as it gives me to much time to dwell on things and feel sorry for myself - and my children. They are not young (20 and 16) but I still worry so about who can possibly look after them as well as me - nobody can possibly know them as well as me, and, if I was not here, who would give them a cuddle and tell them how wonderful they are? I want to be possitive and put up a good fight. I want to see my sons graduate - the eldest in July 2010. I want to see the Olympics in London in 2012, I want to go to Sydney with the family in 2010. My youngest son starts college this year, and I want to be there for him, in all the little ways that a mother can. I want to be a wife and lover to my husband, to be able to make him feel so loved - which he is - but I am no longer able to show him this. Starting to feel sorry for myself - must stop this.
Look on the bright side, it has certainly given me a new lease of life. I look at things so differently. I appreciate every morning ray of sun every bird, every beautiful flower, every lovely smell. I look at the world that we have been given, and give praise for it. Before my diagnosis I never had the time to notice all these things. I do now, and Im very grateful. THANKYOU WORLD FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME. (but let me have a little bit more time please)
Update July 2008.
Now feelling so much better, probably because I can now eat without any pain. Still have a big problem with walking and a lot of water retention - especially in my legs and ankles. I think this is a result of the chemo. My energy levels have increased to 50% which is a good feeling. Family all doing well - and putting up with my moods (and sometimes tantrums). I think this whole thing has made me very selfish. My lovely husband had a summerhouse built for me. I can now sit in it for hours, reading or painting and its wonderful to do my meditation in. Its surrounded by countryside and has lovely views of the Mendip Hills.
Spending the summer tending my lovely garden - which has never looked so good.
Still have this constent fear in the back of my mind - time is ticking away and I want to freeze it. Makes me think of one of my fav films - 'Groundhog Day'. (but which day would I choose? I have so many good ones.)
Update 1st Sept 2008
Feeling quite well. Still have painful knees and a strange feeling at the top of my throat but no trouble in swallowing. Water retention and swollen legs seem to have improved - must have been the warm summer weather causing it.
Update 17th Sept 2008.
Feeling a bit miserable due to a cold virus - sore throat and blocked nose - for the past 2 days, but just starting to get over it.
Have a growing urge to find my roots but this has just frustrated me because I hardly even know my own Mother (I know who she is - but her life and family are shrouded in uncertainty) and cant trace my family tree back more that 2 generation and I have not seen my father since I was about 4 years old. Mother remarried and I have 2 sisters and 2 half brothers. Not seen my half brothers since I was 16 (they would have been about 7 and 9) when my Mothers second marriage failed. My eldest sister I am still in contact with, and she phones me and visits when she can (lives a long way away). Youngest sister only lives about 20 miles away but makes no effort to contact me, let alone visit me. Thats the way of our family. Due to Mothers failed marriages we were all left to fend for ourselves from a very early age. I would never say that I had a bad childhood (very poor, but never bad) but there was never any love and affection shown towards the children. I think this was due to the way my mother was brought up. She and her sisters were sent to boarding school from a very early age. The one good thing that has come of this is that I have made sure that I do not make the same mistakes. I have alway made my husaband and my children my life and they know just how precious they are to me and how proud I am of the way they have turned out to be kind, caring and considerate human beings, and I hope that in turn they will grow up knowing what it is to be loved and be able to pass that love on to the next generation. Everything I am today I owe to my husband Paul and his mother and father. He took me into his family and showed me what a good loving family life should be like. (even though they were themselves seperated)
Did I say I was shown no love and affection. Let me correct that. Mother had a great love for us all, but had difficulty in showing it most of the time, due to hardships she faced in bring us up on a less than breadline budget. I do remember one time. I was 16 and very ill with Gladular Fever. Mother thought I might die. I slept for most of the day and night for about a month, but will always remember waking up, dont know what time of night it was, but Mother was there, just sitting in a chair in my room. So Yes Mum, I do know how much you loved us all.
Update.1st November 2008
Still feeling quite well. (touch wood) No problems with swallowing. Sometimes have a heavy pain in the chest and always have a very tender spot on my spine, just between the shoulder blades. Finding it hard to hold my weight steady, mainly due to lack of activity, comfort eating and water retention. I do try my hardest to walk between 2 and 4 miles a day during the week, but sometimes I find this very painful on my knees and ankles. I'm also getting quite a lot of aches and swollen glands on both sides of my neck. Next appointment with the consultant is 10th December.
Update 7th November2008: Whoops, I spoke to soon. Legs are really bad now. Cant do my walking, and that is very depressing. Im fine whilst sitting in bed, but within 2 mins of standing, they start to swell, and are so uncomfortable...............Yes...........quite misserable at the moment.
Update 28th November2008
I now feel to ill to do anything but sit in bed or on the settee. Doc took some blood last week and told me my white count is low and they need to check it again in a week, which was Tuesday 25th....no results received yet. No news is good news, I hope.
Have developed a nasty cold virus. Christmas is coming and I want sooooo much to do the preperation but in reality I now have to sit back and watch and just hope that all the family gets the Christmas they want. In general, just feeling pretty damned low and miserable and trying to fight of the depression. I think I need tablets, but too afraid to ask. Went into kitchen to tidy up a bit, started doing the dishes, then got really angry at why I should still be cleaning other peoples mess. Flipped out big time, all on my own, smashed the cups and plates, and generally chucked things around the kitchen, water and coffee everywhere.....a really big mess. Sat down and had a cup of coffee. O sod it, I think I've lost my mind!.
Update 29th December 2008
December has been a really horrid month. Im going in and out of depression. My rib broke on 14th December (dont know how). Now it wont heal due to the radio therapy. Oncology did warn me this might happen but said it was worth the risk. Im not so sure they're right. It hurts like hell most of the time and made my quality of life drop to a near unacceptable standard. Cant do anything for myself and Im so scared and so miserable. Waiting for an appointment to have a bone scan. Im now reduced to sleeping on the settee every night because I cant stand the pain when I lie in bed and every time my husband moves. Broke 2 more ribs on 26th December. Doctor has insisted I sleep in the bed, and not on the sofa.....so now I'm confined to bed, with loads of pillows and duvets put under the matteress to raise it so that I dont have to lie flat.....and my poor husband has been relegated to the sofa.
Update 5th February 2009
Ribs feeling MUCH better. Over the past few weeks my energy level has improved hugely and so has my mood. Went to docs yesterday because I have been feeling increasingly dizzy. Doc says I have a type of vertigo (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo). He did a type of physio on me, which made me feel even worse, then told me I have to sleep at a 90 degrees angle for 2 days (not easy) and not to bend over for about a week.....that should clear it.....we'll see!. Also my right eye went red. Ran to the optician who checked it out and said they could not see anything obvious and I should see my doc. Doc gave me eyedrops and told me that the blood vessels in the eye were heamoraging but he doesn't know why. Now Im waiting for a blood test next week which may tell me why my eye is heamoraging.
Also waiting for my bone density scan on 10th Feb.
Did a Reiki One Attunement which has been of great help to me, physically, metally and spiritually.....so much so that I have now booked for my Reiki Two Attunement the first week of march........And a wonderful tour of Northern India and Nepal starting 20th March........but all is hanging on getting a good result from my bone scan on 10th Feb. AND STAYING WELL!!
Update 17th March 2009
Did my Reiki Two course.......Brillant, enlightening and uplifting.
Had my Bone scan results back.....unfortunately I have Osteoporosis and need to have an introvenus infusion of some sort of Acid to help strengthen my bone density. But from what I've read this can have some very nasty side effects so Im still trying to decide weather or not to have the treatment. I have a few weeks to make up my mind.
Also, went to see a neorologist who said that I need to have a brain scan because I've been suffering with loss of balance lately......waiting for this appointment to come through.
Tomorrow I finish my last Gym session..........Hooray.......I've had 3 weeks of hell trying to bring my fittness and energy levels up for my holiday. Now all the hard work is over and Im flying out to India on Friday 20th March for a 17 day trek of Northern India and Nepal....including a 2 day tiger safari......which Im really looking forward to. Not looking forward to the heat and the Mosquitos.
to be continued...........
Updatge 9th April 2009
Just got back from the most glorious holiday I could ever imagine, and apart from 2 days of Delhi Belly and Jet Lag when we returned, I've not felt this good in a least 2 years. I find that I'm actually looking forward to the fast approaching summer. A summer that a few months ago, I thought I would never see.
My mum phoned today to say they are taking her into hospital today as they think something is putting pressure on her bladder and lower spine; Dear Mum has NHL (ALL). Had one course of chemo 2 years ago and started a second course of chemo just last week.......I'm praying that the doctors can sort out whatever the problem is so that she does not have to stop her course of chemo as she really needs it.
Had an an attempted break-in at home last night.......thankfully they did not get in but it still leave you feeling a bit shaken and upset.
to be continued...............
26th April 2009:
I'v made my decission. I'm not going to have the acid infusion which is supposed to help my Osteoporosis. Instead, I told my doctor that I want to try the herbal and excercise route and, if I'm still here in a year, then I will have another bone density scan and if my bones were still getting worse then I would think again about taking the chemical route. No results from my brain scan yet, but no news is good news, so I'm not phoning my GP to chase the results.
Mum is having the third dose of chemo tomorrow, which means 5 to 6 hours in the hospital for her (and me, as I will stay with her). I am going to give her some Reiki treatment whilst she is having her chemo. I hope it all goes well for her and she does'nt feel to rotten over the next week.
to be continued.......
Update 16th June 2009......
About time for an update.
I mustn't complain. I've actually been feeling verly well lately, with my energy levels at about 70%. which is good for me. My swallowing is a bit uncomfortable at times, specially at the top of my throat, my chest feels heavy and a bit painful at times, and my tinitus (ringing in the ears) is definately getting LOUDER which makes dropping of to sleep very hard. Had a blood test last week which showed my Vitiman D is low and my potassium level is very high...so I've got to lay off the bananas, and get MORE sun.......which shouldn't be difficult with the summer ahead of me.
Mum had her fifth dose of chemo and is due for her sixth, and hopefully last, on 23rd of June. She's doing very well.
23rd June 2009.........................This is my 25th wedding anniversary!!!!!!
26th June 2009...... Going for a weeks holiday in Cyprus next Friday, 3rd to 10th July. Never been there before so we are both looking forward to it. Kids not joining us as they have both independently organised their own holidays with friends.
11th July 2009......Back from Cyprus... It was lovely, but far to hot and humid. My eyesight and balance seems to have been affected, probably from a 4 hour deep sea fishing trip I did. If it does not correct itself, I'll have to go to my GP.
Update......29th August 2009.
Still going strong........ Had a very good August. One great night out with Status Quo, a few good days out with friends, and one week in the Lake District, which was a mixed bag of good and bad. Trying my hardest to stay as fit as possible but still running a bit overweight (about one stone)........mainly due to to much chocolate and alcohol.
Finally managed to finish two paintings and intend to start on a new one next week.
Update...... 5th November 2009
September and October just flown by without me noticing. Had lots of good weekends .....thanks to joining the National Trust. Best places were Norfolk, Stourhead and Brownsea Island. The weather has been wonderful, which added to the enjoyment. Still stuck on my third painting which is a view of a small Napalese village on a hillside. Finding it very hard and not anywhere near happy with it yet. Went to see a Led Zep tribute band in Glastonbury and had a fab night......they were brill.
Finished October on a good note, which was my sons 18th birthday.
Now into November. Tonight it Bomfire Night, but no fireworks for me I afraid. I'll just have to watch everyone elses out of my window.
Looking forward to Carnival night next Friday.
Health isn't to bad. Feeling very tired and lathargic this last week, and I get a bit of pain in my throat and in my ribs if I move around to quickly. But apart from that, I seem fine.
Had to delay my intended trip to Sydney at Christmas as the cost of air fare is just to expensive at that time of year. We now intend to go in March 2010, but thats too far ahead for me to think about just now.
Just booked for 4 days in Berlin from 5th December to see the Christmas Markets, Brandenburg Gate ect........so thats given me something to look forward to.........................................to be continued........
