Good morning. I am writing this blog whilst watching one of many history programmes that I enjoy but A get's sick of watching ;)
It is 7.52 on a Sunday morning and I have just taken lots of pain meds and whilst I wait for them to kick in I thought I would bring you up to speed. It is a long one I warn you now.
Over the past couple of days I have received many little and large gifts of beautiful flowers, slippers, socks, colouring books, colouring pens, fabulous nappy wraps (don't ask) and lots of thoughtful goodies to help me cope physically and mentally with the chemotherapy. Many of these gifts (in fact most) came from some very special friends I have made over Facebook the past 5 years. I am (was) doing an OU degree and have met some lovely people through it, we have been each others support through the procrastination and deadlines. I also joined a group full of other ladies due to have babies the same time as I had the twins and we became fast friends and they have been amazing support during the past two years. They are fantastic. You are all fantastic, you need to know this.
I had thought our daughter (4) had digested little of what we had told her, sitting on the sofa on Wednesday night she proved me wrong. She was sat next to me playing on my kindle, it has games on she loves, I asked what she was doing, she replied 'drawing a picture, guess who it is?'. I said 'you?' she replied 'no it is you because I don't want to lose you'. Simply just like I was completely side swiped by a 4 year old. I had been doing relatively well, I had only cried a little earlier that day when A and I had been talking funerals, life policies and music for funerals. But this little girl had me sobbing. I hugged her tight and said 'even if I have to go I will always be here' and I pointed to her heart, 'and in here' and I pointed to her head. I am welling up even typing this.
It gave me the impetus to wake up on Thursday morning for chemotherapy and think 'I can do this'. Turns out I didn't need to. Well not that day anyway, hospital called as they needed the bed. Damn. All fired up and no place to go. But it was okay as I could still go in tomorrow. Cue quick panic to rearrange childcare as we had arranged for the children to be looked after so A could come with me so I wouldn't be on my own for the first time. Again my beautiful friend stepped in.
The rest of the day was spent being a regular family, playing, bickering, eating, cuddling, watching telly and going to bed.
We sat down to have breakfast ready for an early start for chemo on Friday morning when A suddenly realised he couldn't find his phone. We carried on. He looked in the garage. The realisation hit that other things were missing. During the night someone, some undesirable unknown, had evidently been in our house and taken several things. How can people do this? They took a bike, a laptop, a kindle, a phone but also my wedding rings and my bag packed for hospital with my lovely gifts. Utter scum. You have succeeded in kicking a family down when it is already as low as it can be. Gutted is not the word. I was so upset. These people had kindly sent me things and here I was losing it before I had even began to use them. Not to mention my wedding ring signifying almost 20 years of sticking together, through thick and thin. I hate you.
So....we had a mad rush to get out and drop the kids off and get to chemo before it really sank in.
At the hospital I had my first sight of the therapy room. Not really my idea of therapy, a collection of chairs and drip stands with a radio on. Suddenly I was scared and feeling uncooperative. I wanted to walk out. I didn't because I have to much to lose but I wanted to. After quite a bit of preliminary form filling, reiterating side effects etc etc (I have to be very careful of infection, not quite sure how I am going to do this with four children but hey) we began.
I sat down with A and they put my first bag up, saline which after an hour and half they handed me some sickness meds. Chemotherapy takes ages, who knew? You have a bag of saline for 2 hours, first drug for half an hour then quick flush and second drug for a further hour then finish with another two bag of saline and potassium. I was having Gemcitabine and Cisplatin. Apart from the Gemcitabine being a little ouchy it was thankfully rather uneventful. I even chatter with my fellow cancer sufferers and the hospital kindly fed me at lunch time. I was sent on my way with mouthwash, steroids, anti sickness and warnings about eating soft cheese and take aways (sob)
Desperately wanting to relax we couldn't as we had to call the police out again and give a statement. So we had fish and chips (relatively safe, I checked) because it was late and hey can't a girl have a little something she likes? and gave our statement. The boys also cried a lot because they wanted my milk. So hard to listen to them breaking their hearts when I really wanted to stop it by feeding them but couldn't provide that basic comfort. More lovely things arrived too, flowers and natural queasy remedies from family and friends. Wonderful people I wouldn't be without. The majority of humankind are good. I know.
I ended the day settled down on the sofa with the pain creeping in, my trusty hot water bottle and sick bucket just in case.
Speak soon xxx
