Here I am still trying to find my way round this new site....just another thing to struggle with through this journey ....not a happy post Im afraid, so dont mind if you dont read it. Dave has gone backwards with his depression.
The month started off ok, Dave had a few really good days.....he was more interested in things and has done a bit of cooking too...he makes lovely pies and his curries are just mmmmmmmmm!!
We now have a caravan fridge that works again, and I might add is still in one piece in the van ....just. We also have new security lights fitted front and back of the house. Oh and he fixed our water feature, the pump had broken and we have tried for months and months to get the same pump without any joy. So now we have a new pump and he added new lights too...It looks fantastic. He is rather clever with making things and I couldnt praise him enough, it also lifted his mood to the point that I had My David back for a while.
We have a new member to the family too....no, not a dog (phew , big sigh as hands pressed together in an upward position while mouthing the words "thank you"), we have a great-nephew, 8lb 10oz . . ouch that must have hurt . .he is the first boy born for quite a while to carry on the family name so lots of joy there.
Now he is back to sitting at the end of the settee all day watching t.v .....not even watching the box really, just going off into space while looking as if he is watching t.v.
What happened you ask.....what didnt bloody happen.
If you have got this far I will explain briefly for those that dont know....Dave is 2yrs post treatment but has been off work again now for 6-8 months with chronic depression....He is on tablets and was having counselling. Cat (his counsellor) was working very hard to help him and he did seem to be coming towards the light at the end of the tunnel.... Lots of talking and tears and late nights, but I was happy to sit with him and listen....he told me things that I never knew about him, sad things in his childhood and how the "C" had made him feel worthless and not the man I fell in love with and married. (To be honest that part has been said many times). My heart has cried so many times for my man, why cant I make him better ? ?
Cat said she needed to refer him to the mental health team at the hospital as he seemed to have gone backwards with his mood....so now a new path to walk had started, and his counselling had to stop because its different departments or some sh*te.
His first appointment was cancelled after waiting 30mins as they never had the staff to see him. His next appointment was an assessment and he had to draw the shapes he could see, what was his name, do you know where you are..that sort of thing. Well he came out of there like a man possessed and so frigging angry. I tried to explain its the way they assess people but he wasn't listening.....needless to say we had a bad night which continued for nearly a week.
His 2nd appointment was going much the same way but this time he came away with more anti-depressents and to return in 2 weeks.
3rd appointment and they have upped the pills to be reviewed in 4 weeks. No appointment date this time.
His mood is pushing a wedge between us...I dont want to listen to his moans and he doesnt want to look at my miserable face. Im really struggling to be upbeat all the time but the walls are wearing thing, the cracks are begining to appear. Yesterday I was so low myself that I just wanted to run away...I didnt of course. I feel so bloody angry and let down and I know Dave is feeling the same, he is so angry at everything.
His brother took him out for a couple of hours yesterday and after a good cry I got on the phone to the mental health idiots. I explained that he is due back around the 20th but hasnt got an appointment date... I also voiced my anger that I felt they have neglected him, upping his pills with no other support was not what we expected. I was put through to the duty staff. . .1 up from the receptionist I think....and was told that the "STUDENT" Dr,...a bloody student..., was off till Monday but would get him to ring with a time and date. I ranted " not good enough, what exactly is the roll of your team?, how do you intend to help my husband because at this moment in time I feel you have done nothing except up his medication? what is the next step? Her reply was "if they feel he is coping ok on the medication they will discharge him"......... WHAT !!!!!!!!!!! What about counselling ...."oh no, we have no counselling".....so Daves appointments with Cat have stopped because he cant see both departments at the same time, mental health team are only interested in him if he wants to harm himself or others so give out pills to calm.....what about me, because I want to go and smash someones face in right now.........what a bloody nightmare, a shambles, back to square one. I explained that since his counselling had stopped he has gone backwards and her reply was "if he chooses to discharge himself", which he can, "because he feels counselling would be more beneficial to him then he would need to be refered again by his GP". OMG, Im at the end of my tether, Im bashing my head up against a brick wall yet again.
I then rang the counsellor, the receptionist was (very helpful indeed) very understanding and said that the quickest way to get Dave back with them would be to see GP asap and get him to write directly to them, they could then get him back on their list but would still be 4-6 weeks before he would be seen, much quicker than being refered as it goes to a different office first which could take 4-6 months before Cat would get to see him.
Im so bloody fed up with it all, I cry nearly every day now, as his mood gets lower so does mine. Dont feel I have much more energy to fight anymore let downs.
After all the phone calls I sat in the garden doing a David...looking into space, not thinking anything really, just looking up at the sky.....probably hoping in my sub-concious that someone would "beam me up Scotty"....unaware tears were streaming down my face, the dogs sitting at my feet when Dave came back. I try damn hard not to cry in front of him, it upsets him so much when I cry....but I just couldnt stop today.
Im still crying as I right this. I had to tell him how his depression is affecting me too, how his low moods bring me down too, how I dont know what to do to make him come out of it, to make him better.....we strive endlessly to make the injured better, neglecting ourselves in the process, our needs and wants are put on the back burner until all is well again. I cant afford to hit the deck as My David needs me and I need him to come back to me. I dont need counselling because I know what is wrong with me..with us. I am in mourning for the old David, I want My David back the way he was, He is also mourning his old self, he wants to be back the way he was. We know that cant happen, Cancer has changed that forever, I know he isnt the same man I fell in love with and married (twice) but I need, we need.. ...we need to build on what we have, because we still have each other however hard this journey will be, we will travel it together.
And I have you lot too, which Im so thankful for xxxx
Dont worry, I will be better tomorrow or sooner :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mac Family))))))))))))))))))))
