I have some very sad news to relate today and I can hardly believe it. But my beautiful black and white Border collie dog, Flash, had to be put down due to huge growths on his prostate impinging on his bladder, and secondaries growths on his lungs making him quite unable to breathe.
I woke up this morning to him vomiting and breathing noisily and shallowly. I thought he had some kind of stomach problem. Around 12.00 midday I heard him start to breathe in short gasps. I know that dogs do this when they are in pain anyway. I had called the animal hospital at 11.00 a.m. and they said, bring him in in the next couple of hours. So I tried to drive him to the hospital but could not get him into the car - he couldn't get up or walk.
Then, I called the vet ambulance. I called some neighbours. Suddenly all sorts of people were coming in and going out of the house. Someone made me a cup of tea. I drank it hardly knowing what I was tasting. I begged Flash to stay with me, I prayed by his side. The breathing was really making me cry.
Eventually the ambulance arrived - a people carrier with two drivers. I got in again hardly knowing what I was doing. We drove to the hospital. The vet ambulance drivers gave me pear drops. When we got to the hospital, again Flash tried to get up but couldn't. They strapped him on to a trolley and wheeled him in. I sat and waited in a corridor for the X-ray results. The lady driver waited with me. We didn't wait long. It seemed only five minutes between my signing for the X-rays and when the vet came out to fetch me into the consulting room. He said it wasn't good news, showed me some X-rays. HIs lungs were riddled with growths which they thought were secondary cancer, he was finding it harder to breathe by the minute and his tongue and gums were purple. Even the oxygen wasn't working. It was so hard to take in.
I don't know how to say this but I signed the papers for him to be euthanised. They said it was the kindest thing for him. I can't believe I have done it but I have done it. I also can't believe why I am writing this but I am writing it.
My mum went the same way and I feel numb. She was suddenly taken ill, went into hospital and never came out. Except in her case at least she lasted five more days.
The cancer which animals, particularly dogs, suffer, is very rarely spoken about.
Two people, or one person and one animal, my Mum and my dog, have gone and I do not see very much point at this moment in time in carrying on without them.
Again, as with my Mum, there is no one to come round and see me, or be with me. It is so lonely. My mother's family who cut me off after she died, will be delighted, they hated my dog. They said being near him was against their religion. But maybe that was just an excuse.
After Mum went, I ran round after a lot of people asking them to come round or if not, for me to go to them, I went round but got precious little real support or empathy. Now, I know I must not do that. I have learned my lesson about going amongst non-friends and polite strangers. But I am now completely alone. Flash and I spent Christmas together, we were each other's comfort. On my birthday, 30th Dec, we had a celebratory meal in the pub and he played with the friendly pub dog, it was great to see him socialising.
What do you do without the family dog when he has been your only company and support at home when your parents have both died and your family is gone?
His lead is still hanging on the doorknob.
It sounds unbelievable but I have to let the hospital know what to do with the body on Monday. I can't believe I have to do that.
If this all sounds horrible, i'm sorry. It's just it's the first time since my Mum died I've really been alone in the house. It really feels empty now and so pointless.
R.I.P. Flash. You are the best boy, the best dog I have ever known.
Persephone.
