15 weeks yesterday.
I thought I would blog to tell people that i am doing better. I know through the weeks I have posted some very black, low and at time despirate posts and i am greatful for those who offered their support in response, even thoughs for whom it was very distressing to read.
I am functioning more like a human again at the moment. I ncredably fragile still, and I can find myself crying all of a sudden but functioning through it. The flash of a smile as a pleasantry to people i meet in a shop ect has returned, not heartfelt but there. i think it is still sometime before any form of laughter or happiness is felt within but things are changeing even if in some ways I wish they wouldn't. I still find the question 'how are you' difficult to answer, and i can't give the expected 'fine' that is the knee jerk answer given by most people in day to day life. coping with the now is becoming the normality, but when the future pops into my head thats when it all goes wrong, and being human it just keeps popping in there.
anyway this was ment to be possitive, about how i am doing better. I am going to councilling weekly, this website helps alot and I am trying to make a point of seeing friends, nothing big, just a cuppa or a bite to eat (at one of our houses) but it is still social contact. I have made a huge leep for me next week, i've booked a hair cut, i know to some that sounds silly but I have avoided having to visit a hairdresser since before mark was diagnosed, so my hair has not been cut since April. I could not stand the hairdresser conversation, 'been anywhere nice this year', 'going anywhere nice this weekend?', 'are you working?', I have avoided my old hairdresser as if she remembers she will last have met me when i was all excited about getting married, going on honeymoon ect. Alot has changed that i don't want to talk about in a hairdressers, so i will be cold, give short answers and may seem a little rude but i will do it, another little hurdle to overcome. At least then the hair will be shorter, easier to manage and wash and dry.
I babysat for friends last night, and coped even though they insisted on a bedtime story and the the boy, aged about 6 decided to not go to sleep, playing test the babysitter. oh well, kids they are innocent and don't understand the bigger picture so you can't get upset they just need looking after. sweet really.
I think I have rambled enough for now.
Thankyou again for all those who have supported me this far, I am soo greatful. I won't promise there won't be anymore black days but I hope to post more possitive ones too.
T
