Well, I’m here again. I find myself wide awake after three hours sleep and decided to go back to my faithful old blog. The one where I poured my heart out.
I still can’t read it back but this blog gave me some sort of release when I was diagnosed, when I couldn’t talk to my family, when I didn’t want to upset them, so I am back because although I didn’t want to carry on with my blog when my treatment finished I’ve realised that I still need somewhere to write down my feelings, somewhere where my family can’t find my ramblings, that’s why I started it a year ago and that’s why I’ve decided to start again. I wish I could change the title name but I’m not that clever and also once you’ve been touched by cancer I don’t think you ever truly do get off the ride. So here we go.....
Tonight as I said, tonight I find myself wide awake after three hours sleep, not nearly enough sleep, in fact its been a week of bad sleep.
It’s a year ago today that I started Chemotherapy, I can remember that day like it was yesterday, I remember stopping off in the woods to walk my dogs on the way to the hospital feeling terrified but somehow relieved that the fight back had begun after all of the scans, biopsies and tests, then when I got to the hospital and saw the huge syringes full of this fluid and I was so scared, I knew this was it, that this ‘poison’ was going into me and there was no going back. I can remember saying to my husband “well this is it, the body I have looked after for so long is about to be spoiled forever “ and I had looked after it, I was fit, I had a very good diet, I ran, cycled, swam, and even rebounded, but hey ho, that wasn’t enough, my body had betrayed me...it let me down, big time.
So here I am a year to the day after the chemotherapy session and I feel down, I feel really down and disappointed in myself. I should be happy. I keep asking myself...
Why can’t I sleep properly?
Why do I think about cancer every day still?
Why do I pretend to everyone that I’m fine and happy?
Why can’t I admit when I’m tired?
Why do I keep trying to push myself all the time?
I don’t even know why I feel the way I do, I just know that a year I go I was broken and over the following months I got put back together, but I’m not the same any more. I will always be different now. I’m fragile. I’m trying to be be the same person I was before for my family, but it’s exhausting.
I agree with what most people say about how once you’ve been through this experience that you appreciate all of the little things in life, that the stupid irrelevant things in life don’t bother you as much anymore, yes that’s true, very true. But I’m still angry that it happened, I feel envious of people who have never been touched by cancer, because even if you are told you are cancer free, you can’t quite believe it. It has forever stolen your peace of mind. That precious precious piece of mind.
I get huge highs when I feel so bloody lucky that I am where I am, then sometimes I get the lows and feel guilty that sometimes I just don’t have the energy to be the me that I once was. I just feel so tired but because I look the same and I’m through my treatment my family and friends don’t realise that I’m tired inside. I’m weary because I don’t sleep some nights and then have to get through the day.
Maybe I need to be more honest, because if I don’t tell them then how are they supposed to know how I feel?
Over the last year I became a grandma, this has been the highlight of my year, I have met a friend for life on this site and I am due to be a grandma again next year, there really is so much to live for and to look forward to and I do have lots wonderful days, I am extremely lucky, I know that, but I get tired. I think over the last few days I’ve come to realise a huge fact, and that is that I need to stop pretending to myself that I can do everything I did before in the same way as I did. I have more aches and pains than before the treatment, my body is still recovering and I need to respect that. I just need to give myself a break and stop pretending.
I have been worrying about the next 3-4 weeks, we are traveling around visiting family and friends, I am very lucky and should be over the moon and I am in theory, I’m just worrying myself about how I’m going to cope with all of the packing, organising and driving and everything that goes with being on the move for nearly a month and being away from home, when some days I just about have the energy to get from one end of the day to the other.
Anyway I’m going to drag my aching body out of bed and make a cup of coffee and see what today brings and stop moaning hopefully!
But today is the day that I am going to stop pretending and I’m going to start to be more honest with myself. I feel better already!
Apologies to anyone who just spent their time reading my ramblings....
