broken hearted

Hi, 64flower

Sorry to hear about your troubles. And that you seem to have had no response yet. Let me tell you that there have been problems with the new website and many of us who were members before are having difficulty logging in. Normally, responses are quite quick to come.

It can be very hard to ask for help, but it is crucial to do so when we see we cannot cope for whatever reason (I am talking from experience) and I think that's what you are doing. You will no doubt receive other messages of support, probably from someone from Macmillan too.

I am not in your situation - I am the one with the cancer in our relationship but I sometimes think it might be more difficult being "the one with the one with the cancer", if you see what I mean.

PLEASE call Macmillan on their free number during their opening hours.

I've only "used" the service twice but it was the only thing that helped at the time. I couldn't talk about how I felt to my partner, family or friends. Sometimes, we need someone from the outside.

As the person with cancer, and I won't claim to have suffered what your husband is going through (cancers are all different and so are we) I can tell you that THE LAST thing I want is to push away people. Yet, my situation is such that I am sometimes struggling and tell them things they don't want to hear. Nothing like the things you mention, but for example, I have to stop them from talking about certain things to me (other people with cancer, dying, medical details not relating to themselves etc) because it hurts me. And all the time, in my need to look after myself which is currently an imperative due to increased vulnerability, I worry that I will push them away. So please call Macmillan. I suspect what needs to happen is for both you and your husband to talk to someone, separately and together. Because you both have perfectly valid needs in this situation and your relationship may need support in what is a completely new landscape.

Depending on where you are, you may have access to one of the wonderful Maggie's centres. Some of them have reopened and if you're more of a face-to-face person, they're life savers.

Please don't suffer in silence, for both your sakes. And for your girls, of course.

Good luck, flower, and let me know how you get on if you'd like.

I don't really have advice to offer, just sympathy for you both.  I am the cancer patient in my marriage and I can get cross at times although perhaps not on the sort of scale you describe.  I wonder if part of it is the thought that you will all be here after he has gone so he almost wants to push you away now so that he can be the "deserted" one?  Have you asked him whether he wants you to go or how he might feel if you did?  I'm not suggesting you do leave, although there may come a point when you have to put some distance between you in order to retain your sanity and dignity.  I am thinking of you.