hi never done this before, back in I have supported him every step of the way through this 2016 my husband of 37 years was diagnosed with bowl cancer and nodes on his lung , after op on his bowl and chemo fo don't think I would be so strong r nine months with lots of complications along the way he was transferred to hare field to have an op on the lung, again lots of complications he seemed to be on the mend, but last January he was given the news that the cancer had spread and was now not operable but they would treat with chemo to control the condition , its very hard as everyother week he has treatment, he deals with his condition amazingly don't think I would be so strong . but he gets very angry every now and again and even though I take the anger part of me shuts down , because he gets very nasty.i have always just let it go, but since covidr the outbursts have got worse and we are no longer intimate with each other.we had a holiday booked for end of august which he was insisting we go on, but I have now cancelled he is now completely out of control . I love him with all my heart but I really don't know how to help him deal with his anger, he thinks I'm having an affair which is so outrageous , but he is pushing me away and our daughters too, don't know where to turn, I love him so very much but I'm lost . I have suooprted him every step of the way from the very begin. just don't know how to deal with this any more but it breaks my heart some of the things he is saying and I know he doesn't mean it . 

  • I don't really have advice to offer, just sympathy for you both.  I am the cancer patient in my marriage and I can get cross at times although perhaps not on the sort of scale you describe.  I wonder if part of it is the thought that you will all be here after he has gone so he almost wants to push you away now so that he can be the "deserted" one?  Have you asked him whether he wants you to go or how he might feel if you did?  I'm not suggesting you do leave, although there may come a point when you have to put some distance between you in order to retain your sanity and dignity.  I am thinking of you.

  • Hi, 64flower

    Sorry to hear about your troubles. And that you seem to have had no response yet. Let me tell you that there have been problems with the new website and many of us who were members before are having difficulty logging in. Normally, responses are quite quick to come.

    It can be very hard to ask for help, but it is crucial to do so when we see we cannot cope for whatever reason (I am talking from experience) and I think that's what you are doing. You will no doubt receive other messages of support, probably from someone from Macmillan too.

    I am not in your situation - I am the one with the cancer in our relationship but I sometimes think it might be more difficult being "the one with the one with the cancer", if you see what I mean.

    PLEASE call Macmillan on their free number during their opening hours.

    0808 808 00 00
    7 days a week, 8am - 8pm

    I've only "used" the service twice but it was the only thing that helped at the time. I couldn't talk about how I felt to my partner, family or friends. Sometimes, we need someone from the outside.

    As the person with cancer, and I won't claim to have suffered what your husband is going through (cancers are all different and so are we) I can tell you that THE LAST thing I want is to push away people. Yet, my situation is such that I am sometimes struggling and tell them things they don't want to hear. Nothing like the things you mention, but for example, I have to stop them from talking about certain things to me (other people with cancer, dying, medical details not relating to themselves etc) because it hurts me. And all the time, in my need to look after myself which is currently an imperative due to increased vulnerability, I worry that I will push them away. So please call Macmillan. I suspect what needs to happen is for both you and your husband to talk to someone, separately and together. Because you both have perfectly valid needs in this situation and your relationship may need support in what is a completely new landscape.

    Depending on where you are, you may have access to one of the wonderful Maggie's centres. Some of them have reopened and if you're more of a face-to-face person, they're life savers.

    Please don't suffer in silence, for both your sakes. And for your girls, of course.

    Good luck, flower, and let me know how you get on if you'd like.