I really don’t know why I’m putting myself through all this crap.

In the beginning I was fighting to get my life back to some normality, get back to work and carry on as normal...

haha .... then I lost my job (incapability of doing my job),

Ok so maybe fate was sending me in a different direction ... these things happen for a reason. I still have my house,family and friends to live for....

Jeez now I really am laughing.. it’s true what they say about finding out who your true friends and family are when there’s a crisis to be faced...

One by one the people I thought were always gonna be part of my life have shown their true colours and disappeared out of my life, don’t get me wrong I understand that life goes on but it hurts when someone you’ve known for years, avoids you just because they don’t want to be dragged into the life of a cancer patient, they seem to think that we can’t have a conversation about the latest film release or what music craze is in the charts at the mo without it involving something about my illness .... I’M STILL ME, I still watch telly,play my music as loud as possible and eye up the sexy bloke that just walked past me in the street...IM STILL HUMAN lol.... All I can say is thank you to the few that are still around and still treat me as me, the ones that look at me and take the mickey out of my illness and go along with my really bad sick jokes, we listen to each other rant, we drink coffee galore, have a laugh, usually at each other and then life goes on as usual. These few friends and family I will cherish for the rest of my life...

But this week I found out I could lose the last thing I was fighting for and I’m not laughing so loud anymore.  MY HOUSE, that I so proudly bought 5 years ago, is going to be repossessed ... I’m off to court at the end of January to explain to a judge why my mortgage has fallen into arrears, to prove that I have been fighting cancer, to prove I’ve been in hospital having treatments to stay alive and that I’m trying to survive on benefits that don’t help pay our mortgages anymore...ironically I have no hair back yet so I have thought about walking in there with my few tufts of baby hair on show, my central line in full view and maybe one of my duck masks round my face to see if that will help with my case but...

I don’t know if I have the fight left in me anymore.... I honestly thought that putting myself through all these treatments, to be a survivor of cancer was the best way to go, to extend my life, even if it was for just a few more years... if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer I’d of been paying my mortgage till I was nearly 70 anyway... no doctor can guarantee I’ll even get to my pension age now so what the hell am I doing spending my time left on this earth fighting for something that I won’t be around to enjoy anyway...

Maybe it’s time to stop fighting and just live with what time I have left... what will be, will be