My continued battle with the never ending twists and turns of my AML. Having secondary illnesses of heart and lung problems due to chemo and the, what seems like, the forever wait of getting a SCT.
So many times I’ve logged on to write something on my blog or to ask a question on the sites and my mind goes mad with thoughts that I just cannot put into words. I read what other people are going through and I end up with all these emotions coarsing through me and I log off without writing a word. My family and friends have always said I’m the sensitive one, I like to help people, I like to show them that life is not all bad ...making people smile, seeing that big grin spread across their face as their eyes light up again with hope... now that is the best gift I can give to anyone and a gift I will continue to give for the rest of my life ....BUT
I seem to have lost the knack of doing it for myself ??
I look in the mirror and apart from the obvious side effects of chemo (my bald head being the most obvious), a few scars from the appendectomy (totally random occurrence in the middle of my chemo treatment) I look pretty much the way I did before this long journey started. My weight has stabilised, I was a walking skeleton before AML with the odd muscle here and there to prove I was still alive lol ...might have to start working on them again as they’re looking a tad deflated but hey we can’t all be perfect hehe. But I look into my eyes and they haunt me.. that sparkle they had, that let the world know who I was, seems to be fading fast and I need to get it back. It does appear sometimes, usually when I’m with other people and I’m listening to their day to day problems, the light goes on and they sparkle with all their might to put that beautiful smile on those faces, that’s when I know its still there. So why does it hide when I’m on my own?
I have given myself a right old talking to in the mirror and it seems that mirror me is going through a lot of emotions that she doesn’t understand
... Putting herself first has never been an option but now she’s having to, she feels guilty, torn between keeping everyone else happy or telling them straight that her life is more important at the mo, that their petty little niggles with life that could be so easily resolved if they just let them go.
... Anger, in all her life she’s walked away, took deep breaths and talked any problems through... now she can feel it bubbling under the surface all the time, questioning everything that used to be normal, almost starting arguments just because she wants people to hear her and understand, life ain’t fun with cancer.
... The constant doubting herself, not just her health but being able to survive. Fighting cancer is one thing, living afterwards is a completely different battle.
This is just a few, I could mention so many.
Still the fight goes on inside to resist telling people the complete truth, she was always good at softening the blow of the truth, never lying, just shaving off the sharp corners so it didn’t hurt so much... not so much now. She’s hurting and she wants others to feel that pain, to understand the whole sorry story not just the highlights.. I know that’s not like her and that’s probably why the sparkle is fading because she’s fighting the rollercoaster of emotions that were never there before cancer reared it’s ugly head.
P.s .. I am talking to a councillor so don’t panic about my mental state please lol
This definitely struck a chord with me. Recovery post-SCT can be a long road. The physical and emotional aspects were a lot harder to deal with than I had imagined. But you'll get there, one day at a time.
All the very best,
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