Is this the year of lasts......

There have been several poignant moments this year which have lead me to think it will be the last time that I will have that moment. It started actually before this year began and that was at Christmas. I usually find Christmas so difficult as I want everything to be perfect and make myself ill with worry, this time was different; we had an amazing Christmas but I wasn’t stressing and I felt really well. Between Christmas and New Year our friends   came up and again we had a fab evening as always but there was a difference I was sat having a glass of wine (or two) with my oldest and best friend something which I had not done in years as I didn’t want to have alcohol going into my body - that was the last time we would do that as I no longer dare to have a drop.

That winter was particularly hard and cold but it felt like the winters of my childhood. It was lovely to see and I felt peace sitting in the warm living room with the fire roaring and the snow covering the garden.

As the late spring arrived I watched in amazement as my lilac tree which has struggled to flower blossomed it’s little heart out - I felt it was telling me something, you may find that ridiculous but it’s as if it’s been waiting for the right time. Our beautiful rose also came out in the most amazing bloom, it was given to us by friends for our Blessing just after my cancer was diagnosed as terminal - it always puts on a good show but this has been the best year.

We went on holiday with my family and had a fabulous time from start to finish and no one especially me wanted it to end, we all spoke again of doing it again but it felt like a pipe dream to me.

Lastly the weather we are having now harks back to my childhood to summers of scorching sunshine and glorious long days something we have not had for many years. I want to make the most of those days get myself up early and fling open the patio doors and just sit and enjoy my garden, feeling that warmth of the sunshine on my skin and just being in that moment.

I don’t want this to be the year of ‘lasts’ but I am finding my body is slowly and surely giving in no matter how hard I try to remain. 

I have a constant battle of keeping going now; wanting to be here however I may be but on the other hand just stopping: allowing this thing to take its course. It is my husbands 40th on Tuesday and that is another milestone that I have lived to see however in the back of my head I wonder whether I will see my 38th which is hard to think about given it’s so near.

This is not a negative or a sad post, it is just one of reality. The daily challenge of keeping going or stopping for me is a very real one. There is so much I want to be here for and it is that realisation that keeps me from stopping but boy it’s tiring!