Living beyond what the Doctors thought with rare cancer PAWS/wild type GIST and Hodgkins Lymphoma
Is this the year of lasts......
There have been several poignant moments this year which have lead me to think it will be the last time that I will have that moment. It started actually before this year began and that was at Christmas. I usually find Christmas so difficult as I want everything to be perfect and make myself ill with worry, this time was different; we had an amazing Christmas but I wasn’t stressing and I felt really well. Between Christmas and New Year our friends came up and again we had a fab evening as always but there was a difference I was sat having a glass of wine (or two) with my oldest and best friend something which I had not done in years as I didn’t want to have alcohol going into my body - that was the last time we would do that as I no longer dare to have a drop.
That winter was particularly hard and cold but it felt like the winters of my childhood. It was lovely to see and I felt peace sitting in the warm living room with the fire roaring and the snow covering the garden.
As the late spring arrived I watched in amazement as my lilac tree which has struggled to flower blossomed it’s little heart out - I felt it was telling me something, you may find that ridiculous but it’s as if it’s been waiting for the right time. Our beautiful rose also came out in the most amazing bloom, it was given to us by friends for our Blessing just after my cancer was diagnosed as terminal - it always puts on a good show but this has been the best year.
We went on holiday with my family and had a fabulous time from start to finish and no one especially me wanted it to end, we all spoke again of doing it again but it felt like a pipe dream to me.
Lastly the weather we are having now harks back to my childhood to summers of scorching sunshine and glorious long days something we have not had for many years. I want to make the most of those days get myself up early and fling open the patio doors and just sit and enjoy my garden, feeling that warmth of the sunshine on my skin and just being in that moment.
I don’t want this to be the year of ‘lasts’ but I am finding my body is slowly and surely giving in no matter how hard I try to remain.
I have a constant battle of keeping going now; wanting to be here however I may be but on the other hand just stopping: allowing this thing to take its course. It is my husbands 40th on Tuesday and that is another milestone that I have lived to see however in the back of my head I wonder whether I will see my 38th which is hard to think about given it’s so near.
This is not a negative or a sad post, it is just one of reality. The daily challenge of keeping going or stopping for me is a very real one. There is so much I want to be here for and it is that realisation that keeps me from stopping but boy it’s tiring!
Libby these are lovely words from a beautiful heart.
Our journeys do take us on many adventures, some amazing, some less amazing but all we can do is grasp the life we have been given to live. We all have to live it as best as we can, regardless of how long that may be or how hard it can be physically.
Is this the year of lasts? who knows but it still can be the year of firsts..... you may not be able to do new things quickly, but you can still do them.
Wishing you the health, strength and perseverance to keep on keeping on and looking that all you do is full of joy and happiness.
Thank you Highlander,
Your post is truly positive and very kind. You are so right we have to live the life we’ve been given as best we can.
Perseverance that is the power word - I will take that word and keep it at the forefront of my mind. Thank you - sometimes it needs another person to show you that you’re looking at something from the wrong angle - maybe there is room in my life for ‘firsts’ rather than ‘lasts’ despite how difficult it may be.
Hi again Libby, we are looking after three of our granddaughters down in Edinburgh for a few days and their house overlooks the Pentland Hills and looking out the window this afternoon your post came to mind.
I see the cancer journey to be like a climb up a craggy Scottish hill. These hills have well trodden paths with little cairns put up by folks who have walked the paths before us. At each cairn the path divides in two - these are the points of decision..... like how we deal with side effects, the mental and physical challanges, the picking our selves up 'again' times. We do have to look very carefully at where each track will take us. Do we knuckle down and tough it out and keep climbing up or do we take the low path and keep going round the hill and possibly not reaching the summit...... not seeing that view for the first time.
But when you look at the cairns they are always just on the tracks that will lead to the top, so each stone that is put on the cairns is a "yes I can do this" decision......... keep putting the stones on the 'yes' cairn....... and every now and then have a look back down the hill and see the starting point and all the little cairns on the paths you have taken.
Very philosophical for a Friday ;)
What a beautiful post Libby8. I was so close to crying, the only thing that stopped was having my kids sat nearby. It's just so true, cancer does make life so meaningful whereby every minute counts and must be cherished. 8 months ago (feels like a life time), all was projected towards the future next job/house/pet/holiday ignoring very much what is around me. It's so important to value those moments, and if we add up all the days, then it will be years we will be enjoying. I am not very good with words, though your beautiful words have shown that cancer is battle worth fighting against. Sending BIG hugs. xx
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