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I think a blog will help me face fears, accept what’s to come and plan for what may be! It will record my thoughts, jumbled as they are, my fears, as they arise and my plans in an effort to regain control of my mind, body and life.
Oh well, my hair has all but gone! I have gone from having an extremely thick head of hair that I have always loved, to having spindly little wisps of straggly, thin, dead looking hair. My scalp shows through everywhere, although I have no actual patches, as it has come out very evenly. I am so sad, but I had resigned myself to the fact that it was going, so I am okay. I have had my wig on all day and the smile I wore was just as fake, but everyone believed it and that's what matters. I took it off half an hour ago and came down to make dinner with a scarf around my head. My husband immediately told me how beautiful I looked and it just reminded me that I am the opposite. I stood there stirring the dinner with the tears running down my cheeks, then realised that I will look like this for a long time and need to just get to grips with it. Wallowing in self pity and hating what I look like is pointless. I have to concentrate on other things like saving my life.
Sorry you are feeling miserable , you will get used to it (doesn't mean you will like it though!) I ended up not wearing anything at home and just putting my wig on when I went anywhere, my kids said I looked like I was missing a parrot on my shoulder or should have been telling fortunes on a pier somewhere when I wore scarves - so never bothered ... you will find your own comfort, a friend of mine bought me a lovely woolly hat with a furry bobble on it (was last winter I lost mine) , so look for different hats too to add another few options.
Hope your treatment goes well this week , just think you will be a quarter of the way then.
You have described very accurately how I felt. My hair loss was my worse fear, together with eyelashes, I didn't mind about my eyebrows, I'd over plucked them for years, with regards to body hair falling out, well that was a bonus. I wore my wig, which was lovely, to work, shopping, anywhere out and also at home if my grandchildren came round, I didn't want to frighten them, bless them. Anyway Jo, I finished chemo end of May and by July my hair had grown, albeit my scalp was covered. Now it's approx 2 inches and I'm so looking forward to a trim at the end of the month to tidy it up. I hated hairdressers before. Eyelashes are back too, plus the body hair I really didn't want to grow back, hahaha
Jo, all my love
Ah Jo, so sorry, it must be so hard. You will get there it's just such tough going for you and all those who are on this website.
Sending you lots of love.
Hi all, sorry to have been so miserable. I know I will get used to it. I have ordered a scarf which I swore I wouldn't wear, but the wig is so inconvenient, as I can't open the oven door or stoke the fire with it on!!! I will buy a bed cap too, so that my hubby isn't horrified in the morning! I am a big hat person anyway, so I have loads of winter hats, furry, bobble, crocheted etc etc. I love them all, so won't be stuck in the winter if I go out. I promise I will try to be less miserable. My second cycle is next week though, so I don't hold out much hope! Lol, xxx
Ah John you have just described exactly how I an feeling...mine started coming out last week and my hubby shaved the last of it off Friday night while the tears ran down my face. I am heading in for my round 2 of chemo later today. I don't have a wig yet so I'm still trying to experiment with scarves. I too am a massive hat lover so winter hats won't be a problem...it's just finding something until the winter kicks in! Massive good luck for your next round xx
Thanks Ali, my next round is on Wednesday and Thursday. It is so hard as I am desperate for them to get it into me, but I dread the sickness again! At least I know that the hospital stays ere down to bugs and not the chemo, so at least I should avoid tha again!
When I lost my hair my son said I looked like GI Jane lol I wish.
When it was time to shave it off I sat in the garden while my partner shaved it off. I was ok but he cried.
The squirrel ran off with the hair for his nest no doubt. Bloody cheek.
It seemed strange not to buy shampoo or conditioner or book my regular haircut.
It won't be for ever ladies. It will soon grow back probably a different colour and possibly curly.
Mine came back steel grey!!! Yuk. Couldn't wait to get it dyed.
All the best Jo
I thought of this poem about 4 weeks after my hair had fallen out, strangely enough it was while I was in the shower washing my scalp!
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
I thought I wouldn't miss it much,
I thought I wouldn't care.
I'd always worn it short you see,
'til chemo took my hair.
I know I must accept
For I know it has to be,
But the bald woman in the mirror
Just really isn't me.
My hair was short, a stylish crop
With a salt and pepper hue.
More boy than girl and that's a fact
They should have named me 'Sue'!
'You have the right shaped head' they said,
'It'll suit you Han, it will.'
I'm sorry but I don't agree
And the baldness irks me still.
I promise when it grows again
Right from the very start,
I'll never cut it - ever!
On that I cross my heart.
So to all you hairy buggers
With your curls and length and fringes,
Be grateful for that mop up there -
Bed hair! Just stop those whinges.
I hope this makes you smile - remember that it will come back and for many, it's nicer than ever.
I had my 6th and final cycle of chemo on Tuesday (just gone - 12th) and yesterday I was marked up for my radiotherapy which begins on 3rd October for 3 weeks (daily). My 5th cycle took me into a deep depression & I spent 3 solid days crying. I'm not sure why, but part of me thinks it was due to the impending end of treatment and my fears about what happens when I'm no longer being 'watched' on a regular basis - irrational I know, but I can't help but let a tiny bit of negativity in when I've been so relentlessly positive throughout.
I started my Level 3 Counselling Skills Course at college last night and I'm so happy to be studying again - it brings me alive. I also have a return to work date of 2nd October and hope to get away somewhere nice in half term, so plenty to look forward to...
Wishing you all the very best at whatever stage you're at, coping with the differences to your bodies and beating this dreaded thing (can't always call its name).
Hi Hannah, what a great poem! It did make me smile. I had loads of hair, but it wasn't thick hair or corse and it was straight and long. The first thing I did when I knew I was having Docetaxel was cut it all off in front of the mirror with some paper scissors, in the hope that I could remove the level of importance, my love of it etc. Instead, I really liked it short and so did everyone else! Now that it has all but gone, I feel exactly like the poem says, it just isn't me in the mirror. It must seem so vain to people who have not been through this, but it is such a deep seated feeling that there is no shallow vanity about it. I know it will grow back, but at 1/4 inch a month at most it will take me 4-5 years just to get a decent bob! It is very negaitive to work out the years, but I need to fully manage my expectations to avoid disappointment. Have you put your poem as a blog, or do you write one? Also, have you sent it to Macmillan, as they could use it in their campaigns? I have just written a piece for them and it is such a positive feeling being asked to help. Thank you so much for sending the poem over, I love it. Xx
To Hannah and all u other lovely ladies
Loved your poem Hannah, it said exactly how I feel.
I too started my radiotherapy in 3rd October but only for one week as I am part of a trial, so yesterday was my last one. All hospital treatments done. I start letrozole this week ( hormone treatment) and I am apprehensive about that as I've read a lot of blogs from ladies who have struggled with lots of SE's on it, and some brand names are better/worse than others. I too on my 5th treatment went on a real downer. Docetaxel was hard and instead of thinking yay! Only one to go, I felt the opposite. But it was soon upon me and it was the hardest but i came thru it. Can't believe now it was 6 weeks ago.
Hair is coming in, but so slowly. Very patchy and I'm sure in some areas it's came in and then thinned again, but think up to 6 weeks chemo still working away as in past week I'm now left with 2 eyelashes on one eye. I had 6 between both eyes until then. Not a lot, but meant something to me!
I too feel a bit insecure about not seeing doctors etc so regularly now, feels like being cast adrift. All normal feelings and we all relate to each other. Got to have gone thru all this to be able to do that. Friends etc mean well but been times I've had to count to 10, at some flippant things they have said. But u got to smile and know that they are meaning well just don't know what they are talking about.
I am feeling quite positive today and so glad it's done. I've surprised myself and others at how strong I've been. So we cope because we have to. Your life becomes more valuable to you. We do take it for granted a bit till hit with coping with cancer.
I have a holiday booked for 2 Dec, you Tenerife. So looking forward to that. Hoping this hair growth speeds up and I at least have a g.i. hane look, albeit a crimpy one ( looks like my curls will come back.....grey) . Wishing all u ladies well. U can do it!! Xxxxxx
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