So. I've seen a lot of people sharing posts on facebook recently due to a number of suicides, asking for people suffering from depression to know that they aren't alone, and that the person sharing said post is there for them if ever needed. All they need to do is to reach out and ask to chat or to ask for help and they would be there for them. That's all well and good, and I'm sure the person who shared said post feels really good about themselves for doing it. But that's never going to happen, and is pretty much useless. It really is only good for the original poster, as a way to make themselves feel better. Because depression and anxiety are never going to let you reach out to someone and blatantly tell them "I need help", because you don't feel like you're worth anyone's help. Or you feel like you're being a nusiance and an annoyance whenever you try and talk to someone or reach out for help. So even with posts that say 'reach out to me', you won't. Not in such an open manner.
No, it's more subtle than that. Our need, pain, anguish, helplessness, the fact we feel like we're so very alone and drowning under everything, or like we really would just like to give up on everything is never verbalised in such a blatant manner. But it is there. In our eyes, on our faces, in the words and phrases we use. To us, it's like we are screaming and shouting as we ask for help, companionship, even just to be noticed - and we don't understand why we aren't heard. So if someone mentions that for 2 months no-one has been in touch and they haven't left the house because they can't by themselves - don't just smile and nod in an understanding fashion. Do something about it yourself, or call around a few mutual friends and arrange for folks to visit, or get in touch by any means, or go out to things and invite said person.
We have become so skilled at hiding ourselves away and putting on the faces we feel that people want to see, that we don't realise it isn't obvious to everyone when we're really suffering. They see the person coping, the person smiling, the person chatting and having a laugh, and they have no idea what is going on inside and that we are just hoping to be heard. That perhaps someone will see behind the facade and just know the real us and what we are feeling. But our minds tell us we can't show too much, or people will feel obliged to help, or be there, when they don't really want to be. And the fact that no-one notices our words and hints, 'proves' that our thoughts are true - and no-one really cares about us.
This is why those sorts of posts don't work. Because we feel like we have been asking for help, and we have been reaching out - and if anyone really cared they would have heard us and helped. But as they haven't......
So if you suspect someone is having issues, or you know that someone is ill, or you have any sort of inkling that someone you like might not be coping as best they might. Don't be 'British' about it and wait for them to come to you in case they don't want help, or don't want anyone to interfere. Because maybe they are being 'British' too, and struggling on with a stiff upper lip. Insert yourself into their life, make sure they really and truly know you are there for them. And don't ask 'is there anything I can do to help?' or 'We should get together sometime, it's been ages'. Be more specific. 'Can I pick up some shopping for you?' or 'Do you want me to run around with the hoover?' or 'I'm free on Saturday, do you want to go and do.....?' Because if someone is having issues, they will never answer yes to a generic can I help question, as they have no idea how much help you're offering. Do you mean something small like picking up some milk or giving a lift to the docs? Or do you mean something bigger like actually taking you to do a full on shop, or cleaning your kitchen for you? As well as everything in between. Same goes for, we should get together sometime. I'm sure they would love to get together, but they're never going to make the first move as they don't want to be a hassle, and aren't sure if it was a genuine offer or not. Or perhaps they've tried to arrange to get together, but days and times didn't suit, so they were turned down. If their head is being mean, it will tell them they were turned down because there was no interest in ever getting together, and it was just one of those nice things people say and never mean. So they aren't going to reach out.
Understanding that someone who is having problems, is generally going to be passive in a friendship will go a long way to helping them. Because if you really do want to help, and really do want people to know they're not alone - then you're going to have to make the effort and put yourself out there. Otherwise, it's all just words on a screen that someone with issues will think doesn't relate to them. So don't wonder if you could have done more, don't let anyone slip down the cracks, just do more and pay attention. Think about how you would feel in the same situation as that person, how you would cope, who you could turn to. And if you find gaps, be that person who plugs them for that person in need. That's how you can best be there for someone. That's how you make a difference. Not with a generic Facebook post offering a chat and a cup of tea to anyone.............. so long as they reach out first.
