So, mentally and physically I've not been doing too well recently. The weather has increased the pain I'm in, as has the housework i've been doing - I cleared a room, rmoved a carpet, laid a new carpet, then bought and built furniture to turn it into a craft room. The pain has stopped me from doing things I might otherwise have done and the house is in a bit of a state, and my weight has stopped decreasing because I've been unable to exercise. My legs hurt and all I want to do is sleep because my vitamin D is so very low, and the supplements seem to have stopped working. The awful weather stopped me from going to see my parents for a few days there, and I'd really been looking forward to that, so I ended up sitting in and watching TV as usual.
I've also been incredibly anxious about my PIP assessment that happened this morning, with much too much crying, stress eating of junk, not sleeping, over sleeping, biting my nails, and general anxiousness. This hasn't been helped by 2 phonecalls, a letter, a text, and an email from the assessors over the last week, each time reminding me they were coming today and sending me into a bit of a spiral of stress. I've now to wait for 6 weeks to find out what will have been said about me and the decision they will make based on today, so who knows what's going to happen. I've absolutely no idea if I said or did enough to get the point across that I'm not well and need the financial help. Because right now, all that's going through my head are all the things I should have said but didn't, because I either didn't think of them or it didn't fit with the questions asked, so I didn't volunteer extra info thinking it might come up later. So I'm kicking myself and berating myself, and having a wee stresshead party right now.
It was only afterwards that I thought about it too, and realised that not one person had wished me luck today. My parents knew, my friends knew, people on here knew, but radio silence. No wishes of luck, and I'm just guessing, but I;m going to say that no-one will get in touch later to see how it went either. Makes me feel really important to others and loved, all this concern, interest, and care I'm shown....... It's not really any wonder that tears are never too far away just now.
Then we've got where else my brain has been going recently. With the pain, and the stress of the assessment, it's got me thinking. I'm incurable, the sort of incurable where the doctors think and hope that old age will get me before anything cancer related - my current cancers at least. Now, I'm only in my 30's which means I could have a good 40 years or more of life left....... and the reason this is a blog post rather than a forum post is coming up...... I can't imagine living like this for another 40 odd years. This pain. The constant PIP assessments. The tiredness. The loneliness. Just everything. Sometimes, I look at people who are given a time limit and I feel jealous because their pain and exhaustion will be over soon, and their friends and family won't drift away and not care about them, because they don't have long left and will want to spend as much time together as possible.
Yes, I know how that sounds, and yes I know those people who haven't much time left would probably do just about anything for more of it and will see me as being selfish and who knows what else. But it's just where my mind has been lately because this has been a particularly tough couple of months. I've absolutely no idea if anyone else feels the same, but here it is, my confession. If I can let it out, then so can you.
What's your truth?
Whatever cancer throws your way, we’re right there with you.
We’re here to provide physical, financial and emotional support.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2020
© Macmillan Cancer Support, registered charity in England and Wales (261017), Scotland (SC039907) and the Isle of Man (604). Also operating in Northern Ireland. A company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales company number 2400969. Isle of Man company number 4694F. Registered office: 89 Albert Embankment, London SE1 7UQ. VAT no: 668265007