After having lost the love of my life to cancer in spring of 2018, I want to share some reflections on what I have learned in the role as his carer, and on my grieving process. I hope this blog will be of help to some.
Before I continue sharing Paul's and my story, I thought I would briefly comment on love and our relationship.
I suppose most people would say that their relationship was something really special; and yet, when I look at many relationships around me, I feel that Paul's and my relationship was truly something very special and different from a lot of relationships I know.
Firstly, when Paul and I met, it felt for both of us as if we had been waiting for each other our entire lives; it was like we were finally meeting a very, very old connection again, one that we had been waiting to meet again for many, many years. It felt like we were finally being re-united with our other half or another part of ourselves without which we had never been whole. I think this explains our longing to be together right from the start and our enthusiasm and passion to make it happen. We just couldn't be stopped by any obstacles, nothing was too much for us; for example, I had to move to Ireland and I didn't mind, even though I had never wanted to live abroad, and Paul had to leave his family home where he had been looking after his elderly mother for years. We had to be together and that was that.
Secondly, our love and relationship happened under very unusual circumstances in the sense that Paul was 33 years older than me, something that never interested us in the slightest, and that we came from different countries and cultural backgrounds, something which was sometimes a little challenging at first but something that we both embraced with happiness and excitement.
I am heart-broken when I think that this relationship was cut so short by his disease. Why couldn't we have more time? Why wasn't it possible, now that we had found each other, to have more time together?
Paul was the kindest, gentlest, most loving, most caring, most playful person I have ever known; he loved life, he loved beauty, he was able to see the good in everything. He was my soul mate.
I really wish everyone such an experience of deep love and connection and recognition in the other. It is absolutely beautiful.
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