Months down the line from first diagnosis, I am now at the radiotherapy stage. Up until now I had not asked many questions about my type of cancer, I have never researched it in books or on the internet & I could not even bring myself to even look at any leaflets (of which there are many as everyone involved in your treatment seems to want to give you a leaflet). You see, I just wanted to curl up in a ball & wish the cancer away.
Every time I had a hospital appointment or had to see a nurse, doctor or specialist I immediately went into anxiety mode, dreading any more bad news, dreading news of a treatment that may be difficult to get through & hating the very fact I had to go through any of this. At the beginning I was so distraught that even though I was told about my upcoming treatment plan, I've since realised that none of it actually sank in; I would get home & not remember hardly any of the conversations, only parts.
My mental health had plummeted to a new low, I will even admit to thoughts of ending it all, as I did not think I would get through any of it. Panic attacks were ever present, anxiety never left me & people who thought they were helping, would tell me of stories of their cancer journey or a friends cancer journey; these stories made me worry more, as I assumed I may have to go through some of the same difficult treatments as them, or that I would die or that my treatment plan was not going to work because it wasnt the same as theirs, not the parts I could remember anyway.
My anxiety was made worse by my ignorance. I realise now that I was so scared of what I thought I had to face that I could not cope with knowing what I had to face. The only way I can describe how I felt is by likening it to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome & every visit to the hospital was a trigger to my anxiety; I broke down on almost every visit. I wept all the way through each scan & every consultation, I was so caught up in my anxiety that I was not able to function on a practical level which meant that I went through most of my treatment in bewildered ignorance.
Now though, after going through the scans, biopsies, tests, operation & currently radiotherapy, I am finally able to discuss my type of cancer. I have been able to ask a few questions & gain some knowledge. I have finally been able to calm my anxiety & not have a panic attack upon entering the hospital, I've learnt to breath instead of hold my breath. I've learnt from talking to other patients that each & every one of us are on a similar but different journey, our treatment plans are similar but different, but most of all, I've learnt that by understanding & having knowledge of my own personal illness & my own personalised treatment, I am better able to help myself.
It was shock & fear that made me block & want to block everything that I was being told. I was trying to protect myself from the truth because the truth appeared too difficult to take.
