I've revisited my blog once more, such harrowing reading it makes. It brings it all back to me, just how intense and suffocating the cancer journey was , resulting in me loosing my darling husband. Five years - in some ways it feels like yesterday but in other aspects it seems like it happened in another life time . I'm so glad I kept the blog though, it reminded me that I did all that I could to help Bryan on his final journey. I've often wondered if I could have done more but I know in my heart that I was devoted in every way and that I did everything possible to bring him peace and comfort. I often consider those going through this same journey and the levels of sadness they too must endure. Cancer and Bryan's death has changed me, a piece of my heart died along with my husband and that will never return, that I know . But I've picked up the remaining pieces of my life and I'm not unhappy now. I have a grandson now whom I adore and has brought a lightness and love into my life which I thought was impossible . I have a wonderful family and friends too, I've worked really hard at being sociable and have new friends in my life who see me as me because they never knew me as Bryan's wife, that's been a real boost and unexpected too. I have much to be grateful for and I never take things for granted, especially my own health. I've lost two stone in weight with healthy eating and healthy lifestyle. That's been so good for me. I finally feel my age. I felt so very old, grief did that to me. I felt as though I was just ticking off the days until I died but I don't feel that way now. I feel a young 57 and boy does that feel good. So good, so very very good. My biggest surprise is the fact that I have met someone new this year who is a remarkable man. It's very early days of course but he's full of kindness and goodness and compassion. It's so uplifting to be sharing life with someone - someone completely different - who wouid have thought that little old me would be dating again!! It turns out that hearts can be healed and mended and fixed after all. Bryan was man enough and strong enough to give me his blessing five years ago, when the end was near, I never thought it would be needed but it's of great comfort now to think I have it nonetheless. So I begin not a new chapter but a new book entirely . But to all those struggling with life please be kind to yourself and remember you are never truly alone. Much love xxx
