One of our Wellbeing Champs here at Macmillan, Nat, recently shared with me a blog she wrote on how she discovered it was alright to be sensitive, to be emotional – to cry.
The above follows Nat’s recent “rollercoaster of a mental health journey”, as she describes it – and whilst Nat’s story might not directly relate to cancer, I hope you perhaps read this and think that whatever you might be going through right now, it’s alright to feel emotional, to be sensitive, perhaps overwhelmed or even angry. The Community’s a place for you to share, talk about and help each other cope with these emotions – so go ahead and share!
I was taken back to my 4th year at junior school, 5 days residential today for the first time in 30 years. As I stood in the school hall waiting for the coach to arrive to take my son and his friends on their year 6 residential, there were 32 excited laughs and screeches alongside teachers frantically filling out lists and packing first aid boxes.
The 33rd child was clinging to her mother, in floods of tears desperately praying for her to say she didn’t have to go.
I wanted to say to said child “embrace it!” or “you’ll be home before you know it”. I wanted to tell her to enjoy every minute, because she would regret it in the future otherwise!
This child reminded me of the 10-year-old me, being dropped at the school gates, tuck-box in one hand and suitcase in the other. I was dreading the next 5 days, knowing I was going to be so homesick, that all I would create were sad memories and enough tears to sink a ship! It proved to be exactly how I had expected. I cried for 5 days solid! I couldn’t ring home because I knew it would make me cry even more. My friends were having a fantastic time away from home and making great memories. I’m pretty sure I was every parent and teacher’s nightmare!
Emotional solitude was something that I experienced until I was in my late 20s. During that time, my emotions were so tangled! I was the only one who had to be picked up from Brownie camp because I was so homesick. I would cry at the drop of a hat! Don’t get me wrong, I had nothing to be sad about. My childhood was enjoyable, I have happy memories. I felt loved. Ironically, the separation anxiety, because of the love, when it came to be going on school trips was quite debilitating. My poor parents couldn’t win! Sorry Ma and Pa
As a 19 to 20-year-old, I started to question, why some people manage to get through life without showing their emotions very much? I could barely get through a day without turning on the waterworks. Songs made me cry, adverts on TV made me cry. Watership Down, the Rabbits having to flee their warrens and the epic journey that follows? I was utterly heartbroken! ET is still out of bounds in my house along with Beeches, Steel Magnolias and My Girl. It’s self-preservation!!
In my mind as a young 20 something, crying was a sign of weakness. Those that didn’t show emotion were stronger. If I were to describe myself at the time, I would have said sensitive, impressionable, anxious, full of worry. I was happy and sad all at the same time.
In 2005 I got engaged to my now husband, Archie. The wedding excited me, I loved all the planning. But, what came with the planning was the worry that I would become so emotional that it would ruin my big day. I took myself off to see a counsellor. I realised that I was almost ashamed and embarrassed about myself because I was such an ’emotional wreck’
I will never forget my wonderful counsellor, Jean. I remember her vividly. She taught me that I should never apologise for being emotional. Her words to me “you are getting married in a few weeks Natalie and then, you may have children. When those children look back on your life after you have gone, they will say; ‘our Mum, she was an emotional woman and we loved her for it!’
From that day forward, my self-esteem started to evolve. I was no longer going to apologise for being sensitive or emotional. I have managed to stick to it too, well most of the time! Jean taught me a life lesson that day.
Now, as a 40 year old, who has been on a rollercoaster of a mental health journey, I have learnt that crying is just a natural human emotion. Its not a sign of weakness!
We learn the most about crying from our parents and adult relatives as a young child. Ask yourself, did you ever see your parents cry? What did they say or do when you or a family member did? Was crying accepted as a natural human expression or was a crier humiliated, shamed, punished, sent to their room, or left alone with feelings?
As someone who works with Cancer patients every day, I deal sometimes, with very vulnerable people. Every day, a patient or someone affected by cancer will say sorry to me for crying. My response? ‘Please don’t apologise for crying’.
As Jean said to me that day, never apologise for being sensitive or emotional. Never apologise for crying! If people want to make an opinion of you based on your choice of emotional relief, well, that’s their problem! Remember that nothing is more important than how you feel and think about yourself. Nothing is more important than how you choose to live your life and show your emotions.
'I make a habit of crying. I consider myself to be quite good at it these days!'
Agreed, our circumstances can certainly make life unhappy sometimes. But a part – often a big part – of unhappiness comes from our own thinking, behaviour and habits. I make a habit of crying. I consider myself to be quite good at it these days!
Thanks to Jean, I have been at peace with that for 20 years of my life.
And the 33rd child? I’m pleased to say, she was smiling on all the photos!
