I am writing this in response to the many comments, both on this website and also out there in the big, bad world, that the 2nd year is actually harder than the 1st. As someone who is now bumbling my way through the 2nd year of bereavement, I hope my “insider’s perspective” may be helpful to those who have only recently lost a loved one. I realise that all of our experiences are different; we grieve differently, we loved differently and our relationships with those we have lost were different but I hope this will be of use to some of you.
After Mark died, I remember reading comments on here from people saying that the 2nd year was harder, and I was stunned. “How can it be?” I thought. “How can anything be harder than this?” I was in turmoil. I had spent the last 16 months watching the man I had spent 18 years of my life with - the man I adored passionately, the man who made me laugh out loud, made me sometimes scream with frustration, made me happy to be me - become increasingly frail and then die. The whole thing was unbelievable. I was only 43, he was only 50. What the f*** just happened? The sadness and gut wrenching loss was beyond belief. I clung to the fact that it would, one day, get better. And then it seemed that everyone started telling “oh, the 2nd year is harder”. Even Doris Day! Well not quite, but one night, when I couldn’t sleep and needed to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, I started watching a documentary about Doris Day. “Great,” I thought “I love a bit of Doris, this will cheer me up”.....and then she started talking about her husband. And that fact he had died in his mid-40s (this was about 30 years before the documentary was filmed) and SHE STARTED CRYING - as if it just happened. “oh lord,” I thought, “it still has this strong an impact after 30 years” and at this point, I wondered if I would ever get through it.
Well, 16 months have now passed and I have (somehow) got through it – but I am also still going through it. Is it harder now than it was 6 or 12 months ago? In some ways, I am sorry to say that it is. It is harder because it is 16 months since I last spoke to Mark, last kissed him and last saw him. Every day that passes makes the longing a little bit stronger. It is harder because most other people are getting on with their lives and by now, they sort of expect me to be doing so too. But, there are some positive things about time passing. The dreadful memories of his last few hours don’t haunt me like they used to. I still have moments when I can’t get them out of my head, but not as often as I used to. I still find myself bursting into tears over bizarre things (usually when driving, which means you should probably avoid road any trips to the Lune Valley or South Cumbria, if you can help it) and I still feel Mark’s absence every day. I can go into his workshop now though and do odd jobs in there without getting too maudlin. I can go out with friends and find myself laughing and having a great time. I’ve started a new job and can come home and make a meal for myself without feeling absolutely, soul-destroyingly alone, which is an improvement. I talk about Mark with friends and family all the time, without dissolving into floods of tears.
I feel resolutely single. I am so terribly sad that Mark has gone and that, with him, all the plans we had made together. But, I am now starting to plan a new life for myself. I don’t intend that life to be shared with anyone significant and am already stubbornly stuck in my ways. I like my own company, which helps and I talk to Mark all the time (even though I don’t believe in an after life – I talk to him because he was my constant companion for 18 years and it feels good) and I still refer to “us” and “we” because I am not ready to give up on that yet. We have amazing friends and family and their loss is just as important as mine – maybe not quite as significant, but Mark was an amazing person (although quite ordinary, I am not remembering him through rose-tinted glasses) and people loved him and miss him incredibly. So, yes......the 2nd year has been very hard, as I assume every year without Mark in it will be for me, but please, please do not get down hearted when you hear people saying “he 2nd year is even harder” because it doesn’t have to be.
