Hi All,
Today I need some sort of a release and writing on here is proving to be something that really helps me get through the days...
To give you a bit of background I am 28, my husband is 26. We have been together for just over 3 years and 2 of these years we have spent living with 'my cancer'.
My husband and I got married in September 2015 - About 6 weeks before the wedding I was given my second cancer diagnosis, this was the metastatic spread into the chest lymphnodes. I hadn't yet had a date for surgery etc but I knew I still wanted to continue with the wedding plans and get married. We had a 3 week honeymoon to America booked - This was cancelled as I couldn't find anyone to give me significant travel insurance and also because my surgery was scheduled for when we would have still been away. We went up to the north of Scotland for a few days and it was lovely.
In October I had my surgery - This one was worse than the first. My husband was great, he came to hospital everyday and every night, he stayed by my side and did anything I needed him to do. When I was discharged I went to stay at my mum and dads for a few weeks, they are both retired so someone was always around to help me when I needed it. I know that this made my husband feel a bit left out, I did try and include him as well, he came round for tea but he didnt want to stay over night with me here. The longer I stayed away from our home the harder I found it to go back there - I felt comfortable at my mum and dads and I didnt want to go home to be alone most days. I did it eventually but probably more so to please him rather than me being ready to go. So when I did go home I walked round to my mums and spent most days here anyway.
I have struggled this time to talk about how I'm feeling (I am seeing a medical psychologist) in particular with my husband. I have completely gone into shut down, I dont want to talk to him, I dont want any sort of effection and we havent been intimate in a while either. It came to a head last week and I have been staying with my parents since Friday and we have hardly spoken... I know he feels shut out but I cant bring myself to talk to him as I dont want to break this wall down as I am so scared of all the emotion that comes with it.
How do you we get back to normal? What is my/our new normal?
How do I know if its because of the whole cancer thing that I'm feeling like this or if its actually the relationship?
Who knows.....
