It's been a month now since Markus died, and I feel really strange. At first, I was very hyperactive and zooming around all over the place, cried in the strangest places. Went to the supermarket, looked at all the pasta, and realised I didn't know what to buy any more because for 2 years I had only bought for Markus. So I cried into the noodles. It was the same all over - it had been so intensive buying stuff to get weight…
Just heard the beginning of a documentary on BBC about the second world war, and 'one of the greatest battles in the history ....' somewhere in the Pacofic Ocean. Well, it made me angry. What's great about a battle? What's great about a lot of conscientious people slaughtering each other? The greatest battles that I can think of are fought in private, and we can read about them and talk to the people fighting…
Markus walked into his world of dreams at 8.30 this morning. His final journey was not an easy one for either of us - he had such problems breathing and the nurses often tried to lay him down - but he couldn't stand that. I stayed with him all night the last couple of nights to be on hand when he had problems and was there most of the time since Thursday. Sometimes he managed to squeeze my hand when he woke up a little…
Markus has begun his final journey. The doctor said she can make no prognosis, because she has miscalculated his tenacity before, but she thinks the process has begun. His lungs are not working properly, so he has continuous infusions of valium to prevent restlessness and morphine to stop the feelings of breathlessness. It's what he wanted. He has oxygen, too.. He can barely react to anything now, can't lift his head…
The first two days in hospital were horrendous. Markus couldn't breathe properley and suffered constant panic attacks. He also fell into a deep depression. This wasn't helped by the fact that his bed neighbour tried to push him out of bed or something during the night, shouting at him in English. Markus just didn't feel safe. Then a young man was admitted who had been in the same care home as Markus's son was when he…
