this week is just getting worse !

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

6 May 2010

I really do not know what to do with myself, im so bloody miserable ! and its just not me (despite my last few blogs),, i honestly feel worse than when ju first died, i dont know if i was in shock or if it was just relief that he was at peace at last (that sounds terrible but hope fully you know what i mean ) or maybe im just exausted, still not sleeping properly , im pissed of with the world, ive never felt angry so why now ? , and as for friend who asked me today if id got rid off all ju,s clothes so i could go shopping and fill wardrobe up,Bol*****s, i nearly punched her ,

ive just read that back and i sound horrible ,but you all know thats not me, im kind and gentle and would do anything for anyone, im quiet and patient , i just want to help other people , i also have to face the gossip about the young widow at football tonight , last time i told them what i thought it just slipped out :) , which also isnt like me , but i need kindness at the moment or they can just ignore me ,which is what i told them,

to be honest i think sadly all i need is a cuddle ,which is what im so missing and maybe some tlc , but its not going to happen ,i know that but doesnt stop me missing ju so much , and feeling so sad that i cant have that , or even the way we used to talk things out every day and put the world to rights, we would have laughed at the gossips together ,but not so easy on your own as im finding out the hard way , i hid in doors in the beginning as couldnt cope but im not going to let them, win, no matter how much it hurts , ju wouldnt want that, he also wouldnt want me feeling so sorry for myself but i think , im just grieving as i should be ,and maybe in a few days will feel a bit better , lets hope so anyway !!!

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Ya Jenni,

Iam sitting here thinking, You seem to be going through a very hard time,since Ju,s passed away

You have to look after yourself and your kids,thats what Ju,s would want. The friend that suggested clearing out the wardrobe probally didnt stop to think and thought she was being helpful,so dont be too down on her. She doesnt realise the amount of Pain and anguish and loneliness that you are going through/ I trust and hope that things start to ease for you.

You are in my thoughts. Take care Love Sarsfield.xx
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Jenni- read your blogs with tears. I haven't been through this and to read this makes me (& probably a lot of others) realise how insensitive I have been in the past, without intending to hurt. You certainly aren't 'horrible'. You stick 2 fingers up to these people and to hell with them. What you had & have is precious and it's yourself you put 1st now - those that love you will realise this & those that don't aren't worth bothering with. Don't call it anger, but assertiveness - you channel the kindness to yourself now and let people do the same for you in return for what you have done for them.

Big hug to you and take care, Jewels
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

hi all ,thankyou for your comments and hugs :), i do actually feel a bit better now ive admitted im not ok,i told my mum last night and she apologised as she in her words had forgotten i was grieving , as im always so strong , i also spoke to one of ju,s best friends who is coming to see me today ,which hopefully will help, but i think most of all i need to take my own advice and be gentler on myself, !!

and madge ,when ju was diognosed, i was never angry ,just heartbroken ,and i just managed to stay so strong, god knows how but i did it , well i do know how ! love for my sweetheart :) x
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Morning Jenni, glad you sound 'up' today. Hope your meeting with Ju's friend goes okay - just go with the flow. I sincerely hope one day, you will just remember how lucky you were to have had such a special love with your hubby and the gifts that he has left behind. God bless.
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FormerMember over 13 years ago

Hey Jenni,

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

I hope you are close to turning that corner you so desperately need to turn. I truly hope the pain begins to ease and you get to that place where you can cherish the goodtimes you had with Ju and remember them with a smile and not a tear.

The not sleeping is probably magnifying every little problem right now, no one can function for long on just a little sleep, let alone be a grieving wife and mother trying to hold it together.

I am gllad that admitting you are not doing OK has helped you and hope you can find some local support somewhere, a friend or family member that can help take the strain a little.

Love & Strength

Debs xx
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