well ive had an awful weekend , i had my first *good day * on friday ,i went out with friends for the day and had a really nice time , one even commented on how nice it was to see me smiling, but ever since ive been feeling so low and the tears .well its never ending ,i feel like i did the first day ju died , so lost and lonely ,i keep remembering those last two days again, i just want to curl up in a ball and cry which isnt like me , i thought time was meant to help but i feel worse ,friends and family expect me to be ok now, but im not, i miss ju so much ,even my bfriend upset me yesterday as was moaning about her hubby and i just had no patience with her, ive been invited out to a football dinner and said no but friends couldnt understand why i wouldnt want to go without ju ,so i felt id offended them but i dont want to go ,so they wont invite me to anything again,
i went to dr this morning and found myself telling him im *ok* , but up and down , he offered me sleeping tabs again but i said no, and no i dont need antidepressants either ,not that he offered he knows ill ask if i want them, then had to go to solicitor to sign my will , i need to know our kids will be looked after, but its all so hard, and no im still not ready to go back to work, i work on a very busy dementia unit and need to concentrate or all hell can break loose , im am looking for another job, but for now dont feel ready, im still so tired, but i am getting on with the garden slowly ,with lots of help ,and im so pleased as planted some lovely sweet peas, for ju, who i called sweet pea and he swore he didnt like it but he really did towards the end , im sorry to sound so low ,its not like me and i am trying to take advice and not be so hard on myself , but thats just me im afraid . i just keep thinking of what ju said just before he died , he said one day i will be happy again, well sadly i think thats a long way off yet , but i am trying sweet pea xxx
