Where do i start, ive wanted to blog for a while but didnt know what to say, well i think its the only way ill be able to explain how im feeling, and no one else understands except you lovely people in macland,
I will start by saying , i may say im ok when asked ,but of course im not , what a bloody stupid question ! i personally think im doing really well considering ,so does my mac counsellor, some days are harder than others and their is not a minute when i dont have a physical pain in my heart from missing ju so much, and i know hes here with me , he gave me another sign yesterday,but i so miss the intamacy, the holding hands and the hugs , i even said to my oldest daughter the other day how much i missed ju and she seemed so surprised that i wasnt ok, but kids have their own lives and friends , i dont want to burden them ,, i had a horrible moment this morning , i sat in ju,s chair just to pick something up, and when i looked up ,the day he died just all flooded back to my mind ,and i could just see him lying their again, i have tried my hardest to not think about it, by putting photos everywhere , and trying to have happy thoughts and memories , maybe ive tried to hard as one night when i couldnt sleep all i could think of then were ju,s last few days , which werent very nice, speaking of sleeping i am getting some sleep but not much, i go off ok and then keep waking up after a few hours, i still feel exausted and someone asked the other day when i was going back to work, i felt like shouting at them to give me a break and some time to grieve,i will go back ,when it feels right, i am keeping my eyes open for a job with macmillan ,as i feel i could do so much good with my skills and now sadly my experiance, and i still have my job, but i dont think after the way they treated me i want to go back anyway,
anyway on a lighter note, Mother in law from hell has now not spoken to me since funeral :), went to buy a lawn mower today as ju always did all that , he wouldnt let me touch his garden :), so bought a light electric one , came home put it together, ready to wreck ju,s perfect lawn , luckily his dad then turned up and bless him mowed it for me ,so i will save it for next week , i have never mowed a lawn in my life , so will be intresting ,poor ju, will be having kittens watching me, i also bought some lovely pink gardening gloves as i always said to ju i dont get my hands dirty :),,, well i managed to end on a happy note , i am trying my best but sometimes you just cant stop the thoughts and tears :( xxxx
