Not misery the Stephen King novel athough I do feel like swinging a sledge hammer around right now. I have started this just as an outlet really. Currently sat on my bed looking like a frog and hiding from my son and his friend even though I am cooking their tea. Which is pretty much why I am crying. Not because of my son or his friend or the fact that I am having to cook but because believe it or not, at 36 years old I am in trouble for it.
I am in the unfortunate position of living with my parents. Partly due to the cancer but also being made redundant last year and it's horrible. No matter what I do I get criticised. Today I've helped both my parents with things, I've done cleaning. Made a brew but I'm out of order for saying my son could have his friend round for tea. The friend who's house he stays at almost every Friday cos he can't have friends stay over here. My son is 12, we share a bedroom. Single beds but sharing a room. That bit I can deal with we get along great but it's not ideal.
So right back to October well no August. I went to the gym, thought right lets sort this overweight, unfit situation out. I saw a personal trainer and we went through a plan. The next day I woke up with a painful lump in my chest. I put it down to overdoing it on the weight resistance machines. 2 weeks later I went to the docs, then referred to hospital. Was told it was all positive, it was painful and hard but bit of debris needed a biopsy. 2 weeks later I was told I had breast cancer. Also the same day I was told that the job everyone thought was a sure thing I didn't get. So I'm not going to dwell on all the things that then happened. The short version is I had chemo, during which time I was told I would need a mastectomy, then lumpectomy the mastectomy again, Then told I couldn't have recon at the same time then told I told then on the day I couldn't cos it had grown too much. They got rid of it so yeyy cancer free and I'm now having radiotherapy.
So I found out that chemo has quite a dark side, it affected my moods, I was always positive I didn't get upset at all but I was quite quick tempered, never around my son but round my parents. Not very often but after the first time I spoke to a fellow breast cancer battler who said she was evil at times when she had it. I asked my mum to try to be nice, not feel the need to criticise the smallest things or feel the need to always have the last word. Didn't work that well and there were some almighty rows but instead of it all being me doing things wrong it was constantly my son which is worse than aiming it at me as I am fiercely defensive of him obviously. They drink do my parents, they drive me to it too even though I asked them to help me stop, I was still offered one every day. I found it hard to say no to the glass of wine with dinner and most nights it's 2 bottles. Even telling them I was trying to stop cos it could affect my treatment didn't help and I needed it. But if I say that then I'm blaming them,
So I had the surgery, I had the news 2 weeks later that they got it all. After that any tip toeing around (the very little there was) stopped. Every day there is a reason it to criticise me, The last few weeks I have actually wished that my son's Dad was a better person and more involved when previously I have enjoyed being a single parent and being the one to do everything for him. Hate to say it but the reason is that I have never felt so down. I just want it to stop, On the outside I am such a happy person, Everyone else in my life says how brave I am and everything else but recently I just wonder if it would be better if I hadn't beaten it. I am stuck in a house where I am not wanted. I've no job, no savings. I am struggling to pay the petrol to get to my radiotherapy in fact I don't even think I am going to go to my appointment tonight, I don't want to bother with it anymore. My son's Dad would take him on if I wasn't here he would have a pretty decent life, right now he would have a better life than the one I amm giving him.
In the last 12 months I have gone from thinking I had a great boyfriend who I ended up paying hundreds of pounds to get him out of drug debts just to dump me, about to move into a lovely house to being stuck at my parents. Being made illegally redundant then missing out on a job everyone thought I was going to get to then get offered it again when the person they employed ahead of me didn't work out to then being told I actually couldn't have it the week I was due to start. While also finding I had cancer, losing a boob and instead of getting fit after going to the gym I've put 2 stone on that just won't shift along with the painful feet, hot sweats etc. All of which I could cope with, every bit of it, if I wasn't treated like such a f**k up off my parents. This morning I was sat wrong. This evening I did the wrong thing cos I was nice. Radio app in an hour and I think I'll just go to bed.
I wouldn't still be in the house if it wasn't for the cancer, we would be out, we wouldn't have a lot but it would be just the two of us. Dealing with the cancer was the easy bit. Right now it's living after it. So tempted just to delete all that now. Mind you I'd be surprised if anyone reads to the end of it.
Well I will leave it there anyway.
Goodnight all
