I think it's fair to say that with just one day left at work, I'm ready to let go. Mentally I've very little room for any more. I've been carrying cancer, a project, a team of nearly 20 and the various emotional needs of the people around me since I got cancer, for 3 and a half months. Now I know I'm just 1 day at work away from going off for some time and starting radiotherapy I can feel myself losing grasp of my normal, albeit gobby, reasonable manner.
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with people's crap when that is essentially all it is. I'm still fine to help someone who's in need. Anyone who's struggling and feeling the strain, I've got the mental capacity to help but for the people who whinge without any intention of following through or accepting help, I am about 30 seconds and a large glass of wine away from slapping them hard in the face and reminding them that there's so much more to life than petty ridiculous rubbish that nobody will even think about in a couple of week's time.
I've accepted that this particular shortness is a very big indicator that I most definitely need time out before I end up behaving far more inappropriately than I care to. I'm already known for running my mouth off when I think something is unjust and needs to be done differently, I don't want to be known as the weird ranty one that comes in, chews your face off and then scowls away. Hopefully next week away from work will do the trick and I won't have to be off too much through the bulk of the radiotherapy. Aside from the icky skin I really don't doubt it will be nothing major at all, it's the tiredness and the mental winding down that comes with it that needs a bit of time to deal with.
A colleague of mine today threw a mini strop because I couldn't swap duties with her on a day in a couple of weeks because I'll be in hospital and my deputy who is covering doesn't work that day. I am aware the colleague is struggling and I'd offered her help. She refused to take it so her strop was about all I needed to declare I wasn't having it and decided I'd go sort it out which is exactly what I'll be doing tomorrow. *Insert wonder woman pose*
I do feel a bit like a whingey teen sometimes though. I think it's the constant need to sleep. I'm on edge and it's making me stressy which I can't imagine is much fun for people around me. I know it's normal to feel emotionally unstable when things aren't going terribly well but I am fed up of myself. People around me are far more accommodating of my bizarre behaviour than I am.
I've started watching cartoons too...not exactly increasing my adultness am I!? 10 minutes is about all the attention you'll get out of me in one burst so they're pretty perfect for that but I do feel I've regressed a bit! If regression is a side effect of cancer I at least demand the good stuff that goes with it. I want a bouncy castle party, a bedtime story, someone else to plait my hair, to be able to run around in the rain, to run arms wild without judgement and to be let loose on the lego, polly pockets and sylvanians from my childhood! I might even reinstate my imaginary friends!
When I was little I had Minza, Binza, Ginza, Jinza and Mary (we were a Catholic family after all). Ginza was the naughty one. He drew on my mother's antique blanket box in permanent marker and drew on the walls. They all went everywhere with me which I'm sure was a bit of a pain for my poor mum who had to put them in and out of the trollies, cars, dinner tables and tuck them up in bed. Having an only child clearly doesn't pay people! ;)
My dreams are still disturbing my sleep. Last night I had 2 dreams. The first involved going into work to take down the Christmas decorations. Everytime we took them down they were replaced with Halloween decorations. Then we were told we'd have to swap teams and I was given a group of people who were awful but then we were told to clear our desks. Because I currently work away from my own desk, I went to this other one which was in a library in a hospital in my dream. Apparently I'd seen a giant movie poster that I wanted though so I had a giant giraffe poster on my desk that a man (apparently called Manuel) had left for me. I was trying to leave the building but it started to fold in on us. I accidently went into a meeting where it turned out we were secretly taking on a toilet cistern contract and everyone was doomed. The manager I work closely with was there too but when we tried to escape, there was just tiny ladders the width of a foot and I was in heels so I was struggling to get there. When we finally got out, my colleague tried to get a shire horse to help us but the woman who had them was evil and had all these mutated fish in a pond. We ended up hiding in a bathroom...all odd.
I woke up after that one and return to bed. I then dreamt, despite having no frame of reference for what he should look like, that Damon was on tour, full girl do - he looked awesome in a dress just so you know. He was suddenly a famous singer and the dress seemed to be pretty incidental to the whole thing but he let me play the drums so I was thrilled! In real life Hairy won't let me take up the drums because he thinks they're annoying and I'll be rubbish at them because I've not really got any co-ordination. He has a point but it still looks fun!
So that was my day. Knackered and annoyed by silly people but happy that things are ticking on and I'm SO close to getting a break from the extra worry in life that I could really do with a break from. I'm proud I've got this far but I don't want to undo all that good work but losing it.
Things are still going well. Still more good days than bad and what more can you really ask for in this life?
