Well, with Christmas over and done with, the reality has hit home. I'm having my ovaries removed in less than a week. Can't say I'm looking forward to it but then again who would?
Christmas was good. A bit quieter than previous but our family are going through a rough time. My mum is waiting on her referral appointments on top of worrying about her daughters, I'm booked in for my Oopherectomy and have appointments with the surgeons in January for finalising my mastectomy and reconstruction plans and my sister is waiting on her BRCA results.
New Year was more subdued. We all kept a brave face but it's not hard to tell we are all going through worry and stress.
For me, on Hogmanay (New Years eve), I started a little downhill spiral as the reality of being BRCA 2 positive came crashing down. Everything became more real and I panicked. I spent a few days crying and worrying. You see, I don't want to have my ovaries removed, I don't want to be menopausal, I don't want my life to change. I know it has to happen but I really don't want any of this to be real. I even considered asking for another blood test. Luckily I have come through those few days and feel stronger and more realistic.
So, my surgery is on Monday. I have 5 days left with my ovaries and wonder how I will feel when they are no longer there. Will I feel different? Will I feel less attractive? I hope not. Will I be a terrible patient? Will i wake up in tears? How quickly can I get back to normal? Lots and lots of questions going through my head it's a wonder I can function. Well, I am throwing myself in to work this week to get by. I've been preparing the kids stuff and the house for when I'm in and out of hospital. I've told my kids I'm having surgery. They don't know the real reason why. I don't think I can tell them right now. I'll be contacting Macmillan to help me prepare to tell them when I've recovered from this and I'm preparing for the next surgery.
I'm lucky I have my parents close by and my mum will come and stay for a few days after the op. I'm not sure I'll need her but she wants to so I'm uncharacteristically letting her.
I've pushed my boyfriend away and pulled him close during all of this from the minute I got my result. It's testament to how strong he feels about me that he is enduring all of this. I'm not particularly easy to be around and he never knows whether he's in the good or bad books. He's always there to lift me up when I fall and not once has he gotten mad at me. I've tried to warn him about how tough it will get which is why i push him away. He's a saint in my eyes right now.
So the day is coming close and I'm almost ready.
Mx
