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Lord, I thought having a panic attack in a Portakabin was bad enough. Things have been even more exciting since then, with another panic attack taking me to the out-of-hours clinic in Cowley Road; the next day, Bank Holiday Sunday, we went to five chemists and took four hours to get the drugs the doctor there prescribed. Actually, all we could get was a reasonable facsimile thereof, but the pharmacist at Woodstock Road chemist should get a medal for services above and beyond; he went to unheard-of efforts. On Tuesday evening I had massive stomach pains and Judy took me to A&E. I can't tell you much about that, as they gave me morphine, but I have a distant impression of many people running around and being terribly helpful and efficient. So far, so good, but it all went wobbly when I got transferred to the Churchill; the only bed they could find me was on the colorectal ward, and the nurses didn't know what to do with me. They put me on nil by mouth and didn't let me have my drugs. Unsurprisingly, I had another major panic attack the next morning and had to sign myself out without having a drain. In retrospect, a very stupid thing to have done, but, at the time, the only option I could tolerate.
I have a lot of people pulling for me - the gynae-obs Macmillan nurses, the people at the Sobell House Hospice, my own doctor - but sometimes I think that just one person doing the right thing would be preferable. Especially as they will keep changing my medication. "What're you on? Yeah, that's good, but THIS might be better, try that instead!" We're thinking of asking the pharmacy for a frequent flyer discount (yes, I get my drugs free anyway, but it's the principle of the thing). And on Friday we got a phone call to tell me I was in hospital having a drain. I wasn't. I might have been if anyone had told me I should be ...
Good news: current batch of painkillers and tranks are working quite well, which is good, as I'm in bloody agony. I think that the ascites has pushed up into my chest cavity again: my breathing's not too bad, but the pain, front and back, means I can't ever get comfortable, I'm constantly being sick, and I can't eat. Which may be as well, given the circumstances.
I have an appointment with the oncologist on Monday morning, and, I believe, a bed booked for a drain (I'll believe it when I see it) directly after. I expect to be on the ward overnight, which will, again, be entertaining, as I'm supposed to start chemo on Tuesday. Anyway: my brother is coming with us for extra reinforcement - I am a liberated, capable, intelligent women, or I am when I am not stoned out of my mind and in pain all the time, and Judy is a liberated, intelligent woman WITH A FREAKING DOCTORATE, but even so, when we talk we find people looking behind us for the grown-up (gggggrrrrrr, incidentally) - so I hope things will get more bearable soon.
In amongst all this, the ShadowCat was, on Friday evening, seen to have a huge wound on his bum, and had to be snagged when he came in on Saturday morning (no, he is not allowed to be outdoors overnight) and swept off to the vet to be treated.
Did I mention that yesterday was Judy's birthday? Quite possibly the worst birthday ever no?
Hello, lovely crabby lady...
I hope they sort you out tomorrow and I know you can't help it, but please try not to run away again eh? Having been a member of the colo-rectal ward crew a few times, I know we are not the best company in the world and a bit smelly..... but !
Hopefully the drain will help and tell them about the panic attacks this time so you can get your drugs and if you are being sick, get them to give them to you IV and hopefully hopefully the new lot of chemo will start to reduce things again and ease up this ascites. I guess they can't glue your insides together like your lungs....
Cancer has a habit of buggering up birthdays. I have had 2 in a row now buggered up by ops and the like.
I can't really help you, Hilary with all that is going on, but I will say do as you are told, (even though I don't) and there are kittens on the horizon for the LM household (or one at least) so I can show you pictures of them and distract you with words and of course sending you huge huge hugs.
Hope tomorrow goes ok for you (as in ok in 'we've got cancer' terms, I know by everyone else's terms tomorrow is shit but you know what I mean)
hugest hugs but not so hard they hurt you more and hope the drain eases things for you. Can they not put some permanent sort of thing in?
Little My xxxxx
I don't know how much more a 5' 2" person can take but you must be almost at capacity. It's about time they stopped just patching you up and did something really effective so I'm glad there will be three of you taking on the hospital tomorrow, that's a crowd and it sounds like it's necessary. Pillar-to-post just about sums up their approach so far. It's disgraceful.
Anyway, you know all that - I was just venting - so I'll wish you all the luck in the world, especially for tomorrow. By golly you deserve it.
I hope today will be better & that Judy can forget how ghastly her birthday was & that Shadowcat's bum heals quicker than your innards.
Love & hugs,
Oh, bloody hell, Hilary. It all sounds f***ing horrendous.
What a nightmare.
I hope to God the hospital can do something EFFECTIVE for you and I second Annie's opinion about three of you taking them on... Nobody wants to play the helpless Little Woman card but push has definitely come to shove now.
It sounds hideously twee (apologies) but you are very often in my thoughts these days. I wish I could help.
love and optimism (?!)
xxx susan xxx
Hilary - don't you think it might be time to sit back and let someone else have a bash at all this?? Seriously - I think you're running the risk of looking a tad greedy, so let someone else have a go, OK?? ;-)
The cat bum will heal fine, and Judy can always have a delayed birthday special - so you get yourself back up and running again SOON!
Good thoughts & vibes heading your way, as ever ---->
If it makes you feel better (doubt it will, but anyway...) there seems to be something about being a patient that has professionals looking behind you for the grown-up... I've even seen nurses talking over a consultant-level doctor, when he was in hospital as a patient!
Hope things go well next week. And that there's time for a birthday celebration in due course.
Hi Hilary, what a palaver but I'm glad you've got reinforcements with your brother. Three is my lucky number (it's why I've got three replacement knees) and I'm sending that luck over to you so that you not only kick cancer's arse, but the arse of that doctor as well.
Good luck for tomorrow; if you need more reinforcements Cruton will be ready with the bin (She can drive a bit now - did you know?) and we'll all come down in force to help get you the treatment you deserve.
Huge but very gentle hugs.
PS Sorry about Judy's Birthday and I hope you will soon feel well enough to celebrate it in style.
Hello Hilary, you really have gone through too much now for them to mess you about any longer and I really hope that tomorrow's appointment with the oncologist gets something moving. So maybe with your brother's extra backing they will find that bed for you and get started with the treatments in order to kick Mr. Crab out !
Yes, I am sorry that Judy's birthday was messed up ....... and poor ShadowCat got a bitten bum, but I guess that we have all had special days upset by damned cancer. Sending you and Judy hugs - and a tickle under the chin for ShadowCat.
Love, Joycee xxx
*hugs* to all, and thank you. Really ridiculous amount of pain, can't eat, and keep throwing up. All makes it a bit hard to be the life & soul of the party. Plus Shadow hasn't come indoors since he came back from the vet yesterday. *sigh*
I'll update Facebook via Twitter, assuming I do get a hospital bed, but only with v short messages, my little fat fingers have trouble with phone keyboards.
When I was not in the colo-rectal ward after my reversal I was feeling uneasy, when I finally got there cos of the "mistake" I felt relieved to see the nurses I knew. We just need to be in the right place don't we, and so did / do you.
I really struggle with cats, we have one (10 yrs old) and I still have no idea what she wants and when she wants something, and then all of a sudden she sits on my lap after ignoring me for days. Hope Shadow does pop back in soon.
Belated Happy Birthday to Judy.
Good luck in hospital, and I sincerely hope the pain and sickness is all sorted out ASAP. I've been out to the garden shed and rubbed my lucky rod for you (fishing rod that is) and I hope it works for you.
Tim, you are a very naughty boy, but you did make me snigger!
Hilary, all the love and hugs for tomorrow and will look out for fat fingered updates...
Shadowcat is notorious ofr staying out and then coming back in after you are all beside yourselves with worry as if nothing has happened. I am sure he is doing the same this time, so please don't worry about him and concentrate on getting yourself in better shape.
Please don't excuse yourself from there until they have got the pain and sickness under control and you have at least fortisips in hand and preferably proper food (though if your hospital is anything like mine, proper food probably doesn't exist there)
Biggest hugest hugs- as you know I am back at skool tomorrow so may not be able to get to my phone or FB or here for a bit but I will be willing you along, all along the way and next time you feel scared or panicked, remember there is a LM in a little red dress sat behind you scowling at the panic monsters and shooing them off, so no need to be scared ok?
Little My xxx
Good luck for tomorrow Hilary!
Sounds more like the three Muskateers, all for one and one for all, and in your case tomorrow, three will not be a crowd!
I hope tomorrow will be the first day of a less painfull time for you, you certainly seem to have been having a rough time of it lately.
Three is a most excellent number and you will be on the right ward this time, and Judy and your brother are not to leave until they can see you wired up to the correct drugz and the fortisips will help - when I was on morphine and couldn't eat, the ones mixed with icecream helped immensely - and get bruv to talk to staff and smile whilst demanding that everything is in place :))
I wish you pain-free days and nights and send huge cwtchs and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxx
You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow, Hils. And if they don't fix you up right this time, there is 5ft 9in of me plus muscles and I'll come and sort them out for you. Hugs (not the bit muscly ones, mind...). XXXXXXX
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