I don't know what is the matter with me but I have found it so hard to even write about my Cancer. Me and My Cancer! My Cancer and I! Which ever way I look at it, it is still with me and almost not a part of me. Although IT IS and this is why I have been trying to ignore it.
Everything seems to take so long but finally I go to Theatre tomorrow (5th Aug.) for a biopsy on both kidneys. My Consultant, Mr Solomon has already told me that I have to have one kidney removed and the other kidney has 'spots' on it, which he will be able to tell me more about after they have had a closer look at it. I have already decided that the spots are somewhat ominous and will think the worst to avoid disappointment.
So what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so low? - All of my friends keep telling me to be positive BUT as most of us who walk this way know, it is not easy! - it almost seems like living a lie because I feel I have to pretend to be POSITIVE in front of people to keep Them happy! It wears me out, so now I have decided to stop listening to others and keeping myself calm by staying at home with my Husband Mike and Simba - (Our Shih Tzu).
So This Is It - I begin the Journey reluctantly - I used to work on a Surgical Ward in the 80's and one of the consultants was a Mr Slapak, who used to do all of the kidney transplants, when they had the unit at St Mary's Hospital - he did other Surgical procedures on the ward I worked on. You get to see a lot of things and we had to accept it as it was in those days but I remember seeing patients come back from the Theatre after having had a laparoscopy to explore the cancer, it was found that nothing could be done, it was too late, so the Surgeon closed the wound and sent the patient back to the ward, for palliative care. In those days I firmly believed that once a Cancer has been cut into - the blood cells spill from the cancer and OFF they go around the whole body .... I still believe it now. Maybe that is why I have trouble accepting it, the reason why I am so RELUCTANT. I must sign off and get myself sorted.
I have a bed waiting for me at 11am in the morning, at QA hospital - booked for Theatre in the afternoon. All of my Friends are praying for me and that is all I can do. Wish Me Luck. I will let you know how things go. The adrenalin will start pumping tomorrow and it will give me the strength I am looking for.
Signing Off.... Carol LONG ....... and her kidney cancer.! 4th August '10
