Help! what,when,how to talk to a spouse who is notgoing to recover from advanced cancer?
Less than one minute read time.
FormerMember
Can anybody help or advise me?My husband of 40+ years has terminal cancer and our daughter is so angry with me as she says I am not being up front with him about the fact that he isn't going to recover!I am caring for him at home with some much appreciated help from various sources(not from our McMillan nurse!)I am in a wheelchair so at times it is very difficult but I love Tony(my husband)so much that I am prepared to do all in my power to help him.He was put on a syringe driver on Saturday which is helping his pain but he is so sleepy so trying to have a 'talk' is so difficult but I wouldn't want to do anything wrong on his final journey!At times he says about getting another car later this year,next he says he won't be driving again!I am sure he knows he is not going to recover and is just trying to spare us as we are trying to keep'up' for him!I'm so confused about everything.Anyone out there who can help?
FormerMember
Hi Barbara, so sorry to hear of you and your husband's situation.
In my opinion you know your husband best and I don't always believe it's in everyone's best interest to be told the whole truth. I have suffered cancer, thankfully am in remission, but I have told my family if ever there came a time they knew I wasn't going to make it, I don't want to know. I don't know if I could handle it. Maybe it's best not to upset your husband. Your daughter obviously feels different to you on this matter, but I think the final decision should rest with you.
I can understand what you mean when you say you think he knows, maybe he does. I think in situations like this we all try to shield our loved ones from the truth and hurt. Maybe it's his way of coping if he thinks he is shielding you all from this and perhaps he wouldn't even want to talk about the seriousness of the situation.
I know there are an awful lot of maybes here, but it is only my opinion. I wish you and your family all the best. Please come back and let us know how things are going with you. There are always people here to listen or chat if you feel the need.
i think you know your husband better than anyone,every answer here will be different, i have terminal cancer, and i want to know i have even resesearched into what to expect etc, not everyone wants to know.
there is no "right" way to deal with terminal cancer, my step brother died last year from it and he kept talking about the future and "if i could get my legs working i will be ok". i know he knew he wasn`t, same as i know i`m not, but there is a sort of comfort in a little make believe, for everyone otherwise how could you get through the day.
Thankyou Christine for replying,it really heartens me to know there are wonderful people like you around to give me good advice and it is good advice.I have been going with my gut feeling all along as I am sure Tony knows but is putting on a brave face for everyone.He has never been a complainer,in fact everyone who meets him say how fantastic he is,he will always give a smile and cheeky retort even when in pain and discomfort!
I tried early this morning to talk but we talked of other things as it just wasn't the right time,if there is ever going to be a right time!maybe there never will be and I will just have to trust in myself that what I do will be right!
Thankyou liz for replying,I really appreciate all the input and suggestions I can get at this time,I never know whether I'm doing things right or wrong and I get so upset because our youngest daughter says I'm doing everything wrong.She also reads religiously Jade Goodys diary and keeps comparing me to her!I haven't read anything that Jade wrote so as I have said before I am just going by my gut instinct and just hoping I'm doing things right I guess I'll never know!
Hi Barbara,I am so sorry about your husband, I do know exactly what you are going through as I have been through the same,As others have said you know your husband the best and I think your daughter is getting cross with you because its her way of coping,to know you are going to lose a husband is very hard but to lose is dad is hard too,both my daughters are still finding it very difficult now as my husband died in february.
My husband was a very "head in sand" type and we did'nt discuss the possible outcome at all, he really could not have coped and as I knew this we just used to talk as if he really would get better, talked about future holidays etc.my way of coping was to talk to friends and family in private, it is true a trouble shared etc,and I think you should just try and enjoy what life is left as once it was out it could be more difficult for you both to face up to it.and it could be not what your husband would want, I now think my husband knew but perhaps was trying to spare me and maybe your husband is doing the same.
I do wish you strength and hope your daughters accepts your decision.cheers Dee.
