Help! what,when,how to talk to a spouse who is notgoing to recover from advanced cancer?
Less than one minute read time.
FormerMember
Can anybody help or advise me?My husband of 40+ years has terminal cancer and our daughter is so angry with me as she says I am not being up front with him about the fact that he isn't going to recover!I am caring for him at home with some much appreciated help from various sources(not from our McMillan nurse!)I am in a wheelchair so at times it is very difficult but I love Tony(my husband)so much that I am prepared to do all in my power to help him.He was put on a syringe driver on Saturday which is helping his pain but he is so sleepy so trying to have a 'talk' is so difficult but I wouldn't want to do anything wrong on his final journey!At times he says about getting another car later this year,next he says he won't be driving again!I am sure he knows he is not going to recover and is just trying to spare us as we are trying to keep'up' for him!I'm so confused about everything.Anyone out there who can help?
FormerMember
A difficult one. My mother had terminal breast cancer and my father did his utmost to make sure that she never knew. He used to phone the consultant ahead of her appointments to amek sure the script was well rehearsed but my mother was a very bright woman and she probably knew anyway but we all played the game. In my opinion - and this is just my opinion - being diagnosed terminal is in one way a blessing. Eventually we are all going to go and if you have some idea of timescale then plans can be made and all of your affairs can be settled. You nkow your husband but what is important also is that the family respects your wishes and opinions. One of the biggest challenges after nursing the terminally ill is wondering if you have done the right thing. You need the support of your family,
Hello there, Our situation was different. My husband was very aware and in fact it was me who willed him to keep going. I made him buy concert tickets months ahead to give him a goal and something to work towards. He missed the first one as he was too ill to attend. The second one is next Sunday and I now have to go alone as he died in March. He knew he was dying to the point where he even said he would die in March. He asked the doctor what he could expect and the said doctor was very explicit, much to my horror. My husband died 30 hours later.
During his illness though we did speak quite openly to each other as was our way in all things.
Surely it is up to the health professionals to explain things to your husband and he can then deal with the information in his own way (or maybe that is what he is already doing).
So sorry to hear that you are all going through this awful time x x x
I'm also terminally ill; was assessed by the medical board as capable of receiving the news and have asked for the full facts since diagnosis. However, I agree with Liz above that it is unrealistic to expect anyone to confront impossibly hard facts on a permanent basis. Maybe your husband is holding out hope, and what is really the harm in that? Frankly, I do that too, despite all the evidence to the contrary! Conventional wisdom insists that acceptance is the final part of the emotional chain in dealing with this, but I think the line between acceptance and denial is quite often fuzzy.
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. You are the closest person affected in this situation, you know your husband better than anyone, and your devotion to him is obvious from your moving post.
I can understand that it's awful for your daughter but perhaps you could suggest to her that it really isn't helpful to project her ideas of dealing with cancer on to a random public figure whom I'm guessing she did not know personally. Everyone has to think in abstracts for themselves from time to time. And this was a person whose motivation and objectives were very different from those of people out of the public eye. I hate to think of you torturing yourself over your daughter's disapproval or bewilderment, and hope you stick around here for support. Why isn't your Macmillan nurse helping (perhaps you don't like her/him; I don't like mine; they're not all angels!)
Thankyou so much Dee for your helpful advice.How on earth are you coping now?I am terrified when the inevitable happens,it is all too soon,he has only been ill for a few months(just after Christmas initial diagnosis)it was all so sudden,he had a lymph node biopsy end of January and we were told he had a very aggressive secondary lymphatic cancer and they couldn't find the primary source,the oncologist said Tony was too ill for any chemo or radiotherapy and just gave him steroids to improve his appetite. Our daughter wanted us to suggest clinical trials and all sorts of things but the oncologist was just quite negative in one way but in another he said it would be pointless to treat Tony what with all the side effects nausea,vomiting etc so he didn't recommend it.
You are right about being able to talk to friends and certain members of the family it really helps but I really do feel so for our daughter and especially grandson who has a special bond with his grandad and is sure his grandad is going to get better!
Anyway I'd better get to bed as it's been one of those days today,I'm hoping tomorrow is better!
Can I please keep in touch with you,say no if you don't want to I will understand.
Dear Cat,I was so pleased to read your comments I also send my thoughts to you in your struggle against this lousy illness! My McMillan nurse is crap!please excuse the bad language but she is no help whatsoever and like you I don;t like mine! She has only visited about 3 times and I feel uncomfortable with her which is very unusual for me as I am an easy going person and usually get on well with everyone.On her first visit she did nothing but sit there and talk about nothing in particular,said she'd call back in a few weeks!time went by and I didn't really want her back,she is just a waste of timedefinitely no angel!
I was really heartened by your letter because it is so difficult to please everybody and even though I have many doubts as to whether I have and am doing everything possible to help Tony I will continue to look after him to the end!His birthday is on 6th June and I am aiming for him to reach that date!some days I have doubts that he won't other days I feel he will,next big date is 8th June our wedding anniversary,keeping on hoping.
He had such a bad evening last night with very severe hiccups which after about 5 hours were relieved by Haloperidol,I do so hate seeing him in pain and feeling helpless while waiting for drs etc to come out and treat him.
We talk but not about the,not the important things my daughter suggests!but more natural things that we have always talked about like past holidays,future ones! etc,
Once again thanks for your input and sorry this message is so long wjnded!(I've been up since 6!)
